Depression

OK, I am just going to say it. I wish I had just about any physical ailment instead of depression. I hate depression. Everybody hates cancer, but I swear nobody talks about depression. People understand things like cancer, or diabetes, or even a cold. But depression is hard to understand, even if you've "been there" everybody's experience is so vastly different from the next that it's hard to completely understand it. My depression is genetic, not situational, and even I have a hard time talking about it. This is one reason I started a blog, so here I go:

I hate the way I feel if I forget my pill one day. I hate the way people joke about "happy pills" because it's not that easy. I hate being sad even though there is so much to be happy about. I hate that I can't explain this to people that have never been there. I hate that there are no "tests" to run to find out the "type" or "seriousness" of depression, and which medications will work the best. I hate having to just try medicines out until I find one that works, and it SUCKS that it can take up to a month for a medication to start working, especially when it is the wrong one and you have to start all over again. I had enough of the month-by-month waiting game when we were trying to get pregnant.

For the most part, my depression has been under control, at least since the time I started anti-depressants in high school. There was a period of about one year when my medication stopped working, and I tried six different anti-depressants before we found the one that worked. Apparently it's common for anti-depressants to just stop working. I'm afraid that it's happening again, I've only been on this one a little over two years, but I just can't get a hold of my feelings. I don't want to visit the "dark place" again.

The two worst things I've been told about depression is that 1) I must "like" being miserable because I am miserable so often; or 2) that it's a "selfish" disease because you are only worried about your own feelings. Let me address these one by one:

1 - Nobody enjoys depression, even the people that have it so bad they hurt themselves, HATE feeling that way. I have never talked to any person that actually likes feeling that way. It's horrible, and when the people closest to you don't understand it, it's even worse. The one thing you want (happiness) seems so simple to obtain, and yet impossible to hold onto. No, I do not enjoy being depressed, or miserable. I hate the type of attention it gets me. I believe we all go through trials for a reason, and one of those reasons is to help others who may have the same trial later in life. So, I try not to tell people about my depression, unless I know they "need" to hear it or I think they might understand. DEPRESSION SUCKS, and NO I don't like it.

2- I can see how somebody who has never dealt with depression would think it's selfish. Especially somebody who may have suffered the loss of a loved one due to depression (suicide). Depression makes absolutely NO sense. Ever. That's it. The person suffering CANNOT think clearly and therefore it's impossible for them to understand how the things they are feeling/suffering could affect anybody else. Let me also say that I have prayed countless times for the strength to overcome my depression, to just "be myself" and not be so shy. I hate that my depression makes me so self-conscious. Sometimes I just beat myself up for not doing things that I want to do, because I'm too depressed to really try. I know it's "selfish" sounding, and that makes me want to cry, because the last way I want to be remembered is "selfish".

I look forward to the day when my body (and mind) are whole and perfect. Until then, I am thankful for loved ones to help me through the dark times. I am blessed to have a knowledge of the gospel in my life because I know that one day, I will not have this problem, and that my Father in Heaven sees me for who I really am.