Behavioral Health Department

Well, Aaron has gone a few days without really sleeping now. We've had several very long talks. I've lost sleep, too, because we've stayed up very late talking things through. I'm still torn about how much I can share on my blog, but I have to get it all out so here comes my "edited" version.

Friday morning, I was on the phone with a customer, and Aaron called me. I couldn't answer (obviously) and this customer really liked to talk. A few minutes later, I'm still on the phone with this lady, and my phone rings again, this time a different number from Aaron's work. Weird. By the time the lady stopped talking my ears off, I had forgotten he called. I got a few more things done, then finally got around to looking at my phone. I realized I had a voice mail. I dialed in, expecting to hear a message from Aaron. It wasn't him. It was his plant manager, Ed, letting me know that Aaron had been having severe anxiety attacks at work, then started to threaten suicide (he's been threatening this more and more lately). So they were taking him to the ER. I work about 35 miles from home, and I had already waited a while to even listen to the message. My heart started racing, I was shaking all over, my mouth was dry. I thought I might pass out. I sent a text to two co-workers so they wouldn't wonder why I was gone. I went in the bathroom and tried to calm down. Took some of my anti-anxiety pills and finally calmed myself down enough to drive to the hospital.

When I got there, my phone rang. Aaron told me to hurry because he wouldn't be allowed visitors after 1:00 (it was about noon) I told him "I'm here, I'll be there in just a second." I saw his mom and thought "oh, good. I don't have to be alone!" Once I finished all the paperwork and confirmed our information, I finally got to see him. He seemed almost HAPPY that all this had happened. Like he was enjoying the attention. (I have no room to judge this, because I have been accused of acting the same way about my own depression. It just surprised me to see the joy he seemed to be feeling) I didn't get a chance to talk to the plant manager so I only heard Aaron's version of events and what little his mom had heard from the manager.

Aaron had started shaking uncontrollably, he told me at one point he was on top of a truck to get samples for the lab and started shaking violently, his chest was hurting, and he decided to just give up "this is the end" and he undid the harness, and was ready to just "fall" to his death. A truck driver came in and Aaron "chickened out" but started telling people that he wanted to kill himself. He ran in to the supervisor's office area and sat down on the floor, shaking, crying, and saying he was going to kill himself. The manager got involved, the health and safety department got involved. Somebody called our family doctor and was told to get Aaron to the ER immediately.

I didn't realize Aaron had told his mom and brother about my ED. I knew he needed somebody to talk to, so it didn't bother me, I just didn't realize WHO he had told. We were sitting there and Aaron kept saying he was hungry (my tummy was grumbling quite loudly too). They finally brought him some lunch (long after the time he was told he couldn't have visitors) and he looked over to me and said "will you have a few bites with me?" Eating disorder or not, I didn't want his food. He was only given the small portions the hospitals provide, and he wasn't going to eat again until dinner. I, on the other hand, could leave the hospital once he was officially admitted (and not allowed visitors) and get anything to eat. He started sobbing and his mom said "can't you just give him THAT?" He accused me of pushing him away, and I tried to explain the fact that I was going to get something to eat when I left, and he needed it because he was hungry and wouldn't get to eat again until much later. He said that I didn't care about him, and I said "I do care! That's why I want you to eat what little food there is on that plate." His mom, with anger I've never before seen, turned to me and said "If you cared at all for him, you'd eat his lunch with him!" She told us both to 'grow up' because we have five young children to take care of. She told Aaron that she would get him the phone number to a cousin that lost a wife to an eating disorder. Somebody that understands "what it's like to live with somebody like Amber..."

Well, I gave in and even though I hadn't thought at all about starving myself or purging since I got the call from Aaron's work, I was really struggling. I had to stay strong, couldn't cry in front of Aaron and his mom. I ate several bites, what I thought was sufficient for me and still left some for him. He kept forcing me to eat more, and I was DYING inside. It was SO HARD for me, and he had no idea what he was doing to me. I know I was there for HIS problem and I was trying to ignore all the voices in my head about the food I was taking in. He looked at me and said "this better stay in your stomach." I was so hurt by that. I realize that I've betrayed him, hurt him, that I don't deserve trust, but he things I'm not going to keep a promise made to my best friend? It hurt so deeply. To have him and his mother gang up on me.....I thought I was going to crack.

After three hours of waiting to hear something from ANYBODY there, I was worried I might miss my appointment with my psychiatrist (I REALLY needed it that day!!!) So I went and found a nurse. She told me they were waiting for a room. I said it was kind of important that I get some information because I had to leave. She promised he'd have a room in 15 minutes. I couldn't wait that long, and again asked for details on how I could see him, or hear about his treatment. She took my phone number and promised me a call as soon as he was admitted.

I went to my appointment, and I will get in to that in another entry. My poor babysitter had been with the kids for nearly 12 hours. I asked my dad if he or my mom could relieve her. When I pulled in my driveway, I was so relieved to see my mom's car. We talked for a while before she had to leave.

I finally heard back from the hospital, about 3 1/2 hours after they said they'd call. He will be in the hospital all weekend, and there are very limited visitor's hours. No visitors under the age of 14, and you have to have a "code" to get in at all. I can't help but feel this is all my fault. He "lost it" because of all I've put him through. His mom only solidified that belief. I had a nurse hug me and tell me that it's always hard on everybody involved. Another nurse asked if I had a support system at home for ME. Well, I have a lot of help, but it's my own fault all this happened so I don't feel I should be entitled to that. I am so lonely and depressed right now. I don't know what to tell my kids, I don't want to tell anybody what has happened because I don't want judgement. It is going to be a very long road. I don't know where things will go from here.