Fears

Friday October 7, I was going to take my friend out to dinner for her birthday. Aaron had previously said it would be OK (though he wasn't happy about it) and then, as I was leaving, he changed his mind. He said something along the lines of "if you leave, it will end our marriage." I took off my shoes, and stayed home.
The next morning, Aaron called me from work. He said that he realized he had screwed up, he felt horrible about it, and if I didn't go out that night to make up for it, he would kill himself. He told me he had already tried. Aaron hasn't been depressed enough to hurt himself for about 12 years. I was scared. Didn't know if I should call 9-1-1 and send somebody to his work, or just ignore his threats. I have been there, and I know that it's a cry for help, but I did not know how bad this cry was. Did he just need understanding, a listening ear? Or did he need medical attention? I decided to just wait for him to come home and decide from there.

I took my friend to lunch before Aaron got home, since we had plans with my siblings and parents that night. (They just moved in to a new home, and the yard was atrocious) When Aaron got home, we went to help pull weeds and make the yard more presentable. Aaron was his 'old self' that night. He was joking around with my family, was the first one to start working, and the last one to stop. It was actually very good for both of us, we enjoyed the work and the company.

When everybody else had left, I was still getting the kids into their pajamas, and Aaron said his stomach was hurting. I said that he was probably giving himself an ulcer or something, and my mom immediately went to Aaron's side. He started crying and told her about the previous two days (he DID, in fact hurt himself at work, 3 cuts on his upper arm). My mom was awesome, she just listened and helped him in a way that I didn't seem able to. My mom has always been an amazing listener, and she understands people. It was exactly what he needed. I don't think Aaron was 100% sure why he was so upset about me taking a friend out, but the fact that my mom cared helped him immensely. After awhile, my mom said "Aaron, do you need a priesthood blessing?" he nearly smiled. I knew that it was exactly what he needed.

My dad gave Aaron an amazing blessing, which he wrote about in his journal. The spirit was very strong and Aaron received some answers that he had been searching for. It really lifted his spirit, I could see a glimmer of light in his eyes again. When we got home, we talked while he recorded the blessings in his journal. We talked about the things that had been bothering him, and went to sleep holding each other, happy.

Sunday morning, when I woke up Aaron was not in bed. For a moment, I thought maybe he had gotten up early to make breakfast in bed. I couldn't hear anything/anyone in the kitchen. I saw Karleah in the living room and asked her where her dad was. She didn't know. I sent her downstairs to check, while I went in the kitchen to see if he was there. Karleah came up and said "he's asleep on the couch down there, and he won't wake up." Aaron hadn't been sleeping well, and had had several headaches so I figured he just needed his rest. While I was fixing breakfast, Karleah came in the kitchen and whispered "Mom, Dad's on the stairs, crying." I started walking towards the stairs, and Aaron must have gotten up at the same time because we nearly bumped into each other. He had red eyes, like he had been crying for a long time. I asked "what's wrong?" His responses left me dumbfounded:
"You don't remember last night?"
"What do you mean? Weeding at my parents'?"
"What you said to me. The things you said. Can I just have a few minutes with the kids before I leave?"
"Leave? Why? What do you mean, leave? What are you talking about?"
"You told me you hated me, and that I had to leave. You said I'd never see the kids again. That you would be filing for divorce on Monday. Can I please just have a few minutes with them? Since I'll never see them again?" He was really crying now. I was confused. Was I remembering wrong, or was he?
"Aaron? That didn't happen."
"You said you hated me, that things weren't working out. That you were going to end everything and I'd never see the kids again."
"Aaron, I didn't say those things." As I was talking, I tried to get close to him, touch him, anything to provide comfort. He just kept backing away and shaking his head. He was afraid of me, and I couldn't convince him that this "fight" had NOT happened.
He let the kids get close, but would not allow me near him. Still crying, and insisting that I had kicked him out.
I kept my distance, but tried to use some logic. "Aaron, remember going to my parent's new house?"
"Yes."
"We pulled weeds, with my siblings and then stayed later than everybody else."
"Yeah."
"When everybody was gone, you told my mom how you felt, and she hugged you. She asked if you needed a blessing."
"I think I remember that."
"My dad gave you a blessing."
"OK....I think that sounds familiar"
"When we got home, you wrote about it in your journal. We talked until 1am and held each other."
"I don't remember that. I remember you got mad, you were screaming."
"Aaron, that part didn't happen. Can I get your journal? So you can read what you wrote about last night?"
"I don't remember going downstairs. I remember getting in the car, and I left."
"Aaron, you're still here, at the house. The car is here, too. If you left, how could you still be here?" He was still confused ,but it was like a light came on because he realized that part of it wasn't true. If that part hadn't happened, maybe the rest hadn't happened either.
He was really sobbing now, but he was letting me get close. I pulled him close, put his head on my shoulder. "I don't know, but you were so mad. You kicked me out."
"No, we fell asleep in each others arms. Happy."
He finally seemed to be coming 'back' I could see it as he slowly started to remember the way things had REALLY happened.

Eventually, we got all the kids ready for church and actually made it there on time. During the closing hymn, Aaron started shaking, (mild, but uncontrollable) and stopped singing. I took the hymnbook out of his hand after the song, and his hand stayed in the same position. After a few seconds, he put his hand down, looked at me and said "I forgot how to talk for a minute." I was lost for words, yet I had SO many questions. Had he just had a small seizure? Did we have to worry about the epilepsy again? Was it just a fluke because he had been so stressed and depressed? How could I know if it was epilepsy or depression? Which doctor should I call? How urgent was it?

The next morning, I called Aaron's neurologist and asked if the weekend's incidents could be from the seizure medication. They called me back and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. We got nowhere with the neurologist. He said the "episodes" were not seizure related, nightmares and sleep walking are not associated with epilepsy or Dilantin; and it was probably something else. He was in such a hurry, he didn't even try to hear the whole story. The only thing he said was that "maybe" the incident in church was a "small seizure". We got no answers. He didn't have time for us, and it was frustrating. No, it was aggravating!

The primary care doctor just keeps giving Aaron different prescriptions trying to help with the depression/anxiety, and the neurologist says it's "not related to epilepsy". Aaron went on anti-depressants because of severe mood swings, and the neurologist claims the anti-depressants are causing the mood swings. I feel like we're stuck in a vicious circle and can't get the answers. Aaron is talking to a counselor again, but right now I am confused, worried, frustrated. I don't know what to expect.

Aaron's best friend growing up was his twin brother. They were practically inseparable until they went on their missions. His twin married a woman that wouldn't allow them to be in touch with each other. She was very controlling and manipulative, Eric wasn't allowed to call his family, or socialize with anybody. They moved to Alaska which made things even harder. He still had the rest of his family, and we visited them almost every week. He joined a mens golf league and went golfing every Tuesday with his dad. When Karleah started school, and we started having more kids, that got hard to do. He tried ,but wasn't able to go as often. Then, his dad died.

Now, it's not like Aaron was just sitting around dwelling on these things. I don't think he even realized he felt abandoned. But, because his two best friends weren't around, and I still had friends (which he'd never had, because he had his twin) and I still had the opportunity to do things occasionally, he was jealous. He is afraid that I will find something, or someone "better", or that I won't come back (like Eric & his dad). He is just now putting this together, and Eric moved to Alaska over 10 years ago, and his dad died over 2 years ago. Slowly he has watched me gain other relationships, and he hasn't had the same opportunities.

I think everybody does this sometimes. I know I have!! Sometimes we don't even realize how we feel about things, until something triggers a reaction and then as we sort through the situation, we start putting things together. Aaron doesn't want to be controlling, he wants me to have friends. But he has lost loved ones before, and then came close to losing me and the kids. It's not abuse, it's not selfishness, it's FEAR, a real fear that makes perfect sense.

The Patriot, and General Conference

Last week, I got to go out to dinner with a great friend. I've known her since we were infants :) She knows little about the situation with Aaron & I, and asked a few questions about how we are doing. At one point, I told her that I knew Aaron had been dealing with some demons, and he wasn't himself. It suddenly came to me, like a small whisper, that Aaron had a lot to accomplish on this Earth, and that is why he was still around and we were still together. It occurred to me that Satan had been working on Aaron because he knew Aaron's worth.

As I drove home, I couldn't stop thinking about what I had said, and the whisperings of the spirit. I compare it to the movie "The Patriot" (YES, I have seen some rated "R" movies, don't judge lol). For anybody that may not have seen that movie, Mel Gibson is the main actor, and his character is a patriot for the Revolutionary War. His character had vowed to never fight again after the French and Indian conflict. The British soldiers show up at his home and endanger his family, he decides to fight after all. He leads a "rebel" militia against the British soldiers. Anyway, one of his basic tactics is to go after the captains in the British army. He knew that once he took out the captain, the rest of that group (sorry, I don't know military terms and haven't seen the movie for a while) would fall apart. It was actually very successful (of course, that's why it's a movie).

I began to compare this movie to the workings of Satan. Satan knows our worth, he was there in Heaven with us. He knows what we are capable of. He aims for the "captains" in the army of truth, and tries to take them out so that he will have a stronger army. There are so many people that Satan singles out and tries to take down, and I believe one of the tactics he uses is to take out the strong ones first. I look forward to seeing the great things my husband will accomplish on Earth!

Today in General Conference, there were (as always) SO many great things to hear. Boyd K. Packer said that a mistake is never made without there first being a whisper from the Holy Ghost warning us of danger. Then he said that on the reverse, all mistakes can be forgiven through the atonement. Sin is a prison, and the only key to getting us out is the atonement. With the gift Christ gave us, we can be saved from evil, from Satan's plan. IF we listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. We are never far from the sight of our Father in Heaven.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf talked about how Satan uses discouragement as a tool. He tells us we are not good enough, we are forgotten, and we are insignificant. Wow, talk about something I needed to hear. It's like the depression makes me more susceptible to the whisperings of Satan. He said "Next to God man is nothing, but to God, man is everything." He loves us so much! One of the last things he said was "you matter to Him" and he pointed out that the things we see, feel, and suffer in this life are only temporary. In the life to come, Eternal Life, we will be blessed with pure joy. I so badly needed that reminder.

D. Todd Christofferson spoke about repentance, and I was again in awe at the gifts we've been given to be forgiven. Holding on to sin "mocks" the sacrifice Christ made. He has already paid the price and we only have to confess, abandon sin, and commit to obedience. "With faith, despair turns into hope. The cost of repentance is swallowed up in the joy of the forgiveness we receive."

L. Tom Perry's talk was awesome too, but one thing that really stuck out was "perfect love casteth out fear" so I am going to do my best to find that love and not be afraid to be myself. I want to "respond to the invitations to share my beliefs".

I know that I have a little work on the depression thing. I have said and done things that I regret, but I know that it's only temporary and I'll get through it. I'm thankful that conference was so helpful today. The leaders of the church are truly inspired men. I'm so inspired by Aaron's dedication to me and the kids.

Some Links

My friend commented on the last post, and I stole some links from her that might be helpful. I don't think many people are really reading this anyway, but now I have easy access too :)
DBSA- Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness
NIMH- National Institute of Mental Health

Thanks M