Addiction......Me?

Recently, I found something I really enjoy doing. However, I have anxiety about sharing it with anybody. I know it's not your typical hobby, and very few people can understand it. I have only told three people about this new addiction (even blogging about it, I don't think the number will change.....promise that'll be the only joke about how few people read this). I swore I would never be able to do it, but then my competitive side kicked into high gear and I just "had" to try it.

This new "joy" for me, is purging. That's right, forcing myself to throw up. The first time I considered it, I sat in the bathroom praying and crying (again, my twins were outside the door banging and asking for things....what's with those kids?) and I sent a text to a friend telling her that I wanted to do it. She is a "real" anorexic and has dealt with the problem for most of her life. She gave me some good advice (she usually does!) and I was (temporarily) convinced not to do it.

Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last. I tried several times after that, and eventually got to where I could actually vomit. It's crazy how I have become obsessed with this. I think about it ALL THE TIME. Every time I think about having to eat so people will get off my back, I try to plan when and how I will be able to throw it up. I ate a snack on the way home from work one day, and then went to volunteer in my son's classroom. I went into the girls' bathroom (yes, at an elementary) and went to town. I was so ashamed of myself for doing it, but so relieved that the snack I had eaten wasn't going to stay in my stomach (and, therefore, end up on my hips or butt).

Yesterday as we were driving to a family get-together at my parents' place, Aaron started having back/chest pain and his fingers went numb. We went to the E.R. to make sure he wasn't having a heart attack. We spent five hours there, only to be told that all the tests came back negative. I happened to have stashed some chocolate in my purse, and I knew Aaron would be hungry and that he'd be happy to see me eating. I pulled it out, ate most of it (I shared a little!) and then told him I needed to go to the bathroom. Yep, in the E.R. restroom, too. Later, my sister brought me some pizza for dinner and I ate 3 slices of the four she brought (at this point they told Aaron not to eat in case there was a blood clot and he would need surgery). I was disgusted that I had eaten so much. I had already had breakfast AND lunch; for me, that's huge. Then I had eaten chocolate (who cares that I threw it up, I ATE it!) I told Aaron I was going to get a drink, and found a different bathroom to purge in (the people across the hall were getting suspicious....OK, maybe not, but I was afraid they would).

I made a "deal" with a friend that (among other things) I would stop purging, eat more, exercise more, etc. and she will eat better, exercise more etc. Well, I sent her a text stating I wasn't sure I could give up the purging habit. I am actually addicted to this nasty thing. She said "maybe you should have your daughter hold your hair out of the way for you." Well, I knew she was trying to be helpful but I didn't know how to respond. I then told her I didn't understand why it was so upsetting to her, or to anybody else. My health hasn't deteriorated, I am still doing everything I need to around the house, at work, and with the kids, so who cares if I am not eating and purge when I do eat? She said "what would you say if your daughter asked you that question? Of course, that only matters if you love your daughter. If you don't love her, think about somebody you do care about and answer the question." Well, I was hurt by the implication that I could ever NOT love my child. I understood the concept, that I wouldn't want my kids doing this to themselves and should be a better example. However, I was hurt by the comment and told her so. I then told her that she obviously has no understanding of what I'm dealing with. She said "what do you expect me to do, be happy for you? I'm SO HAPPY that you found something you enjoy doing. Sorry, but it's not like that." Well, duh.....

Friday I finally told my psychiatrist about this new addiction of mine. She said "let me tell you about my teeth. Do you see these ones? [pointing to her front teeth] they've all been surgically restructured. I only have four teeth that are not crowned or fake. Due to bulimia." She then suggested I meet a 38-year-old client that already has a pacemaker "Due to bulimia." I was shocked that my therapist has been there. I knew she had a keen understanding of eating disorders, and depression, but I never imagined it was FIRST-HAND knowledge and not just what she had studied. Honestly, it didn't change my mind much. Nothing does. I realize it's unhealthy, and dangerous, and that I wouldn't want anybody I care about to go through it (I may have destroyed a friendship with somebody that is doing the same thing......I'm just dumb I guess). I have looked into the health risks of eating disorders, and that doesn't persuade me either. I have bounced back and forth between the "pro" eating disorder websites and the ones that suggest getting help. My psychiatrist said "I won't tell you what to do, or get in to a power struggle over it. I know that won't help, and it's not what I'm here for anyway. I will, however, ask you to stay away from the "pro" websites." So instead, I'm dedicating myself to reading a lot of articles here, and I love it. It's got some great information; and I hope suggest that anybody that knows me [or someone else with an eating disorder] browse the website. It's a simple way to better understand ED.


My psychiatrist recommended that I try praying for the willingness to be rid of this disorder. Not just to be rid of it, but to be willing to let it go. I am trying, really......but it's so hard to let go of, and I don't understand why. I'm still afraid. Today was my first day of not purging [because of the deal with my friend]. I did it, and am trying to accept that as a good thing.