"Shrink"

I am amazed at how much I've learned about myself in my psychiatry appointments. I always thought I had a great family life when I was growing up. My parents always said "I love you", they taught me the gospel but let me choose my own way in life. They were supportive even when it was hard for them. My siblings and I fought a lot, but we were still a "typical" family. We have always loved each other and cared for each other. We messed with each other, but stood up for each other if anybody else did. Typical family, right?

Well, somehow it came out that my mom had depression. Probably because we were discussing the genetic factor in depression. I told her that my mom was put on anti-depressants when I was nine. She said "I bet that was hard when you were so young." hmmmmmmm.....I'd never thought of it as hard on ME. Hard on my mom, yes! On my dad, absolutely! But me?? She asked me what I remembered about my mom before she got help. I hadn't thought about that for so long, but as soon as she asked, the memories flooded in. My mom, sitting in bed and crying for no reason. Frequently asking me for hugs because he "love tank" was low. Sitting on the bathroom floor, wrapped in a towel in front of the heat vent while she rocked and cried. I guess I've never thought about it, because my mom is AMAZING and I never want anybody to think otherwise. But it probably was harder on me than I ever realized.

Then there was the typical sibling arguments. All my siblings have struggled with depression to some degree. I can understand now, looking back, that when my siblings were depressed, they would lash out at those closest to them (HELLO!! I am HORRIBLE that way when I'm depressed.) Since I was the youngest, and probably had the least-best grasp of what it all meant, I internalized it a lot more than my brothers and sister.  My sister told me once that because she had such a low self-image she tried to drag everybody else down with her.

Don't get the wrong impression, my family life really was great for the most part. Just different because we all had different degrees of mental illness. We had lots of fun FHE nights, and family outings. SO many good times playing games or watching movies together. My oldest brother loved to wait for a really intense part of a movie, and then yell "boo" and watch us all scream and jump. My sister would comfort me when somebody else hurt my feelings, and my other brother would do anything, just to make me happy. He once brought home school lunch in his jeans pocket because I was jealous I didn't get school lunch. He also chased a much bigger boy around the school for hitting on me. If I woke up screaming in pain because my legs were hurting, he would give me a piggy-back ride to my parents. My mom is a great listener, and gives some amazing advice. Her life is an open book, and she has helped countless people because she is so open and honest. My dad was my spiritual leader, and friend. He gave me trust I didn't deserve, and is the perfect example of unconditional love.

So, my psychiatrist is putting all this together in a way I have never thought of. She is helping me see things so clearly and simply. I always thought that the "voices" in my head were always fighting with each other, but she has pointed out they both want the same thing for me. For me to be strong, kind, good, loving, patient, and giving. They just have different ideas about how to achieve that.

I told her some of the things that some friends of mine have said about me, and she said "that doesn't make it true, you know."
"Well, of course I know that. But these people KNOW me really well, and..."
"so, they know you well enough to know where your "achilles heel is?"
"yes, but....they know me well enough to..."
"hit you where it hurts most, whether it's true or not?"
"well, yeah....but, they know me so well that when they say something about ME, it must be truth because they know me."
"Let's say somebody walks in the room right now, and says to me 'you're a horrible, disorganized psychiatrist'. Does that make the statement true?"
"No. But that's not the same."
"Say it's an old client, that knows me. Is it true?"
"Well, no...."
"So, the things you've heard, they aren't all true either, right?"
"right...."
It's hard to fight with the logic she uses. I know everything she says, have said it to myself, and had others give similar advice. But the way she points it out...... wow. That's all I can say.

I'm not blaming my problems on anybody, or anything. It's MY problem, and only I can fix it. I'm just saying that understanding how it all ties together has made a big difference. I won't even try to explain it, because I won't do it justice. I still have a lot of internal battles, many times a day. I am nowhere near "better" but I'm getting there!!

Some History

I'm pretty sure nobody really cares about this, but I am blogging for me, and nobody else. If you choose to read this, it's your own fault if you're bored to tears :)
When I was maybe four, I remember my primary teacher (Sister Johnson....yes, I still remember.....) teaching me a song:
Jesus said Love Everyone,
Treat them kindly, too
When your heart is filled with love,
Others will love you.

I remember the big red heart she used to help us remember the words. I remember a blue dress with tiny white polka-dots. I realize it's weird to remember so much, but that's how I've always been. One of many things my siblings loved to tease me about. There I am going off on nothing again :) so a few years later, I think that my depression started showing because I got it in my head that the song applies to everybody in the universe, except for me. I would imagine a primary class on the other side of the world where a teacher would say "Jesus wants us to love everybody" and a child would say "teacher, I have tried. But I just can't seem to love this girl" (the child pulls out my picture) and the teacher would reply "well, that's OK. That's the one person that Jesus says it's OK not to love." I realize this is pretty selfish, that not everybody in the world would have a picture of me handy, and that people who don't even know me, would never be able to love me or hate me.

This is something that carried on with me. In primary when a teacher or member of the presidency would say "I love every single one of you" I'd think "except me!" If a member of the bishopric said "I love every person in this ward. It's a great ward" I'd think "you forgot, I'm in the ward!" and in Young Women; same thing, whenever a leader or another girl would talk about how much they loved all the girls, I'd feel deep down that they meant everybody but me. Again, I realize this is a selfish thought. It didn't occur to me at the time though.

When I was in Jr. High, there were two boys that killed themselves. I was not really close to either boy, but I did know them. They were both in my stake, and we had a lot of mutual friends. They were a year younger than me. I remember thinking how lucky they were to be out of this life, and how deep inside I wanted to defend them when people said bad things about the kids and the paths they had chosen. I understood that desire to be free of this life.

I never really did anything serious to myself, just skipped lots of meals and occasionally overdosed on some over-the-counter medicine like Aspirin or Tylenol. When I overdosed enough on those that my ears were ringing constantly, and I always had a tummy ache, my parents thought I had just been on them too long (I also had frequent pain in my legs & arms that doctors thought was arthritis so I did take them a lot). We looked into other medications, and I started taking Aleve or Advil. One night, I took a whole bottle. It was at a Young Women's sleep-over party. I hoped that I wouldn't wake up the next day, but I never told anybody about the problems it caused, and nobody ever knew I did it. I did write about it in my journal.

When I was 16, I started dating a guy I met in my high school jazz band. He was younger than me, and he lived in my stake. He knew the two boys that had killed themselves. In fact, one of them was his best friend. We got pretty serious, and at one point we exchanged journals to learn more about each other. When he read about all the times I had "overdosed" (even now, I don't view it as serious because I never went to a hospital) he said I needed to tell my parents. I told him that it would never happen. He promised not to tell anybody, and he never did. Unfortunately he was sneaky enough to go to my mom and say "you should read your youngest daughter's journal. The striped one that is on her bookshelf." He even told her what sections to read.

I came home from work late one night, and my mom was in her bed crying. She said "do you need to tell me something" my heart was racing, I was sweating and I was SURE my boyfriend had said something. As innocently as I could, I said "no, what do you mean?" and she pulled out my journal. From there, I finally got the help I needed. I think my mom always knew I had depression, but I always denied it, and what could she do from there? Well, now she had proof. I got into counseling and started taking Prozac when I was 17. I honestly think I had some crappy counselors that didn't understand depression was something a teenager could really suffer from. But at least the medication was helping.

When my mom started taking Prozac (I was 9) I remember watching "Dirty Dancing" with her. We had seen the movie before, but when Patrick Swayze jumped off the stage at the end, she SCREAMED and clapped. I freaked out (on the inside....you'd never have known looking at me) because that was NOT my mom. She was always so quiet and mellow. Well, once she got things figured out, she was so.....normal. I noticed a difference in myself (a good difference) within about 10 days.

The Prozac worked for about 12 years. In 2009 it stopped working, and it took me a while to put together what all the symptoms were. I hadn't struggled with it (except the occasional days I forgot the medication) for so long that I had forgotten what it was like. And I hadn't struggled at all in my adult life. Aaron had never seen it. My friends and family saw a whole new side of me, and I didn't like it. I got into a counselor, and my doctor. I changed my prescription but we had to try 4 different ones before we found one that would work. Each one has side effects that I don't like. They make you drowsy, they can increase the depression, they can change your libido (yes, I said it!) can cause dry mouth or headaches. But if that's what it takes for you to function every day, then who cares? After several months, I had things "under control" again. When I look back on that time, I just have to say SORRY to the people that suffered the most when I was struggling. I was not a very nice person to be around.

That's my story.......my history..... no idea why I typed it up. I think most of it is already mentioned on here. And this isn't at all where I was going to go with this entry. I will now change the title......so it makes more sense with the direction that I actually took.

Psych

I call this psych for a few reasons.
1- Psych is the name of a TV show my brother got Aaron & I addicted to. It's fun to cuddle on the couch and laugh together, and this show is one of our favorite ways to do that. Thanks, Jaron, for introducing us to the show, and thanks, Aaron, for watching it with me.

2- I try to "psych" people out and tell them I am fine or doing better, when I am not. Sometimes, I am impressed that I pull it off. Other times, it's frustrating that people see through me.

3- I have been to counseling before, but never a psychiatrist. Always counseling or therapy. I believe I was convinced that I wasn't "bad" enough off to need a "shrink". This week, I realized I was wrong. I started talking to a psychiatrist yesterday (December 15, Julie's birthday....)

Well, the first session was very interesting. I have always thought of myself as a "strong" person. I was asked to define "strong". My list included being a fun mom, a good wife, good at my job, and keeping up on housework, and biggest of all, not needing a lot of help or support. It makes me crazy that I have needed so much help and support. It makes me think of myself as weak. I have come to view food as a weakness. Once I told a few friends about the "issues" I've had with food, it was like I had to stick to it. Like when you make a promise or a resolution, if others know about it, you'll stick to it. Even though I knew that the reason I told them was more because they would (hopefully) help me overcome the problem, not hold me to it.

She asked me about the "voices". I swear I heard the "Hallelujah Chorus", because I have never heard anybody else refer to it as "voices" unless it was in reference to some crazy person. She said "around here, we call the voice ED (Eating Disorder)". I have denied that I have a problem, told myself (and others) that "I'm in control" and "it's not that bad". Also, I quit doing it once before, so I shouldn't have a problem doing it again. Even as I write about my "issues" here, and talk to a psychiatrist about it, and open up to close friends, I don't see it as a serious problem. I didn't eat anything yesterday, and today I didn't have breakfast. I ate lunch because somebody was here that knows about my "issue" and I didn't want her to know it's still a problem.

I actually told my friends that I was certain the medication was working because I had the desire to eat, and felt that I deserved food. Yet, in the back of my mind, I also thought "SWEET! They think I'm better. Now I can get away with it. They'll stop babysitting me."

I know I'm on the right path. I know the medications are starting to work. I know that this psychiatrist is right for me. But, I feel so weak. I feel weak because I have eaten food, and because I have needed medication and counseling/therapy. I am not the strong person I think I am. Even with all these amazing blessings in my life, I am having the hardest time being happy. I am so disappointed that I ate so much lunch. Disappointed that I admitted to somebody at work, and discouraged that it's an issue at all.

So, I'm trying to 'psych' my close friends but really, I guess I'm just 'psyching' myself, because I do have issues, and I have to face them or I'll never feel "normal" again. I will always have to be on medication in order to function.

Misery

A friend of mine said something about the book "Misery" and somehow I convinced myself to read it. I don't normally like Stephen King novels because they are gross, and use a lot of bad language. But the subject came up because of the depression I have been dealing with.

I had a lot of mixed emotions about this book. It was a good book, intriguing. I stayed up past midnight reading it, and normally reading makes me drowsy so that's saying quite a bit. The story is about a woman that holds a man captive and she makes him write a book. If things go differently than she planned, she "loses control" and hurts him or tortures him. It's very descriptive about the torture, one of many reasons I have avoided his books in the past. [More details about the story can be found here.]

On the other hand, this book was frustrating to me. There are parts where he refers to her mood swings as "depressive". The character, Paul, talks about how he hates her the most when she is depressed, and the way things are (around the house and in her personality) when she is depressed is just sickening. It made me think of all the TV shows and movies and books about depression, and how people think everybody with depression is psycho. That's one of many reasons that I rarely talk about it.

Things have come a long way, I know that. My mom tells me about when she was starting anti-depressants (I was about 9 when she finally got some help) and if she talked about it, she got some really hard-to-swallow reactions. Now, people are on anti-depressants more often and it is MORE understood, but the media will have people believe that mental illness=psychosis.

Every murderer in crime TV shows suffered from some sort of mental illness. Every kidnapper, every child abuser, every person that has ever intentionally hurt somebody else had mental illness. This just adds to the view people have that if you have a mental illness, you are "mental". The term "it's all in your head" has taken a whole new meaning. It is, literally, 'in your head' but it is NOT optional. It is actually a treatable, diagnosable, medical condition.

My mom used to tell me that I have a "persecution complex" and that I always thought people were out to get me. This is very true. I am always worried about what other people think of me. I'm a "people watcher", so I tend to notice the way people act when they think nobody is watching. I am also a gossip. It's something I've tried to stop doing countless times. I know it's natural to judge others, and it's easy to assume things by what we observe. So I tend to think others are always doing this to me. (yeah, it's selfish....I'm a selfish person).

The friend that mentioned the book said that listening to me talk about depression made him "flash back" to the book Misery. As I read the book, I was starting thinking that he must either think I'm obsessed with him, or that I'm as messed up as the character Annie (maybe both). Next, I'd think about the few people I have opened up to about my depression. I couldn't help but think that they probably all think I'm psycho. Heck, I think I'm psycho most of the time. Though my closest friends have tried to convince me that they love me, and care about me, I'm only 1/2 convinced. They're saying what they think I should hear; or what I want to hear. Most of the people I've opened up to have not experienced serious depression (yes, they've been depressed, but that's not the same as 'true' depression). So they really don't fully understand what I'm trying to describe, and since I'm not a professional I probably don't do it justice when I describe it.

I guess I'm just getting on my "soap box" again. I have avoided saying that I have a mental illness or an eating disorder, but that's just lying to myself. I have a mental illness. I have an eating disorder. I am seeking help, and hoping that it turns out for the best. Most people with mental illness live "normal" lives, and most of the people around them may not even know about it. Going to a psychiatrist doesn't make me crazy. I do obsess over things (and sometimes people), but that doesn't mean I'm going to kidnap and torture somebody.

The Forgotten Carols

Last night, Aaron & I went to see The Forgotten Carols, a play written by Michael McLean. I have been a fan of Michael McLean since I was pretty young. My dad somehow got a video of some sort of presentation, more like a fireside, that he once did. He shared personal stories and songs he had written, and it was a HUGE spiritual guidance to me in my life. When some kids in our stake were killed in a car accident, my sister watched that video over and over again to find comfort in the plan of salvation. Michael McLean now has a play on Broadway based on some of the things he said in that video, and since then has released several CDs with more of his music. When people say they like Michael McLean, but have never heard of this video, I say "ha! We Stouts are REAL Michael McLean fans!! We loved his music before most people had heard of him!" I have been attending this play for YEARS and only missed maybe 4 times in the 20 years he's been performing. I can quote most of the play, too. When I was maybe 10 or 11, my sister and I put on a "play" from the book. It wasn't great, but it was fun and it was an awesome way to remember the true spirit of the holiday season.

So, last night, we were at the Forgotten Carols, and these songs, I've heard probably THOUSANDS of times, but yesterday it was like some of them were brand new. The first song is called "Let Him In" and it talks about opening your heart to let the Savior in. I actually closed my eyes, and leaned on Aaron's shoulder and literally tried to open my heart. The spirit POURED in. It was amazing. Later, another song's lines "The King of Kings and Lord of Lords was here, and He will come again!" and it hit me like a ton of bricks, HE WILL come again. I will meet my Heavenly Father, and His son, and what will I say? "I had depression, and it was hard, so I'm sorry I didn't take care of the temple/body that you gave me. It was hard for me to put food in my mouth, healthy or not, because I was dealing with life"? I have been trying to use the scriptures and gospel to help me through this, but that song hit me SO hard. (Probably part of that, is that I was preparing a lesson for my primary class about the 2nd coming).

They sang small portions of songs from Handel's "Messiah" that made me cry. Then, "Mary let me hold her Baby". That song used to be one I didn't like. I just wanted to get to the stuff that applied to my life. But when I got married, and we were trying to have kids, I heard the line "those like me who can't have children still can be Mothers" I bawled like a baby, and the line "something in His eyes convinced me, I could serve so many others" helped me push through the depression of infertility and try to help others, and be the best Aunt I could be.

The song "Three Kings" just has to be quoted:

"Somewhere beneath the glitter,
that comes this time of winter,
in many souls there is a cry.

They may not clearly say it,
but in their hearts they pray it,
and you can see it in their eyes

I can not find my way,
I can not find my way,
I can not find my way at all.

There are so many choices,
so many different voices,
I can not find my way at all."

This is ME. I swear the song was aimed at me last night. I have been so LOST lately, so depressed and confused, frustrated, and hurting. I was trying, (even though it seemed like I wasn't) but I couldn't find my way. Now, this is just the "chorus", the song talks about how the star that guided the wise men to Jesus calls to us today, and we can follow that light, too.

The song, "All I Ever Wanted" I think came out at the 10th anniversary, and I don't know that one as well, but it's message is that all the things we think we want, don't compare to what He gives us that we actually NEED. I started thinking about how badly I wanted to be happy, and how hard I had tried to have kids, and then, how blessed I am to have five amazing kids, a loving husband, a home, a job, etc. etc. etc. I  knew that, and thought I appreciated them, (I posted those things, too) but something about the spirit of the song....

After the play and the applause has died down, Michael McLean has everybody in the audience link arms and sing "We can be Together Forever Someday". He asks the audience to think of somebody they love that isn't there, and sing the song to them. Well, I of course thought of Glen and Julie. I have thought about them a few times, but something about all the other things last night, and I started just bawling again. It's been years since the play made me cry, but last night I was a wreck. I look forward to a day when I can see Julie and Glen, meet my Savior, and I hope that I will hear the words "well done, thou good and faithful servant."

To top it off, I got to teach my class about being prepared for the second coming. I didn't really follow the lesson very well, we just talked about what it will be like and what we can do now to be ready. But I was so excited to think that I am on the right road. I am not perfect, and I have a lot of work to do, but I am happy. I have the gospel, and five AMAZING children to teach that to. I am so blessed.

I'm still not 100%, but I know I'm on the right path. I'm so glad I got to share that night with my husband....I love you, FOREVER Aaron.

Normal

This blog was originally intended as a family thing, and I'm just talking about myself..... it's becoming my journal.... Promise once the depression is under control, there will be interesting posts :)

After my last doctor visit I got a higher dosage of the anti-depressant medication, and some anti-anxiety pills. I've been afraid to take the anxiety pills (I know, shocking!) The pills say they are addicting, and I am a person that is easily addicted. Another warning is that it makes it hard to concentrate (I'm already kind of a spacey person) and causes drowsiness (I've fallen asleep driving FOUR times...I don't need to be drowsy on my 45-minute commute every day). I have heard people talk about anxiety and panic attacks, but never fully understood it. It is freaky how one minute, I'm sitting there just fine, and the next minute, I'm having trouble breathing, and feel so overwhelmed I want to cry, or scream.

I have some of the most amazing friends. They have listened to my psycho ramblings for the past few months, and have stood by me when I've been undeserving. They have shown me true Christ-like love. So, thank you Jody, Cameo, Emily, and Angie. More than anyone else, Aaron has had to suffer. He has a vague understanding of depression, since he is struggling with it since his dad died. But he's having a hard time understanding why I'm not eating. I imagine it's aggravating to live with me, but he has been so loving and patient and kind. He buys me flowers, he listens to me, he sends me random text messages. He encourages me every day, and tries not to make me feel like a child. Aaron made me breakfast in bed a few times, too. I am so thankful for him. Without him, and my kids, I am sure this would be a lot worse.

When I sent a text to some of my closest friends stating that the world would be better off without me, I was in my room trying to convince myself not to take an entire bottle of Aaron's anti-anxiety pills. My friend Emily showed up, and just talked. Not even about the depression or what I was going through, just talked, and listened. At one point, Carson started screaming. I went to pick him up, and asked what was wrong. He said "I need my Mommy. I want my Mommy." I bawled like a little child. Aaron & the kids are the real reason that I am fighting this battle. They are the reason I want to continue. I know it seems like I'm giving up, and not trying, but I am, and I am determined to feel "normal" again.

Hungry, part 2

I was going to post this in my last entry, but I was getting long-winded and probably not making much sense. Anyway, I have mentioned a few times now that I'm having a hard time with the depression again. I don't think there's anything specific triggering it.

There is this constant "battle" in my head between good and evil. I realize that everybody has this to a certain extent (Jiminy Cricket anyone?) we all have that voice of reason, and sometimes we fight it. But I really feel like there are two "voices" constantly fighting in my head. Like on those TV shows where there is an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. Only this is REAL, and LOUD. Because I know what it's like, and have experienced this several times before, I almost feel like I'm just watching it from the outside. I know it's happening, but it's out of control. I don't know what to do about it.

My last entry mentioned that I "gave up" the anorexia idea because somebody told me it would affect my future children. Well, recently (after several conversations that made me feel very low) I guess I realized "I'm done having kids. It won't hurt them anymore" and got to thinking that if I didn't eat, I'd be saving money for my family (that's a big plus) and I felt I didn't deserve food anyway, because I was a bad person. A horrible friend, a lazy mom, selfish, mean. You get the idea. Not to mention it feels like my life is completely out of control. Downward spiral with the depression, still arguing with Aaron sometimes, overwhelmed with kids and housework, and stress at work. If I could control this ONE thing in my life, giving up eating was a great idea.

I went for about a week of skipping breakfast and lunch, then eating dinner with my family because that was too hard to hide. I have been fighting the depression for a couple months now, even had my medication doubled (didn't help much). Every day, I have to remind myself that it's not weak of me to eat. That I'm not a bad person for giving in to the hunger I feel.When I do eat, I want to cry because I am weak and couldn't do it, I lost control of this now, on top of everything else. I feel like a strong person wouldn't need food.

One afternoon, a Sunday, I locked my bedroom door to have a "chat" with Heavenly Father. I was trying to ignore the twins banging on my door the whole time, and I knelt down by my bed to have a heart-to-heart. The strong impression I kept getting was "talk to your friends. Tell somebody." I kept asking again, and unfortunately Heavenly Father wouldn't change his answer. I was sure He was wrong. Nope. So, I called Aaron at work. Aaron already knew some of it, but I don't think he realized that I was still fighting this internal battle. He said he was grateful that I was turning to him, and encouraged me to have dinner with the kids. I also sent a text to a few friends. I got lots of encouragement, but was afraid that they were all going to start "babysitting" me, too. I knew that it was what I needed, for people to know so I wouldn't start lying and hiding the problem again. But it sucks to have to rely on your friends so much, too. I HATE being needy, and I think I've been the neediest person around for quite some time now.

It's literally a constant battle for me. Every meal, I have to fight these thoughts of "you big wimp! you can do this, be strong. don't eat! take control!!" and try to encourage the thoughts like "everybody has to eat. you're not weak. take care of your temple." But mostly, I have to "replay" the words of my friends: "not eating, is like banging your head against the floor. It's idiotic to hurt yourself." or "what kind of example are you setting for your girls?" or "it's not weak. you're not weak." I argue with the voice telling me that I don't deserve to eat, because I am a bad person, or that the world, and my family, would be better off without me. I think that Aaron thought this would be short-lived. That once I went a day without skipping a meal, I'd be "cured." but tonight we had a ward Christmas party, and I told him I hated that I had eaten. That I had decided I didn't deserve lunch, had skipped breakfast, and that because I had eaten so much I felt like I needed to go home and throw it all up. I'm still trying to convince myself that it was OK to eat all that food.

I also had a doctor appointment today. I told him that the depression isn't improving since we doubled my dosage, and I'm pretty sure I have anxiety because I keep having panic attacks for no real reason. He asked me about a family history of bi-polar disorder, or schizophrenia. I was kind of freaked out, because I didn't want to have a "serious" mental disorder diagnosis like that. HA. I already have "suicidal ideation" and "depression" on my medical records. But before all that, when the nurse checked my weight, I was SO upset that I hadn't lost any weight with all the meal skipping. I felt like I needed to try harder. I'm still frustrated by it. Literally, another mental battle. He put me on anti-anxiety meds, and I am afraid I'll use them all up too fast! Every day, several panic attacks, and this never-ending mental battle.

Well, that was WAY more than I thought I was going to say. I think I'm done rambling for now.

Hungry?

When I was in Jr. High, I remember studying anorexia. I specifically remember thinking "well, that's not so bad! I want to be thin! What's wrong with not eating! I don't see a problem. Why is this considered a disorder?" {FYI, looking back, I'd LOVE to be that "fat" again} I tried it. I wasn't a very good anorexic, but I did skip a LOT of meals. I got to where I was lying about it, and hiding it. I was usually eating about one meal a day, sometimes less, sometimes more. I wasn't a "full-blown" anorexic, but a friend of mine recently said "what's the difference between being "fully" anorexic, and "kind of" anorexic? It's still a problem".

Well, it got pretty bad, and an amazing friend of mine went to her parents about it. She told them what was going on. My parents both worked, and weren't always there to see if I was eating. When they were there, I would eat (at least a little) or say I wasn't hungry that day. But I spent a lot of time with this friend, and she knew the truth. She was worried, and had every right to be. I was doing more than starving myself. I had a very low self-esteem, I wanted to die (well, since I'm being honest, I probably never wanted to die, but I wanted help, and I thought talking about suicide was a good way to get it. I didn't realize that at the time though).

Anyway, because of this friends' help, my mom confronted me. I was SO mad at Kim. I told her we'd never speak again (BTW, over 20 years later, we're still pretty close!) I lied to my parents and said Kim was overreacting. I simply got better at hiding it, and told more lies.

I don't think I realized how bad it was. Then, in 1994 I went to Oakcrest LDS Girls' camp. I had the best time, I learned a lot about the gospel, friendship, the atonement, myself, and most of all, learned to listen to the spirit. Anyway, it's REALLY hard to lie and hide the not-eating problem when you're at a girls' camp and are very close to several other girls and leaders. So, the girls in my cabin probably thought I was just trying to get attention. But my counselor "Duckie" was actually concerned. She went to the director at the camp and asked her to have a chat with me. Duckie had already said some things that helped me out, but I was difficult (admittedly, most teenage girls are difficult). One night, the director ("Sned") pulled me aside after dinner. She said several people were concerned. I was embarrassed, angry, frustrated, depressed, etc. etc. etc. The only thing that really sticks out from that conversation, was that she said "you know, what you eat now, and how you treat your body, will affect your life. It will affect the children you may one day have. It will affect your health more than you can imagine right now." Honestly, the only part I heard was "the children you may one day have." That seriously stopped me. I don't think I struggled with it after that. I wanted to be a mommy. It was one of few dreams I ALWAYS had. I wanted 10 kids, and if I had to eat and be "healthy" (or what everybody else was trying to convince me was healthy) I was going to do it for my kids.

I'm sure Duckie and Sned saved me in so many ways, and I doubt they ever knew what kind of an impact it had on me. Isn't it amazing how somebody can make such an impact on your life, and not know it? I guess we all assume that if someone did something AWESOME, they know how awesome they are. That person just has to know! But it's important to actually say it. Do something about it. I hope to be the type of person that helps, uplifts, and inspires. I like to think I'm a good person, but sometimes I really struggle with my value. I hope that people can speak highly of me, but I know it doesn't always happen. But now, I also want to make sure that the people that touch my life KNOW how much they have touched my life.

I am horrible at expressing myself. I've had many people say they'd love to see me drunk (don't worry, it will never happen) because I hold myself back so much that it'd be fun to see me "uninhibited" like that. I pray all the time that I can be more outgoing, more fun, expressive. I guess I need to accept who I am, but I also want to improve myself. I guess I just hope that all my friends, family, and other loved ones know how much they mean to me. I take my friendships VERY seriously. Some people I consider friends don't even know I think of them as friends.

Well, that's a lot of rambling. But this is for me, and it makes me feel better. I am going to make this "public" goal (to the audience of maybe 2 that read my entries) and say that I want to make sure the people I love KNOW how much they mean to me. I don't want there to be any question.

More Gratitude

Well, I actually remembered to get on and put the rest of my "thankful posts" from FB:

Day 17: today, I am thankful for the priesthood. For a man that honors it, and uses it to bless our family. For my Mommy making sure that I knew how important it would be in my life, after learning first-hand how hard it is to live without. For a young boy sticking to what he knew to be true, despite persecution and abuse, so that he could bring the gospel of Jesus Christ back to the Earth. I am so blessed. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Day 18: today I'm thankful for Curt & Sherry that have gotten my kids to and from school all week while I've been without a car. Still haven't heard from the adjustor, so unfortunately I will have to keep bugging them. I am so thankful that my friends can help when I need it!

Day 19: I am thankful for lazy Saturday mornings (even when it shouldn't be lazy because I have a lot to do) while we eat our hot breakfast and look at the beautiful snow.

Day 20: I'm thankful that my voice doesn't always sound like it has for the last several days. And look forward to being thankful that my voice is back to normal

Day 21: i'm thankful for netflix and living room picnics with my adorable kids. Tonight we're watching Santa Claus the Movie. classic

Day 22: i'm thankful for bedtime and naptime. Seriously..


Day 23: i'm thankful for late night talks with my husband. My brother's advice: it's amazing how the problems go away when you learn to listen....so true.

Day 24: i'm thankful for "huggy" people. I have a hard time expressing myself, but I do love hugs, and am thankful for the people that aren't afraid to hug. i'm also thankful for hymns, the people that wrote those songs were truly inspired, and the songs inspire many today.

Day 25: thankful for 4-day weekends to spend with my cute kids.

Day 26: I'm thankful for the trials that I have learned from, and grown from. Thankful for the opportunity to make my own choices, good or bad, and the chance to repent when I do wrong. His plan is perfect.

Day 27: thankful for cuddle time with my sweet kids. I am so blessed to be their mommy. (should I mention the part where I said "I take it back"? They were tough that day.) and I'm thankful for my primary class. I love those kids.


Day 28: thankful for modern conveniences like a dishwasher, washing machine, dryer, heater. I would not have made a good pioneer. :) also thankful for Sid the Science Kid teaching my kids not to fear the flu shots! They did awesome.


Day 29: thankful for stupid people. Really. Job security. Funny stories. I realize I am sometimes the stupid person, and I hope that I have provided comedy for some of you :)

Day 30: today I'm thankful for our friend Craig that hooked us up with an honest sales person so we could get a good deal on a car. (obviously that was the day we bought our "new" car, a 1999 Nissan Altima. It has 170,000 miles on it. But appears to be a great car.)


I know that I am very blessed. When I have a bad day, I feel like such a bad person because I should just be counting my blessings. I was actually disappointed that the "30-days" ended because it is fun to think of all the things I am blessed to have. But it was also getting hard to think of what to put on there. If you're especially observant, or know me especially well, then you know that I was not capitalizing "i" for a while because I was especially depressed.


Aaron & I had a rough month. He has been depressed, I have been depressed, the kids have been difficult, Aaron was sick for a while, I screwed up on a lot of things. When I was without a voice, my hubby came home with roses for me. I didn't show him the appreciation he deserved, and he was hurt. That was a minor event, but it was one of the "bumps" in our road.


Honestly, I've hit a few times when I wondered if we would make it. I was so sure before, but there were a few times that I was wondering about everything. When it comes down to it, I love that man I married over 12 years ago. I long to be with him. I am blessed to have him, and our five beautiful, healthy, happy kids.


Here's to REMEMBERING those blessings, and focusing on the positive.

Gratitude Attitude

I am feeling pretty crazy today. I don't know what to post, but feel like posting. Lame, I know.... I created one post that I didn't publish. Maybe one day some of it will be on here. Anyway....

I have been on this roller coaster at work, and at home. Seems like for every "up", there are 3 "downs". Aaron is still doing pretty good, he's had a couple of small relapses to the "old way" but he is doing great. We've gotten through it, and talked it out. That's HUGE for us. He has pointed out that I'm not making any changes, I'm still the same old me, and he has made some miraculous changes. I'm trying. But I'm just stuck in the depression, and can't seem to find the way out.

My job is stress lately. I had a friend accuse me of something, and then a few days later another friend accused me of almost the exact same thing. It made me hit rock bottom that people I consider friends would think so little of me. I started thinking of all the negative comments that have been made toward me, and decided I MUST be the type of person they were saying. Some of the things bouncing in my head were:
"you are not a good person"
"many people are hurt by your deception, and dishonesty"
"you do good things, but are not a good person"
"you're mean"
"you're still the same person you've always been, and it sucks"
"you should think about consequences your actions before you make them"
"I can't believe you'd do that"
"you're a horrible person"
"you are a liar"
There were many more, but I think that's enough of a reminder for me :) Well, no matter how hard my REAL friends tried to convince me otherwise, all I could think of were those hurtful statements. WHY is it so easy to hold on to the negative? So hard to remember the good things? I know that mostly it's the depression, but I also know that everybody does this to a certain degree.

I have been trying to focus on the good things in my life. One of the facebook trends is to post something you're grateful for every day. So, it's the 16th today, and I'm going to re-post all my gratitude things so they're all in one place:

Day 1: I'm thankful for FAMILY. Siblings, parents, children, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws. All of them. Because they're there for you NO MATTER WHAT!
Day 2: I'm thankful for the Reproductive Care Center. The doctors & nurses there that helped us to have three of our five children. I'm grateful that they were so amazing when we were going through the challenges of infertility, and especially thankful that we were blesed with healthy pregnancies and babies.
Day 3: I'm thankful for the atonement. For the knowledge that ALL can be forgiven and change their lives if we choose to.
Day 4: I was going 2 save it for his bday, but I am so thankful for my husband. He works hard to take care of our family, the house, the yard, and more. He has been my knight in shining armor for 13 years and I never want to be without him.
Day 5: I'm thankful for music. It can lift me when I'm down, and if I didn't have a piano to play with, I don't know how I'd live! I'm glad there are people that write this amazing stuff, it's a gift I wish I had, but am thankful others share.
Day 6: I am thankful for all the comforts of my home. Heat when it's cold, cold when it's hot, protection, light when it's dark, and love when I need it! ♥ ♥
Day 7: I'm thankful for all the people that have served our country. Loving the Veteran's Home field trip. Miss Glen. proud to be American.
Day 8: I'm thankful for the opportunity to vote! Some people sacrificed so much for us to have that right.
Day 9: today I'm thankful for teachers. My kids have been blessed with some of the best in school, but they are all over. They lead, and inspire. Thank you teachers!
Day 10: today I am thankful for 5 beautiful, healthy, and (mostly) happy kids. They keep me going, in more ways than one. I remember wondering if I'd ever have any kids, and I am so thankful that Heavenly Father sent them all to me! I love them all SO much, and it makes me appreciate my mommy more than ever!!
Day 11: I am thankful for good friends. The ones that make the "not-so-good" friends bearable. I have so many great friends, but especially my big sister AngeLena, and BFFS Cameo, and Emily who are always there when I need somebody, and have awesome advice. Also, co-workers can be friends. Thanks Jody & Tyler for putting up with me :) I am blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for always being there.
Day 12: today, I'm thankful for a job. I don't always like the place, and it definitely adds to my stress sometimes. But Aaron & I have both been blessed with steady income, and I'm so grateful for that.
Day 13: I'm thankful for date nights, and good babysitters.
Day 14: Wrecked my car on the way home from work. A little irritated with myself. But thankful nobody was injured. That's going to have to do it for my 'thankful post' today.
Day 15: I'm thankful for modern medicine. By that, I mean DRUGS. lol kidding!! I am thankful for all the little things, like neosporin and band-aids and life-saving things like transplant surgeries, chemotherapy, and more. Especially, for the people that dedicate so much time and money so we can have these blessings.
Day 16: today I'm thankful for scriptures. They sure can bring comfort, and they have some great stories. I am especially taking comfort in 1 Nephi 3:7

I will try to remember to post the rest as the month goes on. But, I make no guarantees..... (I've been at UPS too long lol)

I really have a great life, and am so thankful to be in this place, this time, and to have a home, family, and work. Life is never easy, and depression sucks! But I am so blessed, and I am going to do my best to focus on that. I shall end with a positive one of my TRUE friends posted about me. It meant the world to me..... 

today I am thankful for having the best friend a girl could ever ask for. Amberleah J Stucky is the greatest. She knows me really well and sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself. She is always there for me when I need the shoulder to cry on, or the pep talk to get through my day. We always have a great time together, usually laughing and talking for hours on end. She is the one I would want in my corner to help me fight any battle. Thank you Amberleah for all that you do and all that you are. I love you!

Thank you, Cameo. Everyone should have friends like you!!

Fears

Friday October 7, I was going to take my friend out to dinner for her birthday. Aaron had previously said it would be OK (though he wasn't happy about it) and then, as I was leaving, he changed his mind. He said something along the lines of "if you leave, it will end our marriage." I took off my shoes, and stayed home.
The next morning, Aaron called me from work. He said that he realized he had screwed up, he felt horrible about it, and if I didn't go out that night to make up for it, he would kill himself. He told me he had already tried. Aaron hasn't been depressed enough to hurt himself for about 12 years. I was scared. Didn't know if I should call 9-1-1 and send somebody to his work, or just ignore his threats. I have been there, and I know that it's a cry for help, but I did not know how bad this cry was. Did he just need understanding, a listening ear? Or did he need medical attention? I decided to just wait for him to come home and decide from there.

I took my friend to lunch before Aaron got home, since we had plans with my siblings and parents that night. (They just moved in to a new home, and the yard was atrocious) When Aaron got home, we went to help pull weeds and make the yard more presentable. Aaron was his 'old self' that night. He was joking around with my family, was the first one to start working, and the last one to stop. It was actually very good for both of us, we enjoyed the work and the company.

When everybody else had left, I was still getting the kids into their pajamas, and Aaron said his stomach was hurting. I said that he was probably giving himself an ulcer or something, and my mom immediately went to Aaron's side. He started crying and told her about the previous two days (he DID, in fact hurt himself at work, 3 cuts on his upper arm). My mom was awesome, she just listened and helped him in a way that I didn't seem able to. My mom has always been an amazing listener, and she understands people. It was exactly what he needed. I don't think Aaron was 100% sure why he was so upset about me taking a friend out, but the fact that my mom cared helped him immensely. After awhile, my mom said "Aaron, do you need a priesthood blessing?" he nearly smiled. I knew that it was exactly what he needed.

My dad gave Aaron an amazing blessing, which he wrote about in his journal. The spirit was very strong and Aaron received some answers that he had been searching for. It really lifted his spirit, I could see a glimmer of light in his eyes again. When we got home, we talked while he recorded the blessings in his journal. We talked about the things that had been bothering him, and went to sleep holding each other, happy.

Sunday morning, when I woke up Aaron was not in bed. For a moment, I thought maybe he had gotten up early to make breakfast in bed. I couldn't hear anything/anyone in the kitchen. I saw Karleah in the living room and asked her where her dad was. She didn't know. I sent her downstairs to check, while I went in the kitchen to see if he was there. Karleah came up and said "he's asleep on the couch down there, and he won't wake up." Aaron hadn't been sleeping well, and had had several headaches so I figured he just needed his rest. While I was fixing breakfast, Karleah came in the kitchen and whispered "Mom, Dad's on the stairs, crying." I started walking towards the stairs, and Aaron must have gotten up at the same time because we nearly bumped into each other. He had red eyes, like he had been crying for a long time. I asked "what's wrong?" His responses left me dumbfounded:
"You don't remember last night?"
"What do you mean? Weeding at my parents'?"
"What you said to me. The things you said. Can I just have a few minutes with the kids before I leave?"
"Leave? Why? What do you mean, leave? What are you talking about?"
"You told me you hated me, and that I had to leave. You said I'd never see the kids again. That you would be filing for divorce on Monday. Can I please just have a few minutes with them? Since I'll never see them again?" He was really crying now. I was confused. Was I remembering wrong, or was he?
"Aaron? That didn't happen."
"You said you hated me, that things weren't working out. That you were going to end everything and I'd never see the kids again."
"Aaron, I didn't say those things." As I was talking, I tried to get close to him, touch him, anything to provide comfort. He just kept backing away and shaking his head. He was afraid of me, and I couldn't convince him that this "fight" had NOT happened.
He let the kids get close, but would not allow me near him. Still crying, and insisting that I had kicked him out.
I kept my distance, but tried to use some logic. "Aaron, remember going to my parent's new house?"
"Yes."
"We pulled weeds, with my siblings and then stayed later than everybody else."
"Yeah."
"When everybody was gone, you told my mom how you felt, and she hugged you. She asked if you needed a blessing."
"I think I remember that."
"My dad gave you a blessing."
"OK....I think that sounds familiar"
"When we got home, you wrote about it in your journal. We talked until 1am and held each other."
"I don't remember that. I remember you got mad, you were screaming."
"Aaron, that part didn't happen. Can I get your journal? So you can read what you wrote about last night?"
"I don't remember going downstairs. I remember getting in the car, and I left."
"Aaron, you're still here, at the house. The car is here, too. If you left, how could you still be here?" He was still confused ,but it was like a light came on because he realized that part of it wasn't true. If that part hadn't happened, maybe the rest hadn't happened either.
He was really sobbing now, but he was letting me get close. I pulled him close, put his head on my shoulder. "I don't know, but you were so mad. You kicked me out."
"No, we fell asleep in each others arms. Happy."
He finally seemed to be coming 'back' I could see it as he slowly started to remember the way things had REALLY happened.

Eventually, we got all the kids ready for church and actually made it there on time. During the closing hymn, Aaron started shaking, (mild, but uncontrollable) and stopped singing. I took the hymnbook out of his hand after the song, and his hand stayed in the same position. After a few seconds, he put his hand down, looked at me and said "I forgot how to talk for a minute." I was lost for words, yet I had SO many questions. Had he just had a small seizure? Did we have to worry about the epilepsy again? Was it just a fluke because he had been so stressed and depressed? How could I know if it was epilepsy or depression? Which doctor should I call? How urgent was it?

The next morning, I called Aaron's neurologist and asked if the weekend's incidents could be from the seizure medication. They called me back and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. We got nowhere with the neurologist. He said the "episodes" were not seizure related, nightmares and sleep walking are not associated with epilepsy or Dilantin; and it was probably something else. He was in such a hurry, he didn't even try to hear the whole story. The only thing he said was that "maybe" the incident in church was a "small seizure". We got no answers. He didn't have time for us, and it was frustrating. No, it was aggravating!

The primary care doctor just keeps giving Aaron different prescriptions trying to help with the depression/anxiety, and the neurologist says it's "not related to epilepsy". Aaron went on anti-depressants because of severe mood swings, and the neurologist claims the anti-depressants are causing the mood swings. I feel like we're stuck in a vicious circle and can't get the answers. Aaron is talking to a counselor again, but right now I am confused, worried, frustrated. I don't know what to expect.

Aaron's best friend growing up was his twin brother. They were practically inseparable until they went on their missions. His twin married a woman that wouldn't allow them to be in touch with each other. She was very controlling and manipulative, Eric wasn't allowed to call his family, or socialize with anybody. They moved to Alaska which made things even harder. He still had the rest of his family, and we visited them almost every week. He joined a mens golf league and went golfing every Tuesday with his dad. When Karleah started school, and we started having more kids, that got hard to do. He tried ,but wasn't able to go as often. Then, his dad died.

Now, it's not like Aaron was just sitting around dwelling on these things. I don't think he even realized he felt abandoned. But, because his two best friends weren't around, and I still had friends (which he'd never had, because he had his twin) and I still had the opportunity to do things occasionally, he was jealous. He is afraid that I will find something, or someone "better", or that I won't come back (like Eric & his dad). He is just now putting this together, and Eric moved to Alaska over 10 years ago, and his dad died over 2 years ago. Slowly he has watched me gain other relationships, and he hasn't had the same opportunities.

I think everybody does this sometimes. I know I have!! Sometimes we don't even realize how we feel about things, until something triggers a reaction and then as we sort through the situation, we start putting things together. Aaron doesn't want to be controlling, he wants me to have friends. But he has lost loved ones before, and then came close to losing me and the kids. It's not abuse, it's not selfishness, it's FEAR, a real fear that makes perfect sense.

The Patriot, and General Conference

Last week, I got to go out to dinner with a great friend. I've known her since we were infants :) She knows little about the situation with Aaron & I, and asked a few questions about how we are doing. At one point, I told her that I knew Aaron had been dealing with some demons, and he wasn't himself. It suddenly came to me, like a small whisper, that Aaron had a lot to accomplish on this Earth, and that is why he was still around and we were still together. It occurred to me that Satan had been working on Aaron because he knew Aaron's worth.

As I drove home, I couldn't stop thinking about what I had said, and the whisperings of the spirit. I compare it to the movie "The Patriot" (YES, I have seen some rated "R" movies, don't judge lol). For anybody that may not have seen that movie, Mel Gibson is the main actor, and his character is a patriot for the Revolutionary War. His character had vowed to never fight again after the French and Indian conflict. The British soldiers show up at his home and endanger his family, he decides to fight after all. He leads a "rebel" militia against the British soldiers. Anyway, one of his basic tactics is to go after the captains in the British army. He knew that once he took out the captain, the rest of that group (sorry, I don't know military terms and haven't seen the movie for a while) would fall apart. It was actually very successful (of course, that's why it's a movie).

I began to compare this movie to the workings of Satan. Satan knows our worth, he was there in Heaven with us. He knows what we are capable of. He aims for the "captains" in the army of truth, and tries to take them out so that he will have a stronger army. There are so many people that Satan singles out and tries to take down, and I believe one of the tactics he uses is to take out the strong ones first. I look forward to seeing the great things my husband will accomplish on Earth!

Today in General Conference, there were (as always) SO many great things to hear. Boyd K. Packer said that a mistake is never made without there first being a whisper from the Holy Ghost warning us of danger. Then he said that on the reverse, all mistakes can be forgiven through the atonement. Sin is a prison, and the only key to getting us out is the atonement. With the gift Christ gave us, we can be saved from evil, from Satan's plan. IF we listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. We are never far from the sight of our Father in Heaven.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf talked about how Satan uses discouragement as a tool. He tells us we are not good enough, we are forgotten, and we are insignificant. Wow, talk about something I needed to hear. It's like the depression makes me more susceptible to the whisperings of Satan. He said "Next to God man is nothing, but to God, man is everything." He loves us so much! One of the last things he said was "you matter to Him" and he pointed out that the things we see, feel, and suffer in this life are only temporary. In the life to come, Eternal Life, we will be blessed with pure joy. I so badly needed that reminder.

D. Todd Christofferson spoke about repentance, and I was again in awe at the gifts we've been given to be forgiven. Holding on to sin "mocks" the sacrifice Christ made. He has already paid the price and we only have to confess, abandon sin, and commit to obedience. "With faith, despair turns into hope. The cost of repentance is swallowed up in the joy of the forgiveness we receive."

L. Tom Perry's talk was awesome too, but one thing that really stuck out was "perfect love casteth out fear" so I am going to do my best to find that love and not be afraid to be myself. I want to "respond to the invitations to share my beliefs".

I know that I have a little work on the depression thing. I have said and done things that I regret, but I know that it's only temporary and I'll get through it. I'm thankful that conference was so helpful today. The leaders of the church are truly inspired men. I'm so inspired by Aaron's dedication to me and the kids.

Some Links

My friend commented on the last post, and I stole some links from her that might be helpful. I don't think many people are really reading this anyway, but now I have easy access too :)
DBSA- Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness
NIMH- National Institute of Mental Health

Thanks M

Depression

OK, I am just going to say it. I wish I had just about any physical ailment instead of depression. I hate depression. Everybody hates cancer, but I swear nobody talks about depression. People understand things like cancer, or diabetes, or even a cold. But depression is hard to understand, even if you've "been there" everybody's experience is so vastly different from the next that it's hard to completely understand it. My depression is genetic, not situational, and even I have a hard time talking about it. This is one reason I started a blog, so here I go:

I hate the way I feel if I forget my pill one day. I hate the way people joke about "happy pills" because it's not that easy. I hate being sad even though there is so much to be happy about. I hate that I can't explain this to people that have never been there. I hate that there are no "tests" to run to find out the "type" or "seriousness" of depression, and which medications will work the best. I hate having to just try medicines out until I find one that works, and it SUCKS that it can take up to a month for a medication to start working, especially when it is the wrong one and you have to start all over again. I had enough of the month-by-month waiting game when we were trying to get pregnant.

For the most part, my depression has been under control, at least since the time I started anti-depressants in high school. There was a period of about one year when my medication stopped working, and I tried six different anti-depressants before we found the one that worked. Apparently it's common for anti-depressants to just stop working. I'm afraid that it's happening again, I've only been on this one a little over two years, but I just can't get a hold of my feelings. I don't want to visit the "dark place" again.

The two worst things I've been told about depression is that 1) I must "like" being miserable because I am miserable so often; or 2) that it's a "selfish" disease because you are only worried about your own feelings. Let me address these one by one:

1 - Nobody enjoys depression, even the people that have it so bad they hurt themselves, HATE feeling that way. I have never talked to any person that actually likes feeling that way. It's horrible, and when the people closest to you don't understand it, it's even worse. The one thing you want (happiness) seems so simple to obtain, and yet impossible to hold onto. No, I do not enjoy being depressed, or miserable. I hate the type of attention it gets me. I believe we all go through trials for a reason, and one of those reasons is to help others who may have the same trial later in life. So, I try not to tell people about my depression, unless I know they "need" to hear it or I think they might understand. DEPRESSION SUCKS, and NO I don't like it.

2- I can see how somebody who has never dealt with depression would think it's selfish. Especially somebody who may have suffered the loss of a loved one due to depression (suicide). Depression makes absolutely NO sense. Ever. That's it. The person suffering CANNOT think clearly and therefore it's impossible for them to understand how the things they are feeling/suffering could affect anybody else. Let me also say that I have prayed countless times for the strength to overcome my depression, to just "be myself" and not be so shy. I hate that my depression makes me so self-conscious. Sometimes I just beat myself up for not doing things that I want to do, because I'm too depressed to really try. I know it's "selfish" sounding, and that makes me want to cry, because the last way I want to be remembered is "selfish".

I look forward to the day when my body (and mind) are whole and perfect. Until then, I am thankful for loved ones to help me through the dark times. I am blessed to have a knowledge of the gospel in my life because I know that one day, I will not have this problem, and that my Father in Heaven sees me for who I really am.

Eternity

It has been over 2 months since the "incident" and I am amazed at the progress we've made. Aaron & I have two more sessions of marriage counseling scheduled. A lot of our appointments have been mostly just listening while the counselor talks. He is always telling us how much he loves talking with us, because we're the "perfect" couple. He has said that we're a lot of fun and he rarely has couples that make so much progress in so little time.

My parents celebrated their 40th anniversary this month, too. On Saturday September 10 my siblings all came out (with spouses, of course) and all my nieces & nephews were there. My sister had this AMAZING plan to have the grandchildren sing a few songs to my parents. It was adorable. I played the piano, and my SIL took video (I have GOT to try and get a copy!) The spirit was so strong, my parents are amazing people. They raised 4 kids that all got married in the temple. All the boys (including son-in-laws) went on missions. We are all still active in the gospel. When I saw them enjoying the family time, I couldn't help but think that one day, Aaron & I would be there. We will celebrate many anniversaries together, and I look forward to the time when we are both retired, and our grandchildren can come for sleep-over parties. I want to grow old with him. Who'da thunk that after the "incident" on the fourth of July? I sure didn't expect it.

Two weeks ago, we finally had a big "issue" come up in therapy. The counselor was so excited, it was quite comical. I have a friend that is single and we like to get together sometimes. Sometimes dinner, or a movie, just "girl" time. Aaron was jealous of the time I spend with her, and I was having a hard time understanding it. We talked about how we both felt, and kind of agreed to disagree. It didn't come up again after that session, until we returned the next week. The counselor asked about the "previously discussed issue",


I told him I was confused at Aaron's jealousy, so the counselor asked him to try and explain his feelings. Aaron pointed out that when I am angry with other people (especially this friend), I forgive very quickly, but when Aaron hurts me, I "hold on" to it longer (I don't see it that way, but this was how Aaron felt). The counselor asked "why do you think she does that?" Aaron said "because there is more invested in OUR relationship than in any others she has." I actually got teary eyed at that, I realized how TRUE it is, and how much I am in LOVE with the man I married over 12 years ago. The counselor asked how I felt about what Aaron had said, and I tried to regain control of my emotions as I said "it just makes me love him even more!" They were both surprised at my reaction. It's amazing how the love we share can still grow.

I'm not sure how it came up, but eventually we were asked if either of us had ever lost a loved one to death. It brought back a flood of memories. Remember, I had already gotten "teary-eyed" in this session. Aaron's dad passed away June 28, 2009 (heart disease) and 3 weeks later on July 19 my brother's wife passed away (cancer). I had forgotten how hard that summer was. I forgot how much I love and miss Glen & Julie. I am not sure what this has to do with anything, but I just felt I had to blog about that. I am so grateful for eternal families. I am excited to spend eternity with the man I love, and to see our loved ones again. What would life be like without that knowledge?

I love my eternal family. We are stuck(y) together FOREVER and I couldn't ask for anything more.

Finding my Place Again

Wednesday afternoon, I got home from work feeling really sad. I couldn't put my finger on it. I was frustrated that I was sad, when there is so much good in my life. Aaron has made the most miraculous changes, we're having FHE, praying as a family, enjoying fun times together (even on the "normal" days) and I am getting the things I've always wanted from my husband.
Aaron kept asking what was bothering me, but I wasn't sure what was gettig to me so bad. I was 'just depressed', and I told him to give me space and it would eventully just go away. Well, I had been home several hours and things weren't looking up. I was worried about a friend, I was stressed at work, but it was more than that, and I couldn't figure it out.

I walked in the bedroom to grab a basket of towels that needed folding, and there was my husband. Kneeling down, praying. In the middle of the day. I was in shock, but also angry at first (sad, I know!) because I figured he was praying for me. I didn't want to be "prayed for" this was just a "phase" and I knew it was going to pass with time. I didn't want him to worry about me. I sat and folded the towels as he prayed. I thought for sure he'd sense me in there, and get uncomfortable enough to stop praying. Well, he didn't. He just kept on going. When he finally stood up, I asked what he was praying for. Just what I had feared, he said "I was praying for you. I'm worried about you. I want to see you smile again." Part of me was so happy that he was praying at all, and that he was finally noticing my emotions. But another part of me just couldn't let go of the depression.

I laid on the bed and started talking, figuring that eventually I could get the right words out and figure out why I was so upset. Eventually, I was crying and he was holding me and playing with my hair, wiping my tears, and LISTENING. It's amazing what happens when we listen to each other.

I had been praying for years for Aaron to get his anger under control, to talk to a counselor, to learn how to talk to me without making it a fight, for him to start praying again, and that we could work out all the other problems in our marriage. Then, almost overnight, I had ALL those things. It's hard to believe how fast he made the changes, and how quickly the Lord stepped in once Aaron started trying. I was thankful for the changes, but I was also "lost" because Aaron was doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, spending time with the family, and had even stopped watching TV.

I got all the things I had been praying for, but I was suddenly depressed and that made me mad too. I should be thankful, how could I be selfish enough to be depressed? I told Aaron "I've lost my place in the family. I was the strong one, the one that did all the work myself. The one that prayed with the kids, and had family home evenings; tried to bring the spirit into our home. I feel like I lost my identity because YOU do it all now. Everybody that knows the details is praising you, patting you on the back. But I'm just "here" and nobody seems to have noticed all that I have done for the past 10 or so years." I really started hating myself for those emotions. I knew it was stupid, and selfish and a whole lot of other horrible things.

I compared my feelings to post-partum depression. You wait SO long to have that baby, you can't wait to hold him/her and be done with the pregnancy. Then, the baby comes and you're happy for a few days, maybe even weeks, then you realize how hard life gets with a baby, and how everybody cares about the baby but nobody seems to notice YOU anymore.

Aaron just listened, truly listened to me. Because he had prayed for me, I was able to figure out what was bothering me, and he was able to hear and understand my point of view. I think that's a first in our 12 1/2 years together. He told me he wasn't trying to take my place or make me feel lost, and even APOLOGIZED for making me feel that way. He pointed out that I had a right to be frustrated and confused, even depressed. It's truly amazing the things that happen when we're praying.

We went to marriage counseling that night too. It was great, and I can't even explain why. It just was. We know we're on the right track, and I know that we can do anything with God on our side. When we see older couples together, we both think about how fun it will be to grow old together.

You Never Know

I posted about a friend I may have lost because I gave Aaron "another chance". I am OK with that, because I am the one that has to answer to Heavenly Father about this, and the decision is between me, God, and Aaron. Nobody else's opinion matters. Though it is nice to have the support of friends, it's not necessary. All I need is my family and my faith (not my daughter lol)

I was chatting with a friend about the situation. I know that things could have been much worse, and I have heard of much worse situations than ours. I still really wish I had taken action sooner, that I hadn't let things get "so bad" before I told Aaron I didn't trust him. Abuse is never OK. Even if you don't think it's "that bad" or you think somebody is strong enough to handle it. I should have acted sooner, my telling him not to come home, (thanks to my friend telling me to stop making excuses) made all the difference. DON'T WAIT to do something about abuse if you hear about it.

People say "I'd never let that happen to me" but you know, I said that too. I was in a bad relationship in high school. He told me nobody would ever love me after what he had done to me. He belittled me all the time. I was never going to let that happen again, I always said I was "too strong" to be in another abusive relationship, or that "I knew better". I had learned my lesson (I thought). You can never understand this unless you've been there yourself. It sneaks up on you, and before you know it, you're going through H-E-L-L, and it's not necessary. There is so much help available. Luckily, I didn't have to take advantage of any of these things, but I know it's out there.

Aaron and I have had some very long discussions since the 4th of July. He pointed out how slowly Satan can get you. How one day, you're just "too tired" to pray or read your scriptures. Then, it gets easier and easier to avoid. Eventually, you don't want to go to church. You start using bad language, and before you know it, he's got you so far in the darkness you think you can never get out. But, thanks to our bishop's words of advice Aaron found a way out of that darkness. I know he was literally fighting off devils. He finally realized he was losing his family. He is so much better than he ever was before. (though I don't recommend going through H-E-L-L to become stronger)

I love you Aaron. You amaze me, and inspire me every day. I am so thankful for the people that support us, but more than anything, I'm glad we were both raised with values and morals. With a faith that helps us get out of the darkness.

More Fun

We had so much fun on the 24th of July (Pioneer Day), my awesome SIL offered to host a party at her place, and we had a BBQ, and did fireworks. My brother was lighting the fireworks, and the kids were all cheering for a neighbor's fireworks that went up in the air. He was pretending to be jealous, and said "Oh yeah? Does THAT show come with DANCING?" so he started dancing behind the fireworks to get the kids excited. It was so fun. At the end, my other brother got up and started dancing too. Unfortunately, I didn't get any pics of the dancing, but here are a few of the sparklers:

Sweet Vanessa, sucking her thumb. Typical!!

Nathanael LOVES sparklers. He's so cute.

Carson, adorable brown eyes.

my SIL and niece

Aaron had to work, so he couldn't enjoy this with us, and Karleah never let me get a pic of her. But a couple days later, when we were all home, we enjoyed some watermelon. It was Faith's first taste, so we had to get pictures :)

Nathanael & Vanessa

Carson

Vanessa

Karleah

isn't she beautiful?

she wouldn't eat the good part, kept turning it back to the rind.

she's so sweet :)

and that's my hunny. He makes me happy.

We had such a fun couple of weeks. Now we're trying to adjust to the "norm" again. It's been good so far, and I know that with Heavenly Father, it will continue to be good.

Breakfast in Bed

I failed to mention something AMAZING in my last post, so I'm back again. The week that I've had off, has been miraculous in many ways. Aaron has had a tremendous change of heart. He made me breakfast in bed three times. Now, to some, that's not amazing, but for us, it's huge. Aaron has only done this maybe two other times in the 12 years we've been married. The first time, it was toast with Nutella (see, amazing) with yogurt and a banana. He woke up before any of the kids (amazing again, because Nathanael is always up before the sun) and we sat in bed and talked while we ate together. It was romantic, and spiritual too. The second time, he made pancakes from scratch. He has never made pancakes, even with a mix before. In fact, if I ever plan pancakes on the menu, he tells me he doesn't know how to make them, and doesn't even look at the recipe. (The pancakes were amazing BTW) Again, this time he was up before the kids and we enjoyed some quiet time in bed talking and eating before the kids were up.

I asked Aaron how he had managed to get up so early without an alarm clock. Aaron is always the one that sleeps late, even with 2 alarm clocks and screaming kids he can stay in bed. He told me "I prayed for an opportunity to do this. I wanted to show you my love for you." My husband, praying. That's amazing that he is praying over things like this. He has never done this before. This brought another question "who are you, and what have you done with Aaron?" He just smiled and said "this IS the Aaron you married. I'm coming back."

He had another counseling session, and he is learning some great things from this guy. He also met with our family doctor and got back on the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. Those take some time to kick in, but he's doing really great. The only thing we can give credit to for that, is the prayer. He has really been pouring his heart out to the Lord.

The third time, he made me breakfast and the kids were up before he brought it in, so he stayed with the kids while I stayed in the room. In the past, I think if he had tried to do this, the kids would have been running in to me every couple of seconds asking for something. But, this time, they wanted their daddy. They enjoyed time with him, and I enjoyed a bit of a break.

When we attended church together after he came home, he leaned over and whispered to me "you know, all those times I called you selfish? I think it was because I was being selfish, and didn't realize it. So I pushed that onto you." I didn't want to just agree, but we all do that sometimes, don't we? We hate to see the bad in ourselves, and sometimes we push that attribute onto those closest to us, the ones we love the most. I'm sure I've done the same to Aaron.

I go back to work tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it, but it's the next "leap of faith" for both of us. Aaron's first time alone with the kids since the "incident". I know Heavenly Father has helped us get this far, and I am trying my darndest to have the faith that He will continue to bless us, and that we will be worthy of the blessings. I'm sure that as long as we keep praying, attending the temple, and TALKING we will be fine, because we know how close we came to losing everything. None of us want to tempt fate again. We will keep praying.


I love my little family. I am SO blessed to have these 5 amazing kids, and a man that loves us all enough to fight the demons off, and that he is trying to reach his full potential. I love my life! :)

Vacation Week

At work, we choose our vacations for the entire year in January or February. I chose this week as my vacation week because I like trying to do something for Pioneer Day, but, I never did get anything planned. Heavenly Father was watching out for us, though. We have had a great week. It's amazing, the way things have fallen into place this week while we've "re-connected" and spent time together, as a family.

Monday, Aaron had to work but I took the kids to the park and we stayed up late and watched a movie on the hide-a-bed. They absolutely love doing that.

Tuesday, Aaron surprised me with a date to the temple. My friend came and watched all the kids, we drove to the temple and had a great time together, talking all the way there and back. When we held hands in the temple, it was electric. It was amazing the spirit that was with us, and we both felt at peace with the way things are going. When we got back, it was too late to do much of anything with the kids, but we went for a walk. The kids saw a playground and wanted to stop and play, but I suggested we keep walking to the gas station and have Daddy buy candy bars. Vanessa was especially excited, "treats make me HAPPY! That's a great idea!" she said.

Wednesday I had won some tickets to Hollywood Connection, so we got a free family activity. The kids had fun on the rides, and mini golf.

sweet Vanessa

Faith & Daddy

Daddy, Carson & Faith

Karleah & Nathanael on the balloon ride

Aaron & the twinners.

Faith had fun watching everybody else.

more carousel time.

Aaron took Carson down the slide, he was too scared to go alone.

Vanessa, my lefty

the boys

Karleah was so great with the little ones, they had so much fun.

watch out, here come the Stucky Twins!!

holding hands on the carousel, STILL IN LOVE :)

cutie Carson

After all that fun, we had our marriage counseling appointment. We really like this therapist, he is SO funny and that's great when we're talking about things that are not easy to talk about. But he is great, and we're making great  progress.

Thursday we went bowling. We are on the Kids Bowl Free program so we only had to pay for shoe rental. Our neighbor came along, and the kids really enjoyed themselves.

after bowling, we went home for a few hours, then headed to Liberty Park (unfortunately I left the camera in the van and didn't get any pictures of that part). We met some of our friends from Tooele there, and it was fun to let the kids play in the water while we just relaxed and talked.

We got home pretty late Thursday night, and Aaron had to get up early for work. It was hard for him to go to bed alone while I cleaned up. He still has some anxiety about everything. He's afraid what will happen if he slips up again. We had a long talk though, and I'm amazed at the man that I married. He has come so far in so little time. I know there will be 'bumps in the road' but I know that with Heavenly Father on side, we will come out victorious.

It was hard for us both when Aaron went back to work today, we wanted the days off together to last forever. But we are looking forward to the next vacation time, when we can do some fun activities with our amazing kids, and simply ENJOY being a family. They will not be little forever, and we're trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

I love you Aaron Glen Stucky!