Normal

This blog was originally intended as a family thing, and I'm just talking about myself..... it's becoming my journal.... Promise once the depression is under control, there will be interesting posts :)

After my last doctor visit I got a higher dosage of the anti-depressant medication, and some anti-anxiety pills. I've been afraid to take the anxiety pills (I know, shocking!) The pills say they are addicting, and I am a person that is easily addicted. Another warning is that it makes it hard to concentrate (I'm already kind of a spacey person) and causes drowsiness (I've fallen asleep driving FOUR times...I don't need to be drowsy on my 45-minute commute every day). I have heard people talk about anxiety and panic attacks, but never fully understood it. It is freaky how one minute, I'm sitting there just fine, and the next minute, I'm having trouble breathing, and feel so overwhelmed I want to cry, or scream.

I have some of the most amazing friends. They have listened to my psycho ramblings for the past few months, and have stood by me when I've been undeserving. They have shown me true Christ-like love. So, thank you Jody, Cameo, Emily, and Angie. More than anyone else, Aaron has had to suffer. He has a vague understanding of depression, since he is struggling with it since his dad died. But he's having a hard time understanding why I'm not eating. I imagine it's aggravating to live with me, but he has been so loving and patient and kind. He buys me flowers, he listens to me, he sends me random text messages. He encourages me every day, and tries not to make me feel like a child. Aaron made me breakfast in bed a few times, too. I am so thankful for him. Without him, and my kids, I am sure this would be a lot worse.

When I sent a text to some of my closest friends stating that the world would be better off without me, I was in my room trying to convince myself not to take an entire bottle of Aaron's anti-anxiety pills. My friend Emily showed up, and just talked. Not even about the depression or what I was going through, just talked, and listened. At one point, Carson started screaming. I went to pick him up, and asked what was wrong. He said "I need my Mommy. I want my Mommy." I bawled like a little child. Aaron & the kids are the real reason that I am fighting this battle. They are the reason I want to continue. I know it seems like I'm giving up, and not trying, but I am, and I am determined to feel "normal" again.