Today, for the first time in a VERY long time, (I can't even remember how long exactly) I feel REALLY good about myself. I feel like I am beautiful, kind, loving, giving, strong, and deserving of love.
We had an appointment at 2:00 this afternoon with a therapist at the behavioral health unit. I got there right at 2:00 and waited in the foyer for about 15 minutes before the therapist came to get me. (I was actually OK with the wait, because it gave my Xanax some time to kick in!) When I walked in, my heart skipped a beat. I am still in love with this man! He means SO much to me. He stood up and we embraced, and kissed.
We sat down, and the therapist started asking questions to get things going. She started by asking what I thought had started Aaron's downhill slide. I mentioned his dad's death, and he agreed that was definitely where it began. He talked about how hard it was to watch his dad collapse mid-sentance and die shortly thereafter. How he had given his dad CPR hoping to save his life, only to watch him die. It was very traumatic, and Aaron is very close to his dad so I know it was especially hard on him. (not that it was any less hard on the rest of the family)
She asked why things had become so dramatic in the past few days, to where he felt like he wanted to kill himself. He immediately responded with "my wife's eating disorder." I was really upset by this, because he's been depressed and abusive for a long time, but somehow he seemed to think that MY problem was the reason he had decided to become suicidal. I asked him how his hurting himself would solve MY problems? He knew that it wasn't an answer to anything.
She asked us about things that would upset Aaron. He said that I don't hug him enough. She asked how I felt about that, and I said that he "changes the rules" too often. He will tell me to spend more time with him, so I give up something I enjoy and watch a movie with him or find a babysitter so we can go on a date then he complains it's not enough. Nothing is ever good enough for him, like I'm always the screw-up and the reason he doesn't feel good. He only remembers the BIG events like when we went to Lagoon, or a movie, and forgets about the times we just talk or watch TV or clean, or fold laundry together.
We discussed how he gets overwhelmed by the kids. When they all need something at the same time, it's overwhelming to even the most patient person. We have a lot of kids in a small amount of time, and it's not easy!! I find myself losing my patience a lot too, so this is completely understandable. He stated that the kids don't like to play with him, and I pointed out all the times we have wanted to play games as a family, and he refused to participate because there was a TV show on he wanted to see, or a game. He said his relationship with the kids is often "strained" because they don't like to play with him the way he wants to play. I reminded him of all the times that he screams at them for interrupting his movie or TV show. He admitted that this is a problem for him.
She asked us both what we expected when he is released from the hospital, and what were the dilemnas we would face. He started making promises, about how he would "change" and do "whatever it takes" but, I've heard it all before. I told him "that's what you said 10 years ago when we were separated. And six years ago when we were struggling, then again 6 months ago when I kicked you out." He started to cry, and I felt he was faking to manipulate me. I do love him though, and I reached over and rubbed his leg, held his hand, and then lifted his face up to look at me. I told him I love him, but I don't trust him.
The therapist asked me if there was anything else. I said I was worried about all the dishonesty. He doesn't just exaggerate or tell tall tales, he LIES. He tried to say that I have been lying about my eating disorder, and I said "it's not the same, Aaron. I told you from day one that I was struggling, and I called a psychiatrist without any prodding. I withheld some details of the problem, but I told you about it." He started trying to defend his latest story, about how he had an "appointment" when in fact he was meeting my friend to discuss my eating disorder and how they could help me. I honestly understand that lie, I don't like it, but I understand it. I deeply love Aaron, and always will, so I won't share all the lies he has told me, but I will say that he likes to make things up, and he admitted that it is to get attention. I told him it has gotten to where I don't believe anything he says anymore.
The therapist said she would talk to Aaron's doctor and see about him getting released. She asked what would happen if he came home tonight. I said that I would let him stay with us tonight, and then take him to his mom's house tomorrow morning where he could stay for a while. (I have already talked to his mom about this, so I know it's an option). When our time was up (actually, we went over quite a bit!) we stood, embraced again, and kissed. I told him I will always love him, and he whispered "I'm going to do whatever it takes! I'm going to fix this." I've heard that before though.....
I want to make one thing clear though. I know that I'm not perfect. I have made my share of mistakes in this relationship. I am hard to get along with, I am stubborn and impatient. As stated in the blessing my dad gave me, nobody deserves abuse and Heavenly Father knows what we have suffered. I don't have to answer to anybody but HIM and I know that I have put my all into this, I have given everything my best shot.
For the first time, I stood up for myself to Aaron. I told him exactly how I felt, and where I stood. It felt SO GOOD.
No comments:
Post a Comment