I've had a few people tell me how strong I am, and how much they admire me for what I'm doing. Why it's so hard to accept things like that is beyond me. Today, I just want to say, I'm NOT strong. Today, I am weak and lonely and discouraged and depressed.
This, too shall pass, I know that. But there are days when I sit down and can't function. There are times when I just can't figure out how I'm going to make it. Moments when I want to scream, and cry, and sleep the day away. When I think of all the things that lie ahead, I am overwhelmed and afraid.
Yesterday, I took a nap with the twins. We fell asleep together for about 2 hours (Faith was napping, too just in a different room) I felt like the worst person in the world for letting myself rest, when there is so much to do around the house. I don't care that my body may have needed it, my HOUSE needed me, too!
I don't post this for pity, or for others to say "poor Amberleah". I post this so everybody will know I am just as "human" as YOU are. I have horrible days, I have great days. Most of the time, I realize that whatever I am going through, is for my kids. Be it marker on the walls, stress at work, struggling to keep up with housework, the washing machine breaking on me, more coloring on the walls, kids spilling one thing after another, daily drama of 5 kids, crayon on the walls, stupid mean horrible customers, temper tantrums, stained carpet, I survive one moment at a time for them.
I know that women, especially LDS women, tend to compare themselves to all their friends. I am definitely guilty of this. I look at women and wish I were as pretty, as caring, as outgoing, as talented, as crafty, etc. etc. It's so hard not to do this.
I know this will pass, but I just want the world (OK, the few followers on my blog) to know that I am NOT as strong as I appear. Today, I just want to mope around, cry, and eat junk food until I puke. But, I won't because I know tomorrow is a new day, and that (hopefully) somebody, somewhere, admires me as much as I admire the women around me. Today, I give in to the misery and depression that is "divorce" and wait for the sun to rise on a new day.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but you are probably stronger than you think. And it's not weak to nap with your kids. I say, Good for you!! They grow up too fast. You can have a clean house when they are grown. :) Keep on keeping on!
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. I have days when I feel weak and overwhelmed and depressed too. It doesn't feel good at all. I too, feel like I don't measure up sometimes. But I know Heavenly Father loves me and knows my needs and weaknesses and he can make them strong. He loves you too. And so do I. Keep your chin up except when you're praying and know that you can call on any one of us if you need us in any way.
ReplyDeleteCleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorow,
ReplyDeleteFor babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep,
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
Tamra, I love you. I miss you. You are always saying the right things! Thanks.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, thank you, too.
And I'm pretty sure my mom is logged in to my email, and she commented because I KNOW I didn't type that.... hahaha
OK lets try this again. I LOVE reading your blog for many reasons 1 is that even though you don't see it you are strong even though you don't think so. The strong women rarely see themselves as strong and only see their weaknesses. Those around them see their strength and remind them of it. 2. You are extremely brave and honest. I really admire that you admit your struggles and when you are feeling weak. That alone makes you strong! 3. I love that you have such strong faith and such a strong testimony and you are not afraid to share it. I thank you for that :) Keep blogging lady, I love it! Miss ya!
ReplyDelete