Well, Aaron has gone a few days without really sleeping now. We've had several very long talks. I've lost sleep, too, because we've stayed up very late talking things through. I'm still torn about how much I can share on my blog, but I have to get it all out so here comes my "edited" version.
Friday morning, I was on the phone with a customer, and Aaron called me. I couldn't answer (obviously) and this customer really liked to talk. A few minutes later, I'm still on the phone with this lady, and my phone rings again, this time a different number from Aaron's work. Weird. By the time the lady stopped talking my ears off, I had forgotten he called. I got a few more things done, then finally got around to looking at my phone. I realized I had a voice mail. I dialed in, expecting to hear a message from Aaron. It wasn't him. It was his plant manager, Ed, letting me know that Aaron had been having severe anxiety attacks at work, then started to threaten suicide (he's been threatening this more and more lately). So they were taking him to the ER. I work about 35 miles from home, and I had already waited a while to even listen to the message. My heart started racing, I was shaking all over, my mouth was dry. I thought I might pass out. I sent a text to two co-workers so they wouldn't wonder why I was gone. I went in the bathroom and tried to calm down. Took some of my anti-anxiety pills and finally calmed myself down enough to drive to the hospital.
When I got there, my phone rang. Aaron told me to hurry because he wouldn't be allowed visitors after 1:00 (it was about noon) I told him "I'm here, I'll be there in just a second." I saw his mom and thought "oh, good. I don't have to be alone!" Once I finished all the paperwork and confirmed our information, I finally got to see him. He seemed almost HAPPY that all this had happened. Like he was enjoying the attention. (I have no room to judge this, because I have been accused of acting the same way about my own depression. It just surprised me to see the joy he seemed to be feeling) I didn't get a chance to talk to the plant manager so I only heard Aaron's version of events and what little his mom had heard from the manager.
Aaron had started shaking uncontrollably, he told me at one point he was on top of a truck to get samples for the lab and started shaking violently, his chest was hurting, and he decided to just give up "this is the end" and he undid the harness, and was ready to just "fall" to his death. A truck driver came in and Aaron "chickened out" but started telling people that he wanted to kill himself. He ran in to the supervisor's office area and sat down on the floor, shaking, crying, and saying he was going to kill himself. The manager got involved, the health and safety department got involved. Somebody called our family doctor and was told to get Aaron to the ER immediately.
I didn't realize Aaron had told his mom and brother about my ED. I knew he needed somebody to talk to, so it didn't bother me, I just didn't realize WHO he had told. We were sitting there and Aaron kept saying he was hungry (my tummy was grumbling quite loudly too). They finally brought him some lunch (long after the time he was told he couldn't have visitors) and he looked over to me and said "will you have a few bites with me?" Eating disorder or not, I didn't want his food. He was only given the small portions the hospitals provide, and he wasn't going to eat again until dinner. I, on the other hand, could leave the hospital once he was officially admitted (and not allowed visitors) and get anything to eat. He started sobbing and his mom said "can't you just give him THAT?" He accused me of pushing him away, and I tried to explain the fact that I was going to get something to eat when I left, and he needed it because he was hungry and wouldn't get to eat again until much later. He said that I didn't care about him, and I said "I do care! That's why I want you to eat what little food there is on that plate." His mom, with anger I've never before seen, turned to me and said "If you cared at all for him, you'd eat his lunch with him!" She told us both to 'grow up' because we have five young children to take care of. She told Aaron that she would get him the phone number to a cousin that lost a wife to an eating disorder. Somebody that understands "what it's like to live with somebody like Amber..."
Well, I gave in and even though I hadn't thought at all about starving myself or purging since I got the call from Aaron's work, I was really struggling. I had to stay strong, couldn't cry in front of Aaron and his mom. I ate several bites, what I thought was sufficient for me and still left some for him. He kept forcing me to eat more, and I was DYING inside. It was SO HARD for me, and he had no idea what he was doing to me. I know I was there for HIS problem and I was trying to ignore all the voices in my head about the food I was taking in. He looked at me and said "this better stay in your stomach." I was so hurt by that. I realize that I've betrayed him, hurt him, that I don't deserve trust, but he things I'm not going to keep a promise made to my best friend? It hurt so deeply. To have him and his mother gang up on me.....I thought I was going to crack.
After three hours of waiting to hear something from ANYBODY there, I was worried I might miss my appointment with my psychiatrist (I REALLY needed it that day!!!) So I went and found a nurse. She told me they were waiting for a room. I said it was kind of important that I get some information because I had to leave. She promised he'd have a room in 15 minutes. I couldn't wait that long, and again asked for details on how I could see him, or hear about his treatment. She took my phone number and promised me a call as soon as he was admitted.
I went to my appointment, and I will get in to that in another entry. My poor babysitter had been with the kids for nearly 12 hours. I asked my dad if he or my mom could relieve her. When I pulled in my driveway, I was so relieved to see my mom's car. We talked for a while before she had to leave.
I finally heard back from the hospital, about 3 1/2 hours after they said they'd call. He will be in the hospital all weekend, and there are very limited visitor's hours. No visitors under the age of 14, and you have to have a "code" to get in at all. I can't help but feel this is all my fault. He "lost it" because of all I've put him through. His mom only solidified that belief. I had a nurse hug me and tell me that it's always hard on everybody involved. Another nurse asked if I had a support system at home for ME. Well, I have a lot of help, but it's my own fault all this happened so I don't feel I should be entitled to that. I am so lonely and depressed right now. I don't know what to tell my kids, I don't want to tell anybody what has happened because I don't want judgement. It is going to be a very long road. I don't know where things will go from here.
Showing posts with label Aaron. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Aaron. Show all posts
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Monday, October 10, 2011
Fears
Friday October 7, I was going to take my friend out to dinner for her birthday. Aaron had previously said it would be OK (though he wasn't happy about it) and then, as I was leaving, he changed his mind. He said something along the lines of "if you leave, it will end our marriage." I took off my shoes, and stayed home.
The next morning, Aaron called me from work. He said that he realized he had screwed up, he felt horrible about it, and if I didn't go out that night to make up for it, he would kill himself. He told me he had already tried. Aaron hasn't been depressed enough to hurt himself for about 12 years. I was scared. Didn't know if I should call 9-1-1 and send somebody to his work, or just ignore his threats. I have been there, and I know that it's a cry for help, but I did not know how bad this cry was. Did he just need understanding, a listening ear? Or did he need medical attention? I decided to just wait for him to come home and decide from there.
I took my friend to lunch before Aaron got home, since we had plans with my siblings and parents that night. (They just moved in to a new home, and the yard was atrocious) When Aaron got home, we went to help pull weeds and make the yard more presentable. Aaron was his 'old self' that night. He was joking around with my family, was the first one to start working, and the last one to stop. It was actually very good for both of us, we enjoyed the work and the company.
When everybody else had left, I was still getting the kids into their pajamas, and Aaron said his stomach was hurting. I said that he was probably giving himself an ulcer or something, and my mom immediately went to Aaron's side. He started crying and told her about the previous two days (he DID, in fact hurt himself at work, 3 cuts on his upper arm). My mom was awesome, she just listened and helped him in a way that I didn't seem able to. My mom has always been an amazing listener, and she understands people. It was exactly what he needed. I don't think Aaron was 100% sure why he was so upset about me taking a friend out, but the fact that my mom cared helped him immensely. After awhile, my mom said "Aaron, do you need a priesthood blessing?" he nearly smiled. I knew that it was exactly what he needed.
My dad gave Aaron an amazing blessing, which he wrote about in his journal. The spirit was very strong and Aaron received some answers that he had been searching for. It really lifted his spirit, I could see a glimmer of light in his eyes again. When we got home, we talked while he recorded the blessings in his journal. We talked about the things that had been bothering him, and went to sleep holding each other, happy.
Sunday morning, when I woke up Aaron was not in bed. For a moment, I thought maybe he had gotten up early to make breakfast in bed. I couldn't hear anything/anyone in the kitchen. I saw Karleah in the living room and asked her where her dad was. She didn't know. I sent her downstairs to check, while I went in the kitchen to see if he was there. Karleah came up and said "he's asleep on the couch down there, and he won't wake up." Aaron hadn't been sleeping well, and had had several headaches so I figured he just needed his rest. While I was fixing breakfast, Karleah came in the kitchen and whispered "Mom, Dad's on the stairs, crying." I started walking towards the stairs, and Aaron must have gotten up at the same time because we nearly bumped into each other. He had red eyes, like he had been crying for a long time. I asked "what's wrong?" His responses left me dumbfounded:
"You don't remember last night?"
"What do you mean? Weeding at my parents'?"
"What you said to me. The things you said. Can I just have a few minutes with the kids before I leave?"
"Leave? Why? What do you mean, leave? What are you talking about?"
"You told me you hated me, and that I had to leave. You said I'd never see the kids again. That you would be filing for divorce on Monday. Can I please just have a few minutes with them? Since I'll never see them again?" He was really crying now. I was confused. Was I remembering wrong, or was he?
"Aaron? That didn't happen."
"You said you hated me, that things weren't working out. That you were going to end everything and I'd never see the kids again."
"Aaron, I didn't say those things." As I was talking, I tried to get close to him, touch him, anything to provide comfort. He just kept backing away and shaking his head. He was afraid of me, and I couldn't convince him that this "fight" had NOT happened.
He let the kids get close, but would not allow me near him. Still crying, and insisting that I had kicked him out.
I kept my distance, but tried to use some logic. "Aaron, remember going to my parent's new house?"
"Yes."
"We pulled weeds, with my siblings and then stayed later than everybody else."
"Yeah."
"When everybody was gone, you told my mom how you felt, and she hugged you. She asked if you needed a blessing."
"I think I remember that."
"My dad gave you a blessing."
"OK....I think that sounds familiar"
"When we got home, you wrote about it in your journal. We talked until 1am and held each other."
"I don't remember that. I remember you got mad, you were screaming."
"Aaron, that part didn't happen. Can I get your journal? So you can read what you wrote about last night?"
"I don't remember going downstairs. I remember getting in the car, and I left."
"Aaron, you're still here, at the house. The car is here, too. If you left, how could you still be here?" He was still confused ,but it was like a light came on because he realized that part of it wasn't true. If that part hadn't happened, maybe the rest hadn't happened either.
He was really sobbing now, but he was letting me get close. I pulled him close, put his head on my shoulder. "I don't know, but you were so mad. You kicked me out."
"No, we fell asleep in each others arms. Happy."
He finally seemed to be coming 'back' I could see it as he slowly started to remember the way things had REALLY happened.
Eventually, we got all the kids ready for church and actually made it there on time. During the closing hymn, Aaron started shaking, (mild, but uncontrollable) and stopped singing. I took the hymnbook out of his hand after the song, and his hand stayed in the same position. After a few seconds, he put his hand down, looked at me and said "I forgot how to talk for a minute." I was lost for words, yet I had SO many questions. Had he just had a small seizure? Did we have to worry about the epilepsy again? Was it just a fluke because he had been so stressed and depressed? How could I know if it was epilepsy or depression? Which doctor should I call? How urgent was it?
The next morning, I called Aaron's neurologist and asked if the weekend's incidents could be from the seizure medication. They called me back and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. We got nowhere with the neurologist. He said the "episodes" were not seizure related, nightmares and sleep walking are not associated with epilepsy or Dilantin; and it was probably something else. He was in such a hurry, he didn't even try to hear the whole story. The only thing he said was that "maybe" the incident in church was a "small seizure". We got no answers. He didn't have time for us, and it was frustrating. No, it was aggravating!
The primary care doctor just keeps giving Aaron different prescriptions trying to help with the depression/anxiety, and the neurologist says it's "not related to epilepsy". Aaron went on anti-depressants because of severe mood swings, and the neurologist claims the anti-depressants are causing the mood swings. I feel like we're stuck in a vicious circle and can't get the answers. Aaron is talking to a counselor again, but right now I am confused, worried, frustrated. I don't know what to expect.
Aaron's best friend growing up was his twin brother. They were practically inseparable until they went on their missions. His twin married a woman that wouldn't allow them to be in touch with each other. She was very controlling and manipulative, Eric wasn't allowed to call his family, or socialize with anybody. They moved to Alaska which made things even harder. He still had the rest of his family, and we visited them almost every week. He joined a mens golf league and went golfing every Tuesday with his dad. When Karleah started school, and we started having more kids, that got hard to do. He tried ,but wasn't able to go as often. Then, his dad died.
Now, it's not like Aaron was just sitting around dwelling on these things. I don't think he even realized he felt abandoned. But, because his two best friends weren't around, and I still had friends (which he'd never had, because he had his twin) and I still had the opportunity to do things occasionally, he was jealous. He is afraid that I will find something, or someone "better", or that I won't come back (like Eric & his dad). He is just now putting this together, and Eric moved to Alaska over 10 years ago, and his dad died over 2 years ago. Slowly he has watched me gain other relationships, and he hasn't had the same opportunities.
I think everybody does this sometimes. I know I have!! Sometimes we don't even realize how we feel about things, until something triggers a reaction and then as we sort through the situation, we start putting things together. Aaron doesn't want to be controlling, he wants me to have friends. But he has lost loved ones before, and then came close to losing me and the kids. It's not abuse, it's not selfishness, it's FEAR, a real fear that makes perfect sense.
The next morning, Aaron called me from work. He said that he realized he had screwed up, he felt horrible about it, and if I didn't go out that night to make up for it, he would kill himself. He told me he had already tried. Aaron hasn't been depressed enough to hurt himself for about 12 years. I was scared. Didn't know if I should call 9-1-1 and send somebody to his work, or just ignore his threats. I have been there, and I know that it's a cry for help, but I did not know how bad this cry was. Did he just need understanding, a listening ear? Or did he need medical attention? I decided to just wait for him to come home and decide from there.
I took my friend to lunch before Aaron got home, since we had plans with my siblings and parents that night. (They just moved in to a new home, and the yard was atrocious) When Aaron got home, we went to help pull weeds and make the yard more presentable. Aaron was his 'old self' that night. He was joking around with my family, was the first one to start working, and the last one to stop. It was actually very good for both of us, we enjoyed the work and the company.
When everybody else had left, I was still getting the kids into their pajamas, and Aaron said his stomach was hurting. I said that he was probably giving himself an ulcer or something, and my mom immediately went to Aaron's side. He started crying and told her about the previous two days (he DID, in fact hurt himself at work, 3 cuts on his upper arm). My mom was awesome, she just listened and helped him in a way that I didn't seem able to. My mom has always been an amazing listener, and she understands people. It was exactly what he needed. I don't think Aaron was 100% sure why he was so upset about me taking a friend out, but the fact that my mom cared helped him immensely. After awhile, my mom said "Aaron, do you need a priesthood blessing?" he nearly smiled. I knew that it was exactly what he needed.
My dad gave Aaron an amazing blessing, which he wrote about in his journal. The spirit was very strong and Aaron received some answers that he had been searching for. It really lifted his spirit, I could see a glimmer of light in his eyes again. When we got home, we talked while he recorded the blessings in his journal. We talked about the things that had been bothering him, and went to sleep holding each other, happy.
Sunday morning, when I woke up Aaron was not in bed. For a moment, I thought maybe he had gotten up early to make breakfast in bed. I couldn't hear anything/anyone in the kitchen. I saw Karleah in the living room and asked her where her dad was. She didn't know. I sent her downstairs to check, while I went in the kitchen to see if he was there. Karleah came up and said "he's asleep on the couch down there, and he won't wake up." Aaron hadn't been sleeping well, and had had several headaches so I figured he just needed his rest. While I was fixing breakfast, Karleah came in the kitchen and whispered "Mom, Dad's on the stairs, crying." I started walking towards the stairs, and Aaron must have gotten up at the same time because we nearly bumped into each other. He had red eyes, like he had been crying for a long time. I asked "what's wrong?" His responses left me dumbfounded:
"You don't remember last night?"
"What do you mean? Weeding at my parents'?"
"What you said to me. The things you said. Can I just have a few minutes with the kids before I leave?"
"Leave? Why? What do you mean, leave? What are you talking about?"
"You told me you hated me, and that I had to leave. You said I'd never see the kids again. That you would be filing for divorce on Monday. Can I please just have a few minutes with them? Since I'll never see them again?" He was really crying now. I was confused. Was I remembering wrong, or was he?
"Aaron? That didn't happen."
"You said you hated me, that things weren't working out. That you were going to end everything and I'd never see the kids again."
"Aaron, I didn't say those things." As I was talking, I tried to get close to him, touch him, anything to provide comfort. He just kept backing away and shaking his head. He was afraid of me, and I couldn't convince him that this "fight" had NOT happened.
He let the kids get close, but would not allow me near him. Still crying, and insisting that I had kicked him out.
I kept my distance, but tried to use some logic. "Aaron, remember going to my parent's new house?"
"Yes."
"We pulled weeds, with my siblings and then stayed later than everybody else."
"Yeah."
"When everybody was gone, you told my mom how you felt, and she hugged you. She asked if you needed a blessing."
"I think I remember that."
"My dad gave you a blessing."
"OK....I think that sounds familiar"
"When we got home, you wrote about it in your journal. We talked until 1am and held each other."
"I don't remember that. I remember you got mad, you were screaming."
"Aaron, that part didn't happen. Can I get your journal? So you can read what you wrote about last night?"
"I don't remember going downstairs. I remember getting in the car, and I left."
"Aaron, you're still here, at the house. The car is here, too. If you left, how could you still be here?" He was still confused ,but it was like a light came on because he realized that part of it wasn't true. If that part hadn't happened, maybe the rest hadn't happened either.
He was really sobbing now, but he was letting me get close. I pulled him close, put his head on my shoulder. "I don't know, but you were so mad. You kicked me out."
"No, we fell asleep in each others arms. Happy."
He finally seemed to be coming 'back' I could see it as he slowly started to remember the way things had REALLY happened.
Eventually, we got all the kids ready for church and actually made it there on time. During the closing hymn, Aaron started shaking, (mild, but uncontrollable) and stopped singing. I took the hymnbook out of his hand after the song, and his hand stayed in the same position. After a few seconds, he put his hand down, looked at me and said "I forgot how to talk for a minute." I was lost for words, yet I had SO many questions. Had he just had a small seizure? Did we have to worry about the epilepsy again? Was it just a fluke because he had been so stressed and depressed? How could I know if it was epilepsy or depression? Which doctor should I call? How urgent was it?
The next morning, I called Aaron's neurologist and asked if the weekend's incidents could be from the seizure medication. They called me back and scheduled an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. We got nowhere with the neurologist. He said the "episodes" were not seizure related, nightmares and sleep walking are not associated with epilepsy or Dilantin; and it was probably something else. He was in such a hurry, he didn't even try to hear the whole story. The only thing he said was that "maybe" the incident in church was a "small seizure". We got no answers. He didn't have time for us, and it was frustrating. No, it was aggravating!
The primary care doctor just keeps giving Aaron different prescriptions trying to help with the depression/anxiety, and the neurologist says it's "not related to epilepsy". Aaron went on anti-depressants because of severe mood swings, and the neurologist claims the anti-depressants are causing the mood swings. I feel like we're stuck in a vicious circle and can't get the answers. Aaron is talking to a counselor again, but right now I am confused, worried, frustrated. I don't know what to expect.
Aaron's best friend growing up was his twin brother. They were practically inseparable until they went on their missions. His twin married a woman that wouldn't allow them to be in touch with each other. She was very controlling and manipulative, Eric wasn't allowed to call his family, or socialize with anybody. They moved to Alaska which made things even harder. He still had the rest of his family, and we visited them almost every week. He joined a mens golf league and went golfing every Tuesday with his dad. When Karleah started school, and we started having more kids, that got hard to do. He tried ,but wasn't able to go as often. Then, his dad died.
Now, it's not like Aaron was just sitting around dwelling on these things. I don't think he even realized he felt abandoned. But, because his two best friends weren't around, and I still had friends (which he'd never had, because he had his twin) and I still had the opportunity to do things occasionally, he was jealous. He is afraid that I will find something, or someone "better", or that I won't come back (like Eric & his dad). He is just now putting this together, and Eric moved to Alaska over 10 years ago, and his dad died over 2 years ago. Slowly he has watched me gain other relationships, and he hasn't had the same opportunities.
I think everybody does this sometimes. I know I have!! Sometimes we don't even realize how we feel about things, until something triggers a reaction and then as we sort through the situation, we start putting things together. Aaron doesn't want to be controlling, he wants me to have friends. But he has lost loved ones before, and then came close to losing me and the kids. It's not abuse, it's not selfishness, it's FEAR, a real fear that makes perfect sense.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Finding my Place Again
Wednesday afternoon, I got home from work feeling really sad. I couldn't put my finger on it. I was frustrated that I was sad, when there is so much good in my life. Aaron has made the most miraculous changes, we're having FHE, praying as a family, enjoying fun times together (even on the "normal" days) and I am getting the things I've always wanted from my husband.
Aaron kept asking what was bothering me, but I wasn't sure what was gettig to me so bad. I was 'just depressed', and I told him to give me space and it would eventully just go away. Well, I had been home several hours and things weren't looking up. I was worried about a friend, I was stressed at work, but it was more than that, and I couldn't figure it out.
I walked in the bedroom to grab a basket of towels that needed folding, and there was my husband. Kneeling down, praying. In the middle of the day. I was in shock, but also angry at first (sad, I know!) because I figured he was praying for me. I didn't want to be "prayed for" this was just a "phase" and I knew it was going to pass with time. I didn't want him to worry about me. I sat and folded the towels as he prayed. I thought for sure he'd sense me in there, and get uncomfortable enough to stop praying. Well, he didn't. He just kept on going. When he finally stood up, I asked what he was praying for. Just what I had feared, he said "I was praying for you. I'm worried about you. I want to see you smile again." Part of me was so happy that he was praying at all, and that he was finally noticing my emotions. But another part of me just couldn't let go of the depression.
I laid on the bed and started talking, figuring that eventually I could get the right words out and figure out why I was so upset. Eventually, I was crying and he was holding me and playing with my hair, wiping my tears, and LISTENING. It's amazing what happens when we listen to each other.
I had been praying for years for Aaron to get his anger under control, to talk to a counselor, to learn how to talk to me without making it a fight, for him to start praying again, and that we could work out all the other problems in our marriage. Then, almost overnight, I had ALL those things. It's hard to believe how fast he made the changes, and how quickly the Lord stepped in once Aaron started trying. I was thankful for the changes, but I was also "lost" because Aaron was doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, spending time with the family, and had even stopped watching TV.
I got all the things I had been praying for, but I was suddenly depressed and that made me mad too. I should be thankful, how could I be selfish enough to be depressed? I told Aaron "I've lost my place in the family. I was the strong one, the one that did all the work myself. The one that prayed with the kids, and had family home evenings; tried to bring the spirit into our home. I feel like I lost my identity because YOU do it all now. Everybody that knows the details is praising you, patting you on the back. But I'm just "here" and nobody seems to have noticed all that I have done for the past 10 or so years." I really started hating myself for those emotions. I knew it was stupid, and selfish and a whole lot of other horrible things.
I compared my feelings to post-partum depression. You wait SO long to have that baby, you can't wait to hold him/her and be done with the pregnancy. Then, the baby comes and you're happy for a few days, maybe even weeks, then you realize how hard life gets with a baby, and how everybody cares about the baby but nobody seems to notice YOU anymore.
Aaron just listened, truly listened to me. Because he had prayed for me, I was able to figure out what was bothering me, and he was able to hear and understand my point of view. I think that's a first in our 12 1/2 years together. He told me he wasn't trying to take my place or make me feel lost, and even APOLOGIZED for making me feel that way. He pointed out that I had a right to be frustrated and confused, even depressed. It's truly amazing the things that happen when we're praying.
We went to marriage counseling that night too. It was great, and I can't even explain why. It just was. We know we're on the right track, and I know that we can do anything with God on our side. When we see older couples together, we both think about how fun it will be to grow old together.
Aaron kept asking what was bothering me, but I wasn't sure what was gettig to me so bad. I was 'just depressed', and I told him to give me space and it would eventully just go away. Well, I had been home several hours and things weren't looking up. I was worried about a friend, I was stressed at work, but it was more than that, and I couldn't figure it out.
I walked in the bedroom to grab a basket of towels that needed folding, and there was my husband. Kneeling down, praying. In the middle of the day. I was in shock, but also angry at first (sad, I know!) because I figured he was praying for me. I didn't want to be "prayed for" this was just a "phase" and I knew it was going to pass with time. I didn't want him to worry about me. I sat and folded the towels as he prayed. I thought for sure he'd sense me in there, and get uncomfortable enough to stop praying. Well, he didn't. He just kept on going. When he finally stood up, I asked what he was praying for. Just what I had feared, he said "I was praying for you. I'm worried about you. I want to see you smile again." Part of me was so happy that he was praying at all, and that he was finally noticing my emotions. But another part of me just couldn't let go of the depression.
I laid on the bed and started talking, figuring that eventually I could get the right words out and figure out why I was so upset. Eventually, I was crying and he was holding me and playing with my hair, wiping my tears, and LISTENING. It's amazing what happens when we listen to each other.
I had been praying for years for Aaron to get his anger under control, to talk to a counselor, to learn how to talk to me without making it a fight, for him to start praying again, and that we could work out all the other problems in our marriage. Then, almost overnight, I had ALL those things. It's hard to believe how fast he made the changes, and how quickly the Lord stepped in once Aaron started trying. I was thankful for the changes, but I was also "lost" because Aaron was doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, spending time with the family, and had even stopped watching TV.
I got all the things I had been praying for, but I was suddenly depressed and that made me mad too. I should be thankful, how could I be selfish enough to be depressed? I told Aaron "I've lost my place in the family. I was the strong one, the one that did all the work myself. The one that prayed with the kids, and had family home evenings; tried to bring the spirit into our home. I feel like I lost my identity because YOU do it all now. Everybody that knows the details is praising you, patting you on the back. But I'm just "here" and nobody seems to have noticed all that I have done for the past 10 or so years." I really started hating myself for those emotions. I knew it was stupid, and selfish and a whole lot of other horrible things.
I compared my feelings to post-partum depression. You wait SO long to have that baby, you can't wait to hold him/her and be done with the pregnancy. Then, the baby comes and you're happy for a few days, maybe even weeks, then you realize how hard life gets with a baby, and how everybody cares about the baby but nobody seems to notice YOU anymore.
Aaron just listened, truly listened to me. Because he had prayed for me, I was able to figure out what was bothering me, and he was able to hear and understand my point of view. I think that's a first in our 12 1/2 years together. He told me he wasn't trying to take my place or make me feel lost, and even APOLOGIZED for making me feel that way. He pointed out that I had a right to be frustrated and confused, even depressed. It's truly amazing the things that happen when we're praying.
We went to marriage counseling that night too. It was great, and I can't even explain why. It just was. We know we're on the right track, and I know that we can do anything with God on our side. When we see older couples together, we both think about how fun it will be to grow old together.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Breakfast in Bed
I failed to mention something AMAZING in my last post, so I'm back again. The week that I've had off, has been miraculous in many ways. Aaron has had a tremendous change of heart. He made me breakfast in bed three times. Now, to some, that's not amazing, but for us, it's huge. Aaron has only done this maybe two other times in the 12 years we've been married. The first time, it was toast with Nutella (see, amazing) with yogurt and a banana. He woke up before any of the kids (amazing again, because Nathanael is always up before the sun) and we sat in bed and talked while we ate together. It was romantic, and spiritual too. The second time, he made pancakes from scratch. He has never made pancakes, even with a mix before. In fact, if I ever plan pancakes on the menu, he tells me he doesn't know how to make them, and doesn't even look at the recipe. (The pancakes were amazing BTW) Again, this time he was up before the kids and we enjoyed some quiet time in bed talking and eating before the kids were up.
I asked Aaron how he had managed to get up so early without an alarm clock. Aaron is always the one that sleeps late, even with 2 alarm clocks and screaming kids he can stay in bed. He told me "I prayed for an opportunity to do this. I wanted to show you my love for you." My husband, praying. That's amazing that he is praying over things like this. He has never done this before. This brought another question "who are you, and what have you done with Aaron?" He just smiled and said "this IS the Aaron you married. I'm coming back."
He had another counseling session, and he is learning some great things from this guy. He also met with our family doctor and got back on the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. Those take some time to kick in, but he's doing really great. The only thing we can give credit to for that, is the prayer. He has really been pouring his heart out to the Lord.
The third time, he made me breakfast and the kids were up before he brought it in, so he stayed with the kids while I stayed in the room. In the past, I think if he had tried to do this, the kids would have been running in to me every couple of seconds asking for something. But, this time, they wanted their daddy. They enjoyed time with him, and I enjoyed a bit of a break.
When we attended church together after he came home, he leaned over and whispered to me "you know, all those times I called you selfish? I think it was because I was being selfish, and didn't realize it. So I pushed that onto you." I didn't want to just agree, but we all do that sometimes, don't we? We hate to see the bad in ourselves, and sometimes we push that attribute onto those closest to us, the ones we love the most. I'm sure I've done the same to Aaron.
I go back to work tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it, but it's the next "leap of faith" for both of us. Aaron's first time alone with the kids since the "incident". I know Heavenly Father has helped us get this far, and I am trying my darndest to have the faith that He will continue to bless us, and that we will be worthy of the blessings. I'm sure that as long as we keep praying, attending the temple, and TALKING we will be fine, because we know how close we came to losing everything. None of us want to tempt fate again. We will keep praying.
I love my little family. I am SO blessed to have these 5 amazing kids, and a man that loves us all enough to fight the demons off, and that he is trying to reach his full potential. I love my life! :)
I asked Aaron how he had managed to get up so early without an alarm clock. Aaron is always the one that sleeps late, even with 2 alarm clocks and screaming kids he can stay in bed. He told me "I prayed for an opportunity to do this. I wanted to show you my love for you." My husband, praying. That's amazing that he is praying over things like this. He has never done this before. This brought another question "who are you, and what have you done with Aaron?" He just smiled and said "this IS the Aaron you married. I'm coming back."
He had another counseling session, and he is learning some great things from this guy. He also met with our family doctor and got back on the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. Those take some time to kick in, but he's doing really great. The only thing we can give credit to for that, is the prayer. He has really been pouring his heart out to the Lord.
The third time, he made me breakfast and the kids were up before he brought it in, so he stayed with the kids while I stayed in the room. In the past, I think if he had tried to do this, the kids would have been running in to me every couple of seconds asking for something. But, this time, they wanted their daddy. They enjoyed time with him, and I enjoyed a bit of a break.
When we attended church together after he came home, he leaned over and whispered to me "you know, all those times I called you selfish? I think it was because I was being selfish, and didn't realize it. So I pushed that onto you." I didn't want to just agree, but we all do that sometimes, don't we? We hate to see the bad in ourselves, and sometimes we push that attribute onto those closest to us, the ones we love the most. I'm sure I've done the same to Aaron.
I go back to work tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it, but it's the next "leap of faith" for both of us. Aaron's first time alone with the kids since the "incident". I know Heavenly Father has helped us get this far, and I am trying my darndest to have the faith that He will continue to bless us, and that we will be worthy of the blessings. I'm sure that as long as we keep praying, attending the temple, and TALKING we will be fine, because we know how close we came to losing everything. None of us want to tempt fate again. We will keep praying.
I love my little family. I am SO blessed to have these 5 amazing kids, and a man that loves us all enough to fight the demons off, and that he is trying to reach his full potential. I love my life! :)
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Coming Home
Thursday July 15, 2011. I was so excited to go see the final Harry Potter movie with one of my best friends. He called me to ask how work had gone, and told me to have a great time at the movie with my friend (normally, he'd be irritated that I was going at all). He said I deserved a night out, because he knew how hard I work to take care of my family and home. (In the past, he had said I don't do enough, and that 'only' working a part-time job outside of the home was a piece of cake.)
Aaron had no idea how close I had come to "calling it quits", so I felt like he couldn't possibly be saying/doing these things just to win me back. He told me about the prayers he had said, and how much it had helped him to "pour his heart out to the Lord". He also mentioned that he had sent my mom an email message, but didn't go into any detail.
At this point, I was trying to figure out if Aaron should come home. I knew he was working hard the make some serious changes in his life. I was torn because I wanted him to come and "prove" that the changes would last, but afraid that if he came home too fast, he'd sink into the depression again, and nothing would improve.
I LOVED the movie, and the time with my friend. It was so nice to enjoy myself. Friday at work, was a whole different story :) I was T-I-R-E-D! But, for the first time, I was actually looking forward to seeing Aaron that afternoon. I actually missed him. I also feared what some other people would think, though. I knew that some people would think I had let him off too easy, and others would think I had been too hard. I knew my parents were worried, and I had a few friends hint at the same fears. I was scared, too. There are no guarantees, he could easily start losing his temper again. He could revert back to his old ways.
I called my mom after work, before Aaron got home. I didn't want to ask "should I let him come home?" but I think she knew that I needed her advice. I was most afraid of what my parents and his mom would say. I could live with the judgements of other friends, and had already done so. My mom said "I got the most amazing e-mail from Aaron. It brought tears to my eyes." I wasn't sure these were good tears "tell me more, Mom?"
Aaron had told her that he was sorry he wasn't being the man she had wanted her daughter to marry. He apologized for past hurts and asked for her forgiveness. He also said he forgave her for anything she may have said that had hurt him. (Aaron is the king of holding grudges, even when we had been separated before, he never let go of certain things. There was one particular instance we all feared he'd NEVER forget about). He closed by promising my mom that he was going to do whatever it takes to be the son she could be proud of, and to be the husband that her daughter deserved.
My mom was crying, and I was STILL numb. I didn't dare believe any of it. But my mom said "Ammie, you can't fake this stuff, it's REAL. He means it."
When Aaron got home from work, Vanessa was throwing one of her FAMOUS tantrums. She had cried for about 30 minutes because I couldn't find her princess water bottle. When I finally found it (hidden behind the TV) she wanted milk, when I got milk, she was already so hysterical that I couldn't understand her last demand. I was getting frustrated, and didn't know what to do. Aaron walked upstairs, and he was bawling. Like he couldn't bear to hear his daughter sad. He took her from me, and found out that she wanted MORE milk in the water bottle. I hadn't filled it enough..... He patiently walked to the fridge, and filled it to the line she was demanding. He held her and said "I'm so sorry Vanessa. I'm sorry for all the things I have done to make you cry." Normally, Aaron would have come home and been upset she was crying. He would have been upset that I wasn't trying hard enough to keep her quiet. Probably would have walked away from the situation all together. Again, this isn't something that can be faked. You could see the pain in his eyes, he was remorseful for what he had done. It was like Heavenly Father had shown him the pain he had caused his family, and he was feeling it for himself.
Aaron sat next to me once Vanessa had calmed down. He was still crying, almost in hysterics himself by now. He had been separated from his family for 12 days now. Aaron told me that he hadn't really slept at all since he left, and he felt his health was failing from the lack of sleep and the amount of stress. He asked me if I was ready for him to come home. I said,
"you ruined my surprise." He didn't understand "I was going to ask you to stay tonight."
"please, please ask me. Say it! I'm so sorry."
"will you stay tonight?"
"those are the greatest words I've ever heard you say!"
He fell into my arms. I was crying, for the first time since I had asked him not to come home. We were both shaking and sobbing, Vanessa was still in his arms, but she didn't seem to mind being squeezed between us. In fact, later that night, she asked us to "hug around her" again.
Honestly, I'm still afraid of the future. If Aaron loses his temper with me or the kids again, it will be the last straw, and he knows it. I was advised by 3 different people to make a list of things Aaron had to do in order to come home, and I am angry at myself for not doing it. We've had very long discussions about it all. He just read all these blog entries, and learned how close he came to losing his family.
Some will say I let him come home too fast, and I am afraid I've already lost at least one friend because of it. Maybe he should have stayed away longer, but I'm the one that has to live with the consequences. We made covenants in the temple, and I intend to honor them, as long as Aaron continues to do his part. The decision is between me, Aaron, and our Heavenly Father. Don't judge me.
Aaron had no idea how close I had come to "calling it quits", so I felt like he couldn't possibly be saying/doing these things just to win me back. He told me about the prayers he had said, and how much it had helped him to "pour his heart out to the Lord". He also mentioned that he had sent my mom an email message, but didn't go into any detail.
At this point, I was trying to figure out if Aaron should come home. I knew he was working hard the make some serious changes in his life. I was torn because I wanted him to come and "prove" that the changes would last, but afraid that if he came home too fast, he'd sink into the depression again, and nothing would improve.
I LOVED the movie, and the time with my friend. It was so nice to enjoy myself. Friday at work, was a whole different story :) I was T-I-R-E-D! But, for the first time, I was actually looking forward to seeing Aaron that afternoon. I actually missed him. I also feared what some other people would think, though. I knew that some people would think I had let him off too easy, and others would think I had been too hard. I knew my parents were worried, and I had a few friends hint at the same fears. I was scared, too. There are no guarantees, he could easily start losing his temper again. He could revert back to his old ways.
I called my mom after work, before Aaron got home. I didn't want to ask "should I let him come home?" but I think she knew that I needed her advice. I was most afraid of what my parents and his mom would say. I could live with the judgements of other friends, and had already done so. My mom said "I got the most amazing e-mail from Aaron. It brought tears to my eyes." I wasn't sure these were good tears "tell me more, Mom?"
Aaron had told her that he was sorry he wasn't being the man she had wanted her daughter to marry. He apologized for past hurts and asked for her forgiveness. He also said he forgave her for anything she may have said that had hurt him. (Aaron is the king of holding grudges, even when we had been separated before, he never let go of certain things. There was one particular instance we all feared he'd NEVER forget about). He closed by promising my mom that he was going to do whatever it takes to be the son she could be proud of, and to be the husband that her daughter deserved.
My mom was crying, and I was STILL numb. I didn't dare believe any of it. But my mom said "Ammie, you can't fake this stuff, it's REAL. He means it."
When Aaron got home from work, Vanessa was throwing one of her FAMOUS tantrums. She had cried for about 30 minutes because I couldn't find her princess water bottle. When I finally found it (hidden behind the TV) she wanted milk, when I got milk, she was already so hysterical that I couldn't understand her last demand. I was getting frustrated, and didn't know what to do. Aaron walked upstairs, and he was bawling. Like he couldn't bear to hear his daughter sad. He took her from me, and found out that she wanted MORE milk in the water bottle. I hadn't filled it enough..... He patiently walked to the fridge, and filled it to the line she was demanding. He held her and said "I'm so sorry Vanessa. I'm sorry for all the things I have done to make you cry." Normally, Aaron would have come home and been upset she was crying. He would have been upset that I wasn't trying hard enough to keep her quiet. Probably would have walked away from the situation all together. Again, this isn't something that can be faked. You could see the pain in his eyes, he was remorseful for what he had done. It was like Heavenly Father had shown him the pain he had caused his family, and he was feeling it for himself.
Aaron sat next to me once Vanessa had calmed down. He was still crying, almost in hysterics himself by now. He had been separated from his family for 12 days now. Aaron told me that he hadn't really slept at all since he left, and he felt his health was failing from the lack of sleep and the amount of stress. He asked me if I was ready for him to come home. I said,
"you ruined my surprise." He didn't understand "I was going to ask you to stay tonight."
"please, please ask me. Say it! I'm so sorry."
"will you stay tonight?"
"those are the greatest words I've ever heard you say!"
He fell into my arms. I was crying, for the first time since I had asked him not to come home. We were both shaking and sobbing, Vanessa was still in his arms, but she didn't seem to mind being squeezed between us. In fact, later that night, she asked us to "hug around her" again.
Honestly, I'm still afraid of the future. If Aaron loses his temper with me or the kids again, it will be the last straw, and he knows it. I was advised by 3 different people to make a list of things Aaron had to do in order to come home, and I am angry at myself for not doing it. We've had very long discussions about it all. He just read all these blog entries, and learned how close he came to losing his family.
Some will say I let him come home too fast, and I am afraid I've already lost at least one friend because of it. Maybe he should have stayed away longer, but I'm the one that has to live with the consequences. We made covenants in the temple, and I intend to honor them, as long as Aaron continues to do his part. The decision is between me, Aaron, and our Heavenly Father. Don't judge me.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Child Protective Services
My sister called me on Monday, July 11 to inform me she had called child protective services about the "incident" with Vanessa. I was pretty scared that they'd put me under a microscope and find all my faults. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I was still nervous. I had several friends tell me "I was GOING to call, but...." (you fill in the blanks). I was frustrated that so many people knew how bad it had gotten, apparently I had been "blinded by love" and I was angry that nobody had helped before. But, it also made me appreciate the steps my sister took. It wasn't easy on her. She was afraid Aaron would hate her forever, and she told me that she had been praying that one day, Aaron would forgive her (maybe even thank her for it.)
On Tuesday, July 12, my babysitter, Sherry, called me at work and said "there's a social worker here, and he wants to know if he can talk to your kids without you?" My first ever panic attack hit hard. My heart was beating so fast my chest was hurting, I thought I was going to throw up. My head was spinning. I don't know why it scared me so bad, but I wasn't there, and a social worker was at my house. I left work in a hurry. The whole drive home I was trying to calm myself down, but the ache in my chest and the nausea wouldn't go away. I called a friend, no answer. Called another friend, and she just listened while I rambled about my fears.
When I got home, I saw the car in the driveway. Aaron was there. And so was a social worker. If I thought I had been sick before, I was wrong. This was a whole new level of fear. Aaron was going to be SO mad. He was probably holding it together, but I was sure that things were going to end after he was told that he was abusive. Especially if he ever found out that it was my sister that called. I could hardly see straight, I was so scared. I walked up the stairs, trying not to pass out. I heard my name called, and attempted to sound firm "yep" It was not as strong as I had hoped, you could tell in my voice how scared I was. I walked around the corner, and saw Aaron on the couch, red eyes, sitting across from the caseworker. I took a step back..... red eyes?? Aaron had been crying? That was unexpected. He was supposed to be mad. He had just finished talking to the caseworker, and asked if he could show me something. He took my hand, and guided me into the kitchen. Flowers, sitting on my island in the kitchen. He stopped to get flowers after his first counseling appointment. His intention was to stop at the house, leave the flowers, and be gone before I got home. He was shocked at the caseworker's presence.
Aaron left, and I sat down with the caseworker. We only talked for a few minutes, and he found out that our first marriage counseling appointment was the next day, and that Aaron had just finished his first personal appointment. The caseworker seemed amazed. He told me that he had never checked on a case and had the accused be so humble. I wasn't sure I understood. Aaron? Humble? He told me that Aaron told HIM what had happened, instead of waiting to hear what he had been accused of. He also said he had never talked to somebody that was already in counseling, and he praised me for being proactive and getting Aaron out of the house while things were worked out.
As soon as the caseworker left, I noticed a voice mail on my phone. I dialed it up, and listened to my sister say "Ammie Aaron just called me, I'm in shock. I thought you needed to hear what he said." she had forwarded me a message from Aaron. His voice came on "Hi Angie. I just wanted to call you. I'm sorry I put you in a difficult situation where you had to call Child Protective Services. I am not angry at you, I'm actually very happy you did it. I need all the help I can get, and all the support I can get. Right now, I don't feel I have very much support, and I'm looking for support anywhere. I'd like to talk to you. Call me back. Again, I'd like to thank you for what you did. I love you. Give me a call. 'Bye."
I went into shock. I was still numb, and I wasn't crying (weird!!) but I couldn't believe the things I had heard from my husband's voice. You can't FAKE this type of thing. He had the spirit back in his life. He really was praying again, and reading scriptures. His faith was growing again, and he was FIGHTING to get his family back. My brothers reached out to him, my sister helped him, and he felt love. He was praying and getting guidance from our Heavenly Father, for the first time in years.
We talked more later that day. He told me that all the things I'd been saying to him for the past several years were "coming back" as he prayed. Heavenly Father was reminding him of all the things that he needed to work on. For the first time, I was starting to believe that he was really going to try. That things might actually work out. But I was also afraid to hope. Why go through all this again? But the spirit was telling me, in my heart, that this was true. That Aaron was sincere.
On Tuesday, July 12, my babysitter, Sherry, called me at work and said "there's a social worker here, and he wants to know if he can talk to your kids without you?" My first ever panic attack hit hard. My heart was beating so fast my chest was hurting, I thought I was going to throw up. My head was spinning. I don't know why it scared me so bad, but I wasn't there, and a social worker was at my house. I left work in a hurry. The whole drive home I was trying to calm myself down, but the ache in my chest and the nausea wouldn't go away. I called a friend, no answer. Called another friend, and she just listened while I rambled about my fears.
When I got home, I saw the car in the driveway. Aaron was there. And so was a social worker. If I thought I had been sick before, I was wrong. This was a whole new level of fear. Aaron was going to be SO mad. He was probably holding it together, but I was sure that things were going to end after he was told that he was abusive. Especially if he ever found out that it was my sister that called. I could hardly see straight, I was so scared. I walked up the stairs, trying not to pass out. I heard my name called, and attempted to sound firm "yep" It was not as strong as I had hoped, you could tell in my voice how scared I was. I walked around the corner, and saw Aaron on the couch, red eyes, sitting across from the caseworker. I took a step back..... red eyes?? Aaron had been crying? That was unexpected. He was supposed to be mad. He had just finished talking to the caseworker, and asked if he could show me something. He took my hand, and guided me into the kitchen. Flowers, sitting on my island in the kitchen. He stopped to get flowers after his first counseling appointment. His intention was to stop at the house, leave the flowers, and be gone before I got home. He was shocked at the caseworker's presence.
Aaron left, and I sat down with the caseworker. We only talked for a few minutes, and he found out that our first marriage counseling appointment was the next day, and that Aaron had just finished his first personal appointment. The caseworker seemed amazed. He told me that he had never checked on a case and had the accused be so humble. I wasn't sure I understood. Aaron? Humble? He told me that Aaron told HIM what had happened, instead of waiting to hear what he had been accused of. He also said he had never talked to somebody that was already in counseling, and he praised me for being proactive and getting Aaron out of the house while things were worked out.
As soon as the caseworker left, I noticed a voice mail on my phone. I dialed it up, and listened to my sister say "Ammie Aaron just called me, I'm in shock. I thought you needed to hear what he said." she had forwarded me a message from Aaron. His voice came on "Hi Angie. I just wanted to call you. I'm sorry I put you in a difficult situation where you had to call Child Protective Services. I am not angry at you, I'm actually very happy you did it. I need all the help I can get, and all the support I can get. Right now, I don't feel I have very much support, and I'm looking for support anywhere. I'd like to talk to you. Call me back. Again, I'd like to thank you for what you did. I love you. Give me a call. 'Bye."
I went into shock. I was still numb, and I wasn't crying (weird!!) but I couldn't believe the things I had heard from my husband's voice. You can't FAKE this type of thing. He had the spirit back in his life. He really was praying again, and reading scriptures. His faith was growing again, and he was FIGHTING to get his family back. My brothers reached out to him, my sister helped him, and he felt love. He was praying and getting guidance from our Heavenly Father, for the first time in years.
We talked more later that day. He told me that all the things I'd been saying to him for the past several years were "coming back" as he prayed. Heavenly Father was reminding him of all the things that he needed to work on. For the first time, I was starting to believe that he was really going to try. That things might actually work out. But I was also afraid to hope. Why go through all this again? But the spirit was telling me, in my heart, that this was true. That Aaron was sincere.
Independence Day
July 4, 2011. Less than two weeks ago. It has been more than a year since Aaron's seizure. He was not recovering, and it was killing us. We weren't getting along. We had been fighting off and on for a year, and several times in the past year I've wondered if we would make it.
Without going into a ton of details, he said some very hurtful things, as did I. We had screaming matches, and I know it was especially hard on Karleah because she understood the words. If Aaron lost his temper with the kids, I would tell him it was abuse, and he would dare me to call it in. If I mentioned that he needed to get help, or lose his family, he would challenge me. I talked to a few friends about the things that were going on. Mostly, my friends didn't know what to say. One told me to kick him out and move on, but after Aaron had saved me, I knew I needed to stand by him when he was depressed. Friends told me that at least when I was depressed, I sought help, and Aaron was not. This was painfully true. Aaron had been on anti-depressants, but was refusing to take them regularly. I felt trapped. I emailed a few friends that had been through divorce, and asked their advice. One friend told me that I was in denial, and I needed to do something about the problems.
On the 4th of July, Aaron lost his temper again. He hurt Vanessa. I text my friend that had been encouraging me to try and work things out, a friend that had given me some great advice in the year we'd been struggling. This friend had always encouraged me not to give up, and stand by Aaron's side.
I asked "how can I let this keep happening?"
he said "tell him to leave".
"I did ask him to leave, but he won't. Plus, he's my babysitter. How can I go to work?"
he said "Excuses. You know there are 20 people that will help you if you get him out, and the police will take him out if he resists."
He was right. I had people that could help, I had friends, and my kids didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating them. Not to mention, if the person that had been encouraging me for the past year was telling me to get him out, it needed to be done. I called Aaron (he had gone to work by this point) and told him I didn't trust him anymore. He was furious. He told me to go ahead and find other babysitters, good luck putting the yard in on my own, and he wouldn't be coming home after work.
I think he expected my normal reactions, "no, no that's not it. Come home, we'll work through this" but I just said "OK". I called my neighbor, and asked if she could start watching my kids every day (she was only watching them once/week before). She didn't ask questions, just said she would do it.
I text my parents and siblings, told them I had kicked Aaron out, and that I wasn't ready to talk about it so please don't call me. Nobody called, just offered their support over text. My awesome brothers both reached out to Aaron, offering their love and support in his time of need. Yes, he screwed up, but he still needed friends and my brothers were the first to offer.
The next day, less than 24 hours after I told him to get out, he called and asked what the plan was. "Should I come home tonight?" I wasn't sure if I should scream at him, or laugh. I was ready to call a divorce lawyer. I didn't love him. All the bad things that had happened in the 12 years of our marriage were haunting me. I couldn't remember the good, and the hurtful things were compounding. I told Aaron not to plan on coming home for a while. He said he had enough of his things to get him through a couple more days, and he would come home Thursday.
My dad offered to give me a blessing, and I asked him to come out Thursday. My friend also came out that day, for a surprise visit because she knew all that was going on. We enjoyed dinner, and my parents said I seemed happier without Aaron there. The kids were happier too. We had enjoyed the peace since he left, we had watched movies together, played games, made cookies. One of my friends that had gone through divorce said "it seems like you've already made up your mind. You're just scared." Yep, that summed it up. I was ready to end it all.
My dad gave me the promised blessing, and told me that we had been suffering abuse. I had denied that the things he was doing were abuse, because I had heard SO much worse. I also didn't believe that I was weak enough to sit back and let somebody abuse me. But, when I heard those words in the blessing, I had to admit we had been through hell. Yes, others had it worse, but that didn't take away the fact that we were being abused. The blessing also stated that IF Aaron chose to get the help he needed, and he chose to take necessary steps such as counseling, anger management, prayer, scripture study, etc we COULD work things out. My heart actually sank. I didn't want to work things out. I was ready to file. The word divorce seemed so much easier than the effort involved in fixing all the problems. My dad also gave Karleah a blessing, and she was told how loved she is. That Heavenly Father was watching out for her, and that she was an amazing person. The spirit was so strong in our home. We hadn't had that for years. It was amazing.
My parents and my friend all went home, and Aaron showed up. I didn't want him there, and the second he walked in the door, the spirit left. He had so much darkness around him. I text a friend in the ward and asked her to notify the bishop that Aaron was home. I didn't dare call the bishop because I thought for sure Aaron would be furious, because he had already told me he wasn't going to talk to the bishop. The bishop showed up a little while later, he and Aaron went outside and talked for a while.
He called me Friday morning and said "I feel like my family hates me. I'm not welcome there. Nobody wants me there." I told him he was right, we didn't want him there. After work, he was going to come home and pack some bags, to go back to his mom's house. He packed his bags, and as he was leaving, he started crying. He begged me not to give up on him. Said he was going to work hard to gain my trust back, and to get his family back. I told him goodbye.
Without going into a ton of details, he said some very hurtful things, as did I. We had screaming matches, and I know it was especially hard on Karleah because she understood the words. If Aaron lost his temper with the kids, I would tell him it was abuse, and he would dare me to call it in. If I mentioned that he needed to get help, or lose his family, he would challenge me. I talked to a few friends about the things that were going on. Mostly, my friends didn't know what to say. One told me to kick him out and move on, but after Aaron had saved me, I knew I needed to stand by him when he was depressed. Friends told me that at least when I was depressed, I sought help, and Aaron was not. This was painfully true. Aaron had been on anti-depressants, but was refusing to take them regularly. I felt trapped. I emailed a few friends that had been through divorce, and asked their advice. One friend told me that I was in denial, and I needed to do something about the problems.
On the 4th of July, Aaron lost his temper again. He hurt Vanessa. I text my friend that had been encouraging me to try and work things out, a friend that had given me some great advice in the year we'd been struggling. This friend had always encouraged me not to give up, and stand by Aaron's side.
I asked "how can I let this keep happening?"
he said "tell him to leave".
"I did ask him to leave, but he won't. Plus, he's my babysitter. How can I go to work?"
he said "Excuses. You know there are 20 people that will help you if you get him out, and the police will take him out if he resists."
He was right. I had people that could help, I had friends, and my kids didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating them. Not to mention, if the person that had been encouraging me for the past year was telling me to get him out, it needed to be done. I called Aaron (he had gone to work by this point) and told him I didn't trust him anymore. He was furious. He told me to go ahead and find other babysitters, good luck putting the yard in on my own, and he wouldn't be coming home after work.
I think he expected my normal reactions, "no, no that's not it. Come home, we'll work through this" but I just said "OK". I called my neighbor, and asked if she could start watching my kids every day (she was only watching them once/week before). She didn't ask questions, just said she would do it.
I text my parents and siblings, told them I had kicked Aaron out, and that I wasn't ready to talk about it so please don't call me. Nobody called, just offered their support over text. My awesome brothers both reached out to Aaron, offering their love and support in his time of need. Yes, he screwed up, but he still needed friends and my brothers were the first to offer.
The next day, less than 24 hours after I told him to get out, he called and asked what the plan was. "Should I come home tonight?" I wasn't sure if I should scream at him, or laugh. I was ready to call a divorce lawyer. I didn't love him. All the bad things that had happened in the 12 years of our marriage were haunting me. I couldn't remember the good, and the hurtful things were compounding. I told Aaron not to plan on coming home for a while. He said he had enough of his things to get him through a couple more days, and he would come home Thursday.
My dad offered to give me a blessing, and I asked him to come out Thursday. My friend also came out that day, for a surprise visit because she knew all that was going on. We enjoyed dinner, and my parents said I seemed happier without Aaron there. The kids were happier too. We had enjoyed the peace since he left, we had watched movies together, played games, made cookies. One of my friends that had gone through divorce said "it seems like you've already made up your mind. You're just scared." Yep, that summed it up. I was ready to end it all.
My dad gave me the promised blessing, and told me that we had been suffering abuse. I had denied that the things he was doing were abuse, because I had heard SO much worse. I also didn't believe that I was weak enough to sit back and let somebody abuse me. But, when I heard those words in the blessing, I had to admit we had been through hell. Yes, others had it worse, but that didn't take away the fact that we were being abused. The blessing also stated that IF Aaron chose to get the help he needed, and he chose to take necessary steps such as counseling, anger management, prayer, scripture study, etc we COULD work things out. My heart actually sank. I didn't want to work things out. I was ready to file. The word divorce seemed so much easier than the effort involved in fixing all the problems. My dad also gave Karleah a blessing, and she was told how loved she is. That Heavenly Father was watching out for her, and that she was an amazing person. The spirit was so strong in our home. We hadn't had that for years. It was amazing.
My parents and my friend all went home, and Aaron showed up. I didn't want him there, and the second he walked in the door, the spirit left. He had so much darkness around him. I text a friend in the ward and asked her to notify the bishop that Aaron was home. I didn't dare call the bishop because I thought for sure Aaron would be furious, because he had already told me he wasn't going to talk to the bishop. The bishop showed up a little while later, he and Aaron went outside and talked for a while.
He called me Friday morning and said "I feel like my family hates me. I'm not welcome there. Nobody wants me there." I told him he was right, we didn't want him there. After work, he was going to come home and pack some bags, to go back to his mom's house. He packed his bags, and as he was leaving, he started crying. He begged me not to give up on him. Said he was going to work hard to gain my trust back, and to get his family back. I told him goodbye.
Seizures
When Faith was 3 weeks old, Aaron had a seizure. Aaron is epileptic, so this shouldn't be surprising. His first seizure was just before his mission. Then he had two while on his mission. He was put on medication in 1994 in Germany, and did not have a seizure on the medicine. In 2002, his neurologist wanted to take him off the medicine. Aaron was excited that he wouldn't have to rely on the medication anymore. He slowly lowered his dosage over a year's time, and things were going great. When we were separated that December, I had called him to talk about things one afternoon. He started speaking gibberish. I was so mad. I started screaming at him to stop. His mom's voice came on the line "He's having a seizure". I was embarrassed that she heard me screaming at her son, and I was scared because I'd never seen him have a seizure.
I drove to where he was at, and we took him to the neurologist. He wanted to run a test the next morning and see if they could find a reason for the seizure. That night, Aaron had another seizure in his sleep. He bit through his tongue, and when his mom found him there was blood all over the pillow and he was still coming out of the seizure. When his mom called me, I couldn't drive to the house fast enough. We took him in immediately, not waiting for the appointed time. The doctor ran tests, and never found out why the seizures were taking place. Aaron got back on the medicine.
I realize that seizures are fairly common. Everybody knows somebody that has had one. I grew up with an epileptic. When Aaron went back on the medicine, he had severe mood swings. It took months for him to adjust. We got back together after the 2nd seizure, but separated again 3 months later when his mood swings got out of control. Obviously, we worked it out, but it was hard on both of us.
So, when he had a seizure in May of 2010, he was devastated. I was in the living room reading, and he had gone to bed. I heard him shout, and thought he was having a bad dream. (Keep in mind, I had never been around him when he had a seizure) I ignored him, but slowly he started shouting louder, and louder, and the screams were getting close together. Almost on top of each other. I ran down the hall, and he was violently shaking. He was making a horrible groaning sound, and it was like he wasn't breathing. I called 911, and the operator helped me calmly figure out what to do. He was spitting blood all over me. He had bitten through his tongue again. The paramedics came, and my friend and neighbor saw them and came to make sure everything was OK. I was trying not to panic, so it was great to have a friend there to support me.
It took about an hour for Aaron to completely come out of the seizure. He didn't remember me, or the kids. He didn't know where he was, and he was getting very irritated with the paramedics asking him questions. He just wanted to sleep. He'd forget things within seconds of it happening. They checked his blood sugar, and a few seconds later, he asked why he had a band-aid on his finger. When he finally remembered who the president of the United States was, the paramedics left.
The next morning, we started looking for a new neurologist (he had just gotten a letter from the old one that he was no longer treating epilepsy). They couldn't get him in for about 3 weeks, so we lived in fear that he would have another seizure. Aaron had never had a seizure on medication before, so we had never had this worry before. When we finally got in to the doctor, he had to run a bunch of tests. More waiting. They still have no reason for any of his seizures. The doctor gave him a higher dosage. This medication is hard to adjust to, and even just 50 mg. more/day made a huge difference.
Aaron went into a depression. His seizure had really affected him, for the worse. He was scared he'd have another one, and he didn't know when or where it might happen. If it happened on the road, he could be killed; at work, seriously injured; at home, the kids would be traumatized. With that fear, and the higher dosage of medication, Aaron was really struggling. He had also lost his best friend less than one year ago, and his mom wasn't doing well. He was taking care of so many things for his mom because his dad wasn't around anymore. I guess it was my turn to be the strong one, and his turn to be depressed.
I drove to where he was at, and we took him to the neurologist. He wanted to run a test the next morning and see if they could find a reason for the seizure. That night, Aaron had another seizure in his sleep. He bit through his tongue, and when his mom found him there was blood all over the pillow and he was still coming out of the seizure. When his mom called me, I couldn't drive to the house fast enough. We took him in immediately, not waiting for the appointed time. The doctor ran tests, and never found out why the seizures were taking place. Aaron got back on the medicine.
I realize that seizures are fairly common. Everybody knows somebody that has had one. I grew up with an epileptic. When Aaron went back on the medicine, he had severe mood swings. It took months for him to adjust. We got back together after the 2nd seizure, but separated again 3 months later when his mood swings got out of control. Obviously, we worked it out, but it was hard on both of us.
So, when he had a seizure in May of 2010, he was devastated. I was in the living room reading, and he had gone to bed. I heard him shout, and thought he was having a bad dream. (Keep in mind, I had never been around him when he had a seizure) I ignored him, but slowly he started shouting louder, and louder, and the screams were getting close together. Almost on top of each other. I ran down the hall, and he was violently shaking. He was making a horrible groaning sound, and it was like he wasn't breathing. I called 911, and the operator helped me calmly figure out what to do. He was spitting blood all over me. He had bitten through his tongue again. The paramedics came, and my friend and neighbor saw them and came to make sure everything was OK. I was trying not to panic, so it was great to have a friend there to support me.
It took about an hour for Aaron to completely come out of the seizure. He didn't remember me, or the kids. He didn't know where he was, and he was getting very irritated with the paramedics asking him questions. He just wanted to sleep. He'd forget things within seconds of it happening. They checked his blood sugar, and a few seconds later, he asked why he had a band-aid on his finger. When he finally remembered who the president of the United States was, the paramedics left.
The next morning, we started looking for a new neurologist (he had just gotten a letter from the old one that he was no longer treating epilepsy). They couldn't get him in for about 3 weeks, so we lived in fear that he would have another seizure. Aaron had never had a seizure on medication before, so we had never had this worry before. When we finally got in to the doctor, he had to run a bunch of tests. More waiting. They still have no reason for any of his seizures. The doctor gave him a higher dosage. This medication is hard to adjust to, and even just 50 mg. more/day made a huge difference.
Aaron went into a depression. His seizure had really affected him, for the worse. He was scared he'd have another one, and he didn't know when or where it might happen. If it happened on the road, he could be killed; at work, seriously injured; at home, the kids would be traumatized. With that fear, and the higher dosage of medication, Aaron was really struggling. He had also lost his best friend less than one year ago, and his mom wasn't doing well. He was taking care of so many things for his mom because his dad wasn't around anymore. I guess it was my turn to be the strong one, and his turn to be depressed.
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