Today was the second day of my "deal" with my friend. I had wanted to do this with a different friend, but it was made clear to me that friend didn't trust me enough to make the effort. I started trying to think of somebody I could "temp up" with so maybe I'd be stronger and more able to overcome my disorder.
Well, one of the "rules" was that I would be eating at least two meals a day, and my friend insisted I define meal. We decided 400 calories/meal. This is harder than I thought. I didn't want to do it. Yesterday was fast Sunday so I only ate one meal, and ended up having some of my mom's awesome Oatmeal Cake too. I kept trying to think of ways to get around the rules, like eat more than 800 calories then throw some of it up. Then I'm not giving up the purging. Or exercise it all off, try to burn about half those calories with exercise so that I'm not really going to be giving it up.
Part of me is sad that I am not a more successful anorexic. Part of me is glad that I am trying to overcome it before it gets any worse. There were several times today that I wanted to text/call my friend and cancel our deal because it's so hard. I decided to take an anti-anxiety pill every time I eat (as my psychiatrist recommended) and hopefully then I won't worry about it so much. I have only done it once, and haven't noticed a huge difference yet but I'm hoping it helps in the long run.
Ultimately, it comes down to the fact that I care about my friend. I will not give up on this deal because then, she can and I care too much about her to let that happen. We're going to get healthier together. So today wasn't easy, but at least I can say I did it.
No one said it would be easy! :) I hope you are doing ok. I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I know there's really nothing I can do, but if you can think of anything, please don't hesitate to ask. Love you!
ReplyDeleteWhen I sent you that text this afternoon, I was pumped. I have always had this mental block telling me that I can't, I'm too tired and then I would quit after ten minutes not even breaking a sweat. When I had made up my mind that I was going to do it, (and it took me til 3pm to get off my tushy)I told myself that I can do this. I set my program for 30 mins but it was in 10 min. increments giving me time to get a drink of water between times. When I firs started I immediately told myself 'I don't know if I can do this" Then I remembered the prayer I said last night. I asked for help in accomplishing my goal. Then I took off. There was nothing stopping me then. I went through a full 30 min without sitting down. Burned off more calories than I have ever done and even broke into a 'real' sweat.
ReplyDeleteDid I feel good when I had finished? Yes I did and I had to tell someone so I chose you.
So the moral behind this comment is.....
If I can do it, so can you. I know it won't be easy for either one of us because what I'm trying to accomplish and what you are trying to accomplish is totally the opposite.
So, I'll root for you if you'll root for me.
You are a great friend and I will do anything to help you along. All you have to do is ask. Love you! (and your kids) lol
I ♥ u Amberleah!!!! Hang in there! And I'm here any time you need an extra ANYTHING ;-)
ReplyDelete