You're OLD

My dad's mom passed away when he was 14. His dad remarried after my parents were married. The only living grandparent I have is the woman he married. She is crazy, seriously, and takes pictures like you wouldn't believe. This week, she turned 90 and we were fortunate enough to attend the celebration. I have not always claimed her as a grandma, since we're not actually blood relatives, but I've tried to keep her informed about major events in our family. I used to write her letters in high school, and we visited her in St George a few times. The celebration was fun, even though I was in the minority being from "Lyman's side of the family." Nobody knew who I was, but it was fun to meet some extended family I didn't know of before.

As we were getting ready for cake and ice cream, Nathanael (6) walked up to Cuella and said "YOU'RE OLD!" everybody laughed. She smiled and said "I SURE AM!" I was dying to get a picture of this:

All my kids with their only great-grandparent. The four younger ones have never met her, and Karleah doesn't remember meeting her because she was tiny.

We had a cousin take this one:

And here are a few others from that day:

isn't that sweet? She can barely see, but she just wanted to hold my baby SO much. Faith wasn't so sure about grandma though!!

Carson & Vanessa LOVED the chocolate fountain.

this is my beautiful Mommy and my sweet Faithy

I thought I had a pic of the cake, but I can't seem to find it. So, that's all for now. Happy 90th birthday Grandma Cuella! We love you in all your craziness.

Faithy!

Like you didn't know this was coming..... lol. I already blogged about the way my little angel came into our lives. I doubted that I was deserving of my first four, and felt that they would be better off without me. I was in deep depression and darkness, and Heavenly Father knew that the only way to pull me out of that was to send me another angel.

She is definitely hitting that "terrible two" stage. She loves to throw things, especially things that make a mess. Today, she spread blueberry yogurt all over the couch and carpet. Of course she knew I was answering the door so I couldn't stop her. She loves to pout when I tell her "no" and it's so adorable :) she puts her head on her folded arms and will not look up until she is "over it".

Sweet little baby of mine, she is a daily reminder that Heavenly Father knows us all individually and knows how best to help us in times of trial.

She is so delayed at learning things, and I am always afraid people will judge my parenting because she is so "slow". I also fear people will say she's not "normal" and I want everybody to see the beauty that is in her. She is so sweet. Aaron will squat down, stretch out his arms and say "hug? Hug?" and she will come running to him, even if she is trying to run away because she is in trouble.

Her laugh can entertain the entire family. Carson & Vanessa are always so proud when they can make her smile or laugh. I don't know how I ever thought my life was complete until this little bundle of joy joined our family. I love when the other kids introduce her, and nobody understands her name because they say "fay-fee"... they haven't mastered the "th" sound and we all say "Faithy". I guess it's hard to have a one-syllable name in the family lol. Faith IS faith. She reminds me that with faith, anything is possible.

Nathanael means "Gift from God"

When we were trying to get pregnant after Karleah, Aaron was really hoping for a boy. From the day we decided to have another one, I felt that we would have a boy next. There were times that I doubted we'd ever have another child at all, but I knew that IF it ever happened, we would have a boy. Aaron chose the name Nathaniel (he actually wanted identical twin boys, Nathaniel and Daniel..... I wasn't interested in the twins or the names!) I wasn't sold on the name, but about a year before I conceived, when we were still running test after test after test, I was looking in a baby name book that had meanings. I looked up Nathaniel, convinced it would be a horrible meaning and I could talk Aaron out of it. It means "Gift from God" and I knew that if we were to ever be blessed with another child, it WOULD be a gift from God. Nobody else can provide a miracle like that.

When we finally got pregnant, and confirmed we would be having a boy, I told Aaron I wanted to spell it with an AEL instead of IEL. It's the biblical spelling, but apparently most people only look at the first few and last few letters because very few people realize that it's spelled "different" or that the bible has it that way. Nathanael was one of the followers of Christ, and he truly was a gift in our lives. He was a HARD baby, and a difficult toddler (yeah, they all are, I know!), but has always been SO tender-hearted. He used to tell me "I'm your little sweetheart, because I'm so sweet."

He loves to tell me about his day. He tells everybody he loves them, and he remembers every primary and nursery teacher. He talks about his lessons, and the other kids in his classes, the things he hears going on in the playground. People told me that girls are like this, but Karleah never wants to share details of her day with me. Nathanael won't stop from the moment I pick him up. He has girls chasing after him, and he loves them all. He memorized the phone number of a little girl, but still doesn't know his own.

He is very far advanced in his class, and I'm one proud mama. I love volunteering in his class, he knows that he is special to me, and he loves to brag to his friends because I'm the only volunteer in his class. Every day, I try to remind myself what a gift my kids are. My Nathanael never fails to remind me, his sweet freckles across the cheeks, his kind smile, and his amazing hugs always help.

Carson.... the challenge

I love my four-year-old tasmanian devil. He is a terror, he destroys things, colors on things, throws things, has the longest-lasting temper tantrums, and he is the only one that most of our "typical" parenting styles have not worked on.

I remember when we had one child, or two, and thought we knew what we were doing. I remember thinking that other parents were doing things all wrong, and that I could show them how to do things. Then, we had the twins. Vanessa was a hard baby, and Carson was so easy next to her. But that quickly changed. Carson will not do things the way the other kids will. He runs away, not just when he's in trouble, just to see if I'll chase him. He got lost at Sam's Club the other day, and got in the middle of a stranger's birthday party at the park. He refused to potty train the way my first three did. He will not learn things unless he wants to. When people try to give me advice, I always want to say "spend a couple of days with him, and you will understand why that doesn't work." It's not for lack of trying! My methods have worked pretty well for the other four kids!

But Carson is SO tender sometimes. When he knows I'm sad, he will sit with me until he thinks I'm OK. It's such a turn-around from his temper tantrums. I don't know how any child that size can scream so loud and so long. He is completely inconsolable at times, and other times he just gives you that smile, and you can't help but melt. (No, that doesn't mean he gets his way when he smiles)

People always tell me how cute Carson is. Like they don't even see my other four GORGEOUS kids. He has the big, beautiful brown eyes, the blond hair, the fair skin, straight teeth, and sweet,shining smile. When he is acting up, I hear strangers at the store say "but he's SO cute!" and it makes me mad sometimes, LOL. He IS adorable, and he thinks he can get away with things because everybody tells him so.

He tests my patience on so many levels. Right now, he loves to say "I HATE YOU MOMMY!" and he will say it repeatedly until I respond. I'm trying to just say "I know you're upset, but Mommy loves you." but that really doesn't work, he will keep going and going. I ignore it, and try again. Eventually he will just stop. I'm sure he is testing his boundaries, but it's so hard to enforce things when both parents work. I just pray I'm not screwing him up! I love my little Carson.

Karleah, my first Blessing

I was telling Karleah recently that she is our "guinea pig" because we had NO idea what we were getting ourselves in to when she was born. She taught us about being parents, and we know she has had a hard time with it. She is expected to grow up too fast. It's sad when I look at her, and realize how little I managed to teach her about the gospel in the years leading up to her baptism. I never read scriptures, or taught her any responsibilities. I changed her clothes and diapers in the living room, and she still likes to get dressed wherever she can, without thinking about who may see her.

I let her stay up late, and eat junk food all the time. I disciplined her far too harshly, but failed to actually teach her to do things.

Yet somehow, this lovely child has still turned out to be kind, respectful, caring, and spiritual. She has taught me much more than I have taught her. She is the one that wanted to teach the other kids the Articles of Faith. She reminds us to have family prayer, and read scriptures together. She has set an example for non-member friends by telling them to pray about struggles.

This past week, our neighbor's daughter passed away. This family is a pillar of the community, SO many people love them all. It was truly heart-breaking. They were one of the first people we got to know when we moved here. Well, I took Karleah aside and told her that they were sad, and I know they loved her, and maybe she could just go say "hi" or give them a hug. She didn't think that was enough. My sweet little girl got out a pencil and paper, and wrote a letter. She shared a brief testimony that she knows they will see their sweet daughter again, and told that she has had experience losing loved ones. She made a box with "negative points" (tally marks) and told Glenn to work on moving the points to the "postive" box. She told him the ways he could get rid of negative and bring the positive back.

I cried when she let me read it. Aaron cried too. She is MY daughter. I can't take any credit for it, because I really haven't taught her a lot. She will play so sweetly with the other 4 kids. It's hard to be so much older, when the other kids are all so close in age. But she is amazing, and I know she will be an incredible mother some day. I am SO blessed to call her MINE.

Vanessaisms

Vanessa is hilarious. I don't know where she gets it from, but definitely not me. I don't see Aaron being that way as a child, but I obviously wasn't there so who knows. I could have an entire blog based on the funny things she says. Here are a few that come to mind:

She loves to sing the last word of a sentence, it sounds like the "word girl" phrases. The other day, it was "let's paint my na-ai-il-s!" yesterday, it was "I want to wear my sw-ea-t-e-r!" It was so funny I kept making her say it again. She not only sings, but she does this little dance and shakes her butt while she moves her hands. Adorable.

She watched a Yo Gabba Gabba episode about healthy eating, and is always talking about "a party in my tummy". She asks all of us in the family if we are having a party in our tummy when we eat. Then, she asked me if Jesus has a party in his tummy. I was tempted to just say "no, he doesn't eat where he is" but decided to ask what she thinks. She said "I think that tonight, when I am sad, and crying, I will ask Jesus to come and help me, and then I will ask him if He has a party in his tummy."

She asks me why people call her "Nessa" and I said "it's your name." She said "oh..... yeah...." then a couple hours later asked why some people call her "Vanessa" and I said "that's your full first name, Nessa is like a nick name." She said "oh..... yeah...." lol.

She loves to tell me stories about "when she was a little girl".

She is ALL girl (definitely not something she got from her parents) and loves to wear pretty dresses, if she finds one that is 2 sizes too big, she will scream about it until she is allowed to wear it, with her "boobies" showing. She loves anything purple or pink, and sparkles are to DIE for. She wants her ears pierced, and she loves dressing up as a princess.

She asks her daddy to be her prince so she can be a princess.

She tells me that she is rude, then waits for me to validate her and say "you are not rude. What you did was rude. You are a sweetheart"

She is afraid people hate her, but is not afraid to talk to them and be herself. She went through a phase where she was convinced the princesses on her bed sheets hated her for sleeping on them. She slept on the floor because she was certain they would hurt her. She frequently asks "do you like me?" or says "nobody likes me, huh?" and of course, we all rush in and say "everybody LOVES you!"

She will talk to ANYBODY about the things she finds important. She has a scrape on her knee, she loves to suck her thumb, she twirls her hair, she got stitches when she "tried to run through a wall", she has a "brown tooth" (it's actually turning grey because when she fell she hit the tooth), she had yucky poop that got all over the bathroom, and her clothes (I'm leaving out the details she thinks she needs to share)... She tells everybody her name, and the other day somebody in the ward said "I know your name. Everybody knows your name!" It was so funny, I realize she is definitely my most outgoing child!

Look forward to more Vanessaisms, as I remember to post them! I love being her mommy.

New Theme

I'm trying to have a new "theme" here on my blog. My life is beautiful, my kids amaze me every day, and I'm working things out with my husband. Sure, we have lots of valleys and hills, many bumps, but that's what relationships are. Most importanly, I have the truth of the gospel, a knowledge of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Without that, I would truly be lost..... in more ways than I could explain here.

I was tempted to remove several of my "personal" entries, maybe move them to a different blog, but I decided that was pointless since most anybody who cares has already read it, and it's part of who I am anyway. I could never handle all of it alone, but as my SIL used to say, we were never meant to do it alone. That is why I have been sent some amazing people to help me through. Some of those people have been treated poorly when I was at my lowest, and yet patiently stood back and waited for the darkness to clear from my mind.

I decided to spend more time on spiritual things. It has made a difference, slowly but surely. I have been reading the conference talks on my phone while I wait in the school parking lots, or if I get to work early enough. It's been so good for me to have that small spiritual uplift. I am surprised how much I needed it, and didn't even know.

I'm trying to stay focused on the best things in my life. 1) faith (not my daughter LOL my religion) 2) family 3) fun.

1) I try very hard to live my religion, and although I've never "strayed", I have struggled to find my path in life, and had some incredible experiences that I've never shared with anybody. I don't want to preach, and try to convert my "inactive" or "non-member" friends and family, but it is extremely important to me and I will not hide that, or try to avoid offending somebody. I'm rarely a good example, but I am trying. Thanks to examples of others, the conference talks, the scriptures, and my calling as a teacher to the 8-9 year olds, I am slowly getting some good through my thick skull :) I've been in primary for a LONG LONG time and sometimes I feel so burned out. But I decided that I must still be there because I'm not learning whatever I'm supposed to. My team teacher is helping me out there......

2) My kids mean SO much to me. There are days when I get SO discouraged trying to keep up with all the messes they make, and all the things they get into, and the questions they ask, and ask, and ask, and ask, (I'm hoping you get the point, because they never seem to). Sometimes, I sit back and watch them and I think "I brought that child into this world. Heavenly Father thought I was worthy to raise them on this earth. They are miracles." How can anybody see a child, and doubt that there is a God? I remember how much work we put in to just getting them, and try to see them as Heavenly Father does. They are beautiful, and I'm sure I don't always live up to the expectations. They teach me more than I teach them.

3) I find myself frequently praying for strength to be "myself" or at least more outgoing because it is hard for me to have "fun" and I often leave parties or even just work, feeling disappointed that I didn't do or say something I thought of. I am trying to be more "fun" and laid back. It's hard for me, and I'm not sure why.

It's taking me a long time to get to the point..... I tend to go off on tangents (SHOCKING! LOL) But, I plan to post more about the cute things my kids say, the little things that touch my heart, and to be FUN!

I am so blessed to have friends, after all I've done to them and all I've put them through. I'm lucky to have the five amazing, healthy, beautiful kids I have. I'm happy with my life, in all it's craziness.