Misery

A friend of mine said something about the book "Misery" and somehow I convinced myself to read it. I don't normally like Stephen King novels because they are gross, and use a lot of bad language. But the subject came up because of the depression I have been dealing with.

I had a lot of mixed emotions about this book. It was a good book, intriguing. I stayed up past midnight reading it, and normally reading makes me drowsy so that's saying quite a bit. The story is about a woman that holds a man captive and she makes him write a book. If things go differently than she planned, she "loses control" and hurts him or tortures him. It's very descriptive about the torture, one of many reasons I have avoided his books in the past. [More details about the story can be found here.]

On the other hand, this book was frustrating to me. There are parts where he refers to her mood swings as "depressive". The character, Paul, talks about how he hates her the most when she is depressed, and the way things are (around the house and in her personality) when she is depressed is just sickening. It made me think of all the TV shows and movies and books about depression, and how people think everybody with depression is psycho. That's one of many reasons that I rarely talk about it.

Things have come a long way, I know that. My mom tells me about when she was starting anti-depressants (I was about 9 when she finally got some help) and if she talked about it, she got some really hard-to-swallow reactions. Now, people are on anti-depressants more often and it is MORE understood, but the media will have people believe that mental illness=psychosis.

Every murderer in crime TV shows suffered from some sort of mental illness. Every kidnapper, every child abuser, every person that has ever intentionally hurt somebody else had mental illness. This just adds to the view people have that if you have a mental illness, you are "mental". The term "it's all in your head" has taken a whole new meaning. It is, literally, 'in your head' but it is NOT optional. It is actually a treatable, diagnosable, medical condition.

My mom used to tell me that I have a "persecution complex" and that I always thought people were out to get me. This is very true. I am always worried about what other people think of me. I'm a "people watcher", so I tend to notice the way people act when they think nobody is watching. I am also a gossip. It's something I've tried to stop doing countless times. I know it's natural to judge others, and it's easy to assume things by what we observe. So I tend to think others are always doing this to me. (yeah, it's selfish....I'm a selfish person).

The friend that mentioned the book said that listening to me talk about depression made him "flash back" to the book Misery. As I read the book, I was starting thinking that he must either think I'm obsessed with him, or that I'm as messed up as the character Annie (maybe both). Next, I'd think about the few people I have opened up to about my depression. I couldn't help but think that they probably all think I'm psycho. Heck, I think I'm psycho most of the time. Though my closest friends have tried to convince me that they love me, and care about me, I'm only 1/2 convinced. They're saying what they think I should hear; or what I want to hear. Most of the people I've opened up to have not experienced serious depression (yes, they've been depressed, but that's not the same as 'true' depression). So they really don't fully understand what I'm trying to describe, and since I'm not a professional I probably don't do it justice when I describe it.

I guess I'm just getting on my "soap box" again. I have avoided saying that I have a mental illness or an eating disorder, but that's just lying to myself. I have a mental illness. I have an eating disorder. I am seeking help, and hoping that it turns out for the best. Most people with mental illness live "normal" lives, and most of the people around them may not even know about it. Going to a psychiatrist doesn't make me crazy. I do obsess over things (and sometimes people), but that doesn't mean I'm going to kidnap and torture somebody.