"Shrink"

I am amazed at how much I've learned about myself in my psychiatry appointments. I always thought I had a great family life when I was growing up. My parents always said "I love you", they taught me the gospel but let me choose my own way in life. They were supportive even when it was hard for them. My siblings and I fought a lot, but we were still a "typical" family. We have always loved each other and cared for each other. We messed with each other, but stood up for each other if anybody else did. Typical family, right?

Well, somehow it came out that my mom had depression. Probably because we were discussing the genetic factor in depression. I told her that my mom was put on anti-depressants when I was nine. She said "I bet that was hard when you were so young." hmmmmmmm.....I'd never thought of it as hard on ME. Hard on my mom, yes! On my dad, absolutely! But me?? She asked me what I remembered about my mom before she got help. I hadn't thought about that for so long, but as soon as she asked, the memories flooded in. My mom, sitting in bed and crying for no reason. Frequently asking me for hugs because he "love tank" was low. Sitting on the bathroom floor, wrapped in a towel in front of the heat vent while she rocked and cried. I guess I've never thought about it, because my mom is AMAZING and I never want anybody to think otherwise. But it probably was harder on me than I ever realized.

Then there was the typical sibling arguments. All my siblings have struggled with depression to some degree. I can understand now, looking back, that when my siblings were depressed, they would lash out at those closest to them (HELLO!! I am HORRIBLE that way when I'm depressed.) Since I was the youngest, and probably had the least-best grasp of what it all meant, I internalized it a lot more than my brothers and sister.  My sister told me once that because she had such a low self-image she tried to drag everybody else down with her.

Don't get the wrong impression, my family life really was great for the most part. Just different because we all had different degrees of mental illness. We had lots of fun FHE nights, and family outings. SO many good times playing games or watching movies together. My oldest brother loved to wait for a really intense part of a movie, and then yell "boo" and watch us all scream and jump. My sister would comfort me when somebody else hurt my feelings, and my other brother would do anything, just to make me happy. He once brought home school lunch in his jeans pocket because I was jealous I didn't get school lunch. He also chased a much bigger boy around the school for hitting on me. If I woke up screaming in pain because my legs were hurting, he would give me a piggy-back ride to my parents. My mom is a great listener, and gives some amazing advice. Her life is an open book, and she has helped countless people because she is so open and honest. My dad was my spiritual leader, and friend. He gave me trust I didn't deserve, and is the perfect example of unconditional love.

So, my psychiatrist is putting all this together in a way I have never thought of. She is helping me see things so clearly and simply. I always thought that the "voices" in my head were always fighting with each other, but she has pointed out they both want the same thing for me. For me to be strong, kind, good, loving, patient, and giving. They just have different ideas about how to achieve that.

I told her some of the things that some friends of mine have said about me, and she said "that doesn't make it true, you know."
"Well, of course I know that. But these people KNOW me really well, and..."
"so, they know you well enough to know where your "achilles heel is?"
"yes, but....they know me well enough to..."
"hit you where it hurts most, whether it's true or not?"
"well, yeah....but, they know me so well that when they say something about ME, it must be truth because they know me."
"Let's say somebody walks in the room right now, and says to me 'you're a horrible, disorganized psychiatrist'. Does that make the statement true?"
"No. But that's not the same."
"Say it's an old client, that knows me. Is it true?"
"Well, no...."
"So, the things you've heard, they aren't all true either, right?"
"right...."
It's hard to fight with the logic she uses. I know everything she says, have said it to myself, and had others give similar advice. But the way she points it out...... wow. That's all I can say.

I'm not blaming my problems on anybody, or anything. It's MY problem, and only I can fix it. I'm just saying that understanding how it all ties together has made a big difference. I won't even try to explain it, because I won't do it justice. I still have a lot of internal battles, many times a day. I am nowhere near "better" but I'm getting there!!