Hungry?

When I was in Jr. High, I remember studying anorexia. I specifically remember thinking "well, that's not so bad! I want to be thin! What's wrong with not eating! I don't see a problem. Why is this considered a disorder?" {FYI, looking back, I'd LOVE to be that "fat" again} I tried it. I wasn't a very good anorexic, but I did skip a LOT of meals. I got to where I was lying about it, and hiding it. I was usually eating about one meal a day, sometimes less, sometimes more. I wasn't a "full-blown" anorexic, but a friend of mine recently said "what's the difference between being "fully" anorexic, and "kind of" anorexic? It's still a problem".

Well, it got pretty bad, and an amazing friend of mine went to her parents about it. She told them what was going on. My parents both worked, and weren't always there to see if I was eating. When they were there, I would eat (at least a little) or say I wasn't hungry that day. But I spent a lot of time with this friend, and she knew the truth. She was worried, and had every right to be. I was doing more than starving myself. I had a very low self-esteem, I wanted to die (well, since I'm being honest, I probably never wanted to die, but I wanted help, and I thought talking about suicide was a good way to get it. I didn't realize that at the time though).

Anyway, because of this friends' help, my mom confronted me. I was SO mad at Kim. I told her we'd never speak again (BTW, over 20 years later, we're still pretty close!) I lied to my parents and said Kim was overreacting. I simply got better at hiding it, and told more lies.

I don't think I realized how bad it was. Then, in 1994 I went to Oakcrest LDS Girls' camp. I had the best time, I learned a lot about the gospel, friendship, the atonement, myself, and most of all, learned to listen to the spirit. Anyway, it's REALLY hard to lie and hide the not-eating problem when you're at a girls' camp and are very close to several other girls and leaders. So, the girls in my cabin probably thought I was just trying to get attention. But my counselor "Duckie" was actually concerned. She went to the director at the camp and asked her to have a chat with me. Duckie had already said some things that helped me out, but I was difficult (admittedly, most teenage girls are difficult). One night, the director ("Sned") pulled me aside after dinner. She said several people were concerned. I was embarrassed, angry, frustrated, depressed, etc. etc. etc. The only thing that really sticks out from that conversation, was that she said "you know, what you eat now, and how you treat your body, will affect your life. It will affect the children you may one day have. It will affect your health more than you can imagine right now." Honestly, the only part I heard was "the children you may one day have." That seriously stopped me. I don't think I struggled with it after that. I wanted to be a mommy. It was one of few dreams I ALWAYS had. I wanted 10 kids, and if I had to eat and be "healthy" (or what everybody else was trying to convince me was healthy) I was going to do it for my kids.

I'm sure Duckie and Sned saved me in so many ways, and I doubt they ever knew what kind of an impact it had on me. Isn't it amazing how somebody can make such an impact on your life, and not know it? I guess we all assume that if someone did something AWESOME, they know how awesome they are. That person just has to know! But it's important to actually say it. Do something about it. I hope to be the type of person that helps, uplifts, and inspires. I like to think I'm a good person, but sometimes I really struggle with my value. I hope that people can speak highly of me, but I know it doesn't always happen. But now, I also want to make sure that the people that touch my life KNOW how much they have touched my life.

I am horrible at expressing myself. I've had many people say they'd love to see me drunk (don't worry, it will never happen) because I hold myself back so much that it'd be fun to see me "uninhibited" like that. I pray all the time that I can be more outgoing, more fun, expressive. I guess I need to accept who I am, but I also want to improve myself. I guess I just hope that all my friends, family, and other loved ones know how much they mean to me. I take my friendships VERY seriously. Some people I consider friends don't even know I think of them as friends.

Well, that's a lot of rambling. But this is for me, and it makes me feel better. I am going to make this "public" goal (to the audience of maybe 2 that read my entries) and say that I want to make sure the people I love KNOW how much they mean to me. I don't want there to be any question.