Sharon

OK, enough calling her "my psychiatrist" that's getting hard to type. Her name is Sharon, and she is amazing. She has helped me so much. I wish I'd called her years ago because she's better than any therapist/counselor I've ever talked to.

I had an appointment today shortly after the one with Aaron at the hospital. I told her about the meeting, and how good it felt to say some of those things.

She was shocked that I was able to stand up for myself. She said "you are SPUNKY!" and it made me laugh. I actually laughed and I haven't done a lot of that lately. I told her about the conversation with Aaron's mom, and how she made me feel so bad about myself as a mother, wife, and person. But somehow, today, with the therapist I was able to tell Aaron how hurt I am. That it's NOT my fault he is in the psychiatric ward, or that he is suicidal. I am sick of being lied to, and my kids shouldn't have to walk on eggshells every time he is around.

Aaron told me that he had a plan to kick me out of the house. His defense was that when he had a problem, I kicked him out so it was only fair that when I had a problem he do the same to me. I pointed out that his problem had been out of hand for years before I did anything about it, and I had sought help within days of realizing there was a problem. His mom accused me of being deceitful about the whole thing. How many people do you know that have an ED, and openly talk about it? That seek help before it gets so out of hand that their health is in serious jeopardy? NONE! Even Sharon was amazed at how quickly I sought help. Yeah, I left some details out, and there is no justifying that. Still, it is not the same as why I kicked Aaron out back in July.

I ate breakfast for the first time in WEEKS today, I actually ate a filling lunch and a good size dinner, too. The desire to purge is almost non-existant after 9 days. I left my appointment tonight feeling SO good about myself. I started talking to myself in the car.....I'm already crazy so there's nothing unusual about talking to myself ;) I told myself that I am beautiful, I am loving, I'm a good person, I'm strong, there is nothing I cannot accomplish with the Lord on my side. I am a daughter of God, and I deserve to be treated as one.

I decided to call Aaron before I got home, and see if he was going to be released tonight. He was very discouraged when he told me that the doctor had gone home before the therapist could review our session so he wasn't going to be released until at least tomorrow. When I pointed out that he had been threatening suicide for years as a manipulation, he said he would never again be tempted to do so. He said that staying there has been HELL for him, even though he knew it was good for him too. He tried to tell me that he knew how I felt about all the lies he has told, because he keeps getting told lies from the staff at the hospital. I don't see the comparison. Doctors think "maybe he can go home today" and tell him that, but things go downhill or he has a setback, and they have to change it. This is not the same thing as having somebody that you LOVE and TRUST and have shared your most intimate secrets with tell you a lie. I told him that he has NO understanding of it, because I have never done anything like that to him.

He asked me to give him something to look forward to. Something to hold on to, some hope. I told him that we are happy without him around. He said "so, the kids don't miss me? They haven't asked about me?" Actually, no. They hardly notice. It's so peaceful at home right now. I have more patience with the kids, because I'm not afraid he is going to punish them before me, and lose his temper. He was clearly devastated by this, and it wasn't the typical manipulative devastation either. He was sincerely crying. He asked if I was planning on divorce and I said "it's a strong possibility for me." He begged me not to talk like that, that he needed support and love. I told him that I needed to worry about 5 little children, and about me. His needs are important, but they are not my first priority. The kids deserve better, and so do I.

Right now, the plan is that when he is released from the hospital, he will come home on the weekends (when he's working up here anyway) and spend the week at his mother's house. I told him that this will probably take months, and he should not try to force anything sooner than that. It may not ever be repaired, but I'm going to keep trying. I will give marriage counseling/mediation one more try. I will put a little bit of faith and trust in him, but it will not be instant and he will not come home the first time he cries to me about how hard it's been on him.

My focus is the kids. They deserve love and respect! I deserve love and respect. I hope for the best right now, but only time will tell. I am trusting in the Lord that I will do what is best for my family. I love those kids more than anything. I'd do anything for them.