Jazz Game

I got a text from my friend a while ago asking if I was interested in taking Aaron to a Jazz game because she had won tickets but could not use them because she had class that night. I asked Aaron if he was interested, and we started making plans to go out for a date night.

I was going to "confess" to Aaron all that I've posted on my blog (he didn't know I'd been purging) We had intended to go out to dinner before the game, but couldn't find anybody that was available early enough, so that plan was thrown out the window. For some reason, I just couldn't bring it up on the drive in to the game. When we were about halfway home, I remembered that I hadn't brought it up and decided I'd better hurry.

Aaron was, understandably, very hurt and upset by this. He found out that I had been hiding all these "little" details from him. He stayed up all night (or at least most of it) looking online at warning signs, symptoms, dangers, etc. He was pretty upset when he realized all he had overlooked because he had trusted me. When I got up for work at 4:30am, he was wide awake. He told me that he "forgave" me and yet started to yell at me about all the "lies". I tried to understand the hurt I had caused him, and just took it all in without fighting back. I was late to work, but I knew that he needed to get some of those emotions out.

I ended up leaving work late, since I had started late, and sent Aaron a text to let him know that I would be late and he' d have to take Nathanael to school. He didn't reply, and so a little while later I called his cell phone. No answer. Called the home phone, no answer. I called repeatedly the house, his cell, house, cell, house, cell, house, house, house. He had been talking suicide the night before, so I was pretty freaked out (plus, he was with 4 of the kids!) I called a few neighbors with no luck, but finally one called me back. She drove over to the house and started pounding on the door. It took a couple minutes, but Aaron finally opened the door. Nathanael was late to school, because Aaron had fallen asleep. Aaron had fallen asleep because I had caused him so much grief. It was really all my fault.

I went to Karleah's school to help judge the spelling bee, and when I got home Aaron was asleep. I woke him up just in time to go get kids from school. It was my fault he was so tired, I couldn't be upset. When we got home from picking up kids, he was almost invisible. He was in our bedroom, on his phone, down in the basement, in the garage. I never knew where he was, or what he was doing. After dinner, he fell asleep on the couch. We had promised to have a long talk about our feelings but he was so tired, and it was my fault so I couldn't be mad.

I bathed the kids, and got them to bed, but because I'd had so little sleep we both agreed I had to get to bed early and we'd talk another time.

My confessions have been made. My husband no longer trusts anything I say. He is losing sleep, and therefore not functioning. It's my fault. He tells me that my blog posts sound like I'm bragging and "proud" of the problems I have. I've been told I must like "drama" because it's around so much, so I guess maybe I do sound that way. Maybe I AM that way. I am ruining my family, and have lost the trust of several friends. It's so easy to believe all the negative things that have been said towards me.