Not Strong

I've had a few people tell me how strong I am, and how much they admire me for what I'm doing. Why it's so hard to accept things like that is beyond me. Today, I just want to say, I'm NOT strong. Today, I am weak and lonely and discouraged and depressed.

This, too shall pass, I know that. But there are days when I sit down and can't function. There are times when I just can't figure out how I'm going to make it. Moments when I want to scream, and cry, and sleep the day away. When I think of all the things that lie ahead, I am overwhelmed and afraid.

Yesterday, I took a nap with the twins. We fell asleep together for about 2 hours (Faith was napping, too just in a different room) I felt like the worst person in the world for letting myself rest, when there is so much to do around the house. I don't care that my body may have needed it, my HOUSE needed me, too!

I don't post this for pity, or for others to say "poor Amberleah". I post this so everybody will know I am just as "human" as YOU are. I have horrible days, I have great days. Most of the time, I realize that whatever I am going through, is for my kids. Be it marker on the walls, stress at work, struggling to keep up with housework, the washing machine breaking on me, more coloring on the walls, kids spilling one thing after another, daily drama of 5 kids, crayon on the walls, stupid mean horrible customers, temper tantrums, stained carpet, I survive one moment at a time for them.

I know that women, especially LDS women, tend to compare themselves to all their friends. I am definitely guilty of this. I look at women and wish I were as pretty, as caring, as outgoing, as talented, as crafty, etc. etc. It's so hard not to do this.

I know this will pass, but I just want the world (OK, the few followers on my blog) to know that I am NOT as strong as I appear. Today, I just want to mope around, cry, and eat junk food until I puke. But, I won't because I know tomorrow is a new day, and that (hopefully) somebody, somewhere, admires me as much as I admire the women around me. Today, I give in to the misery and depression that is "divorce" and wait for the sun to rise on a new day.

Vanessa is ALWAYS right

Today, Vanessa started calling Faith "Rebecca" so I corrected her. I should say "tried" to correct her because she said "Her first name is Faith, but her middle name is Rebecca."

I again tried to correct her "no, her middle name is Elizabeth" and was told "but Rebecca is prettier you should have named her Rebecca."

I told Vanessa that we needed to call her by the name she was given, or she would get really confused. Vanessa said "Fine, you can call her Faithy, I will call her Rebecca."

Faith has been called Rebecca since that conversation. Poor Faith!!

Perfect

The past week has been especially hard for some reason. It seemed one thing after another just kept piling on to me. I felt overwhelmed with the divorce process, the house, the kids, three-days-a-week doctor (chiropractor) visits, and the daily emotions of my kids that are still really struggling with everything going on.

Friday, it all came crashing down when one child said they hated me and, and another told me I was lazy. I had already been struggling with my self-worth and wondering about some of the decisions I had made about work, the kids, the house, etc. etc. etc. I realize they have no idea what they're saying, and that they, too, are struggling with impossible-to-understand emotions.

As I sat there, trying to sort it all out without crying or screaming, I got a phone call from an amazing friend. We rarely actually "talk" on the phone, it's usually all over text or e-mail. We had already been texting, and I was surprised she would call because I thought the "coversation" was already done. As we talked, I tried to avoid the subjects I was struggling with, but I'm no good at that. She asked if I had been doing my "homework" exercises and icing my back. I told her it was too hard to keep up with it all, and everything just started pouring out. Although she had other plans, she said "I think I'm coming over. I'll see you soon."

Well, Cameo has seen me at my worst and still comes around, so I guess she is not going to give up on me because I'm having a bad day and I'm overly emotional (again!). She showed up, and gave me some of the most profound and yet simple statements. They made all the difference in the world! Things I already knew, have heard and read thousands of times in my life, but were desperately needed to be brought to light again. Cameo reminded me that

• Satan knows our strengths and weaknesses. He knows how to get to us, and when. He knows when we are headed in the right direction, and will do whatever he can to stop it. (THANK GOODNESS Cameo wasn't being swayed at the same time!)
• God doesn't give us challenges that are too hard for us to handle.

I have heard this all my life, have known it, have shared personal testimony of the same thing! But we forget so quickly when things are difficult. Cameo's words lifted me, her hug strengthened me, and the spirit filled me again. Because of her love and her willingness to help me, because she listened to a very weak prompting to call instead of text, I was able to have a very meaningful night with my kids, and when conferecne began this morning, I was able to hang on every word without anger, hurt, or fear. I got SO much out of the 4 hours today, mainly because of the help given to me the night before.

I KNOW that God lives, that Jesus is the Christ, and that the scriptures are true! I love the gospel, and it's simplicity, I am so grateful for good friends (I have been blessed with SO many!). I am striving to live without regrets, and every time I look into my kids' faces I am filled with strength to move on, no matter how hard things have been. Thank you, Heavenly Father. The plan is perfect, the gospel is perfect, and because of Christ I will one day be made perfect, too.