Coming Home

Thursday July 15, 2011. I was so excited to go see the final Harry Potter movie with one of my best friends. He called me to ask how work had gone, and told me to have a great time at the movie with my friend (normally, he'd be irritated that I was going at all). He said I deserved a night out, because he knew how hard I work to take care of my family and home. (In the past, he had said I don't do enough, and that 'only' working a part-time job outside of the home was a piece of cake.)

Aaron had no idea how close I had come to "calling it quits", so I felt like he couldn't possibly be saying/doing these things just to win me back. He told me about the prayers he had said, and how much it had helped him to "pour his heart out to the Lord". He also mentioned that he had sent my mom an email message, but didn't go into any detail.

At this point, I was trying to figure out if Aaron should come home. I knew he was working hard the make some serious changes in his life. I was torn because I wanted him to come and "prove" that the changes would last, but afraid that if he came home too fast, he'd sink into the depression again, and nothing would improve.

I LOVED the movie, and the time with my friend. It was so nice to enjoy myself. Friday at work, was a whole different story :) I was T-I-R-E-D! But, for the first time, I was actually looking forward to seeing Aaron that afternoon. I actually missed him. I also feared what some other people would think, though. I knew that some people would think I had let him off too easy, and others would think I had been too hard. I knew my parents were worried, and I had a few friends hint at the same fears. I was scared, too. There are no guarantees, he could easily start losing his temper again. He could revert back to his old ways.

I called my mom after work, before Aaron got home. I didn't want to ask "should I let him come home?" but I think she knew that I needed her advice. I was most afraid of what my parents and his mom would say. I could live with the judgements of other friends, and had already done so. My mom said "I got the most amazing e-mail from Aaron. It brought tears to my eyes." I wasn't sure these were good tears "tell me more, Mom?"

Aaron had told her that he was sorry he wasn't being the man she had wanted her daughter to marry. He apologized for past hurts and asked for her forgiveness. He also said he forgave her for anything she may have said that had hurt him. (Aaron is the king of holding grudges, even when we had been separated before, he never let go of certain things. There was one particular instance we all feared he'd NEVER forget about). He closed by promising my mom that he was going to do whatever it takes to be the son she could be proud of, and to be the husband that her daughter deserved.

My mom was crying, and I was STILL numb. I didn't dare believe any of it. But my mom said "Ammie, you can't fake this stuff, it's REAL. He means it."

When Aaron got home from work, Vanessa was throwing one of her FAMOUS tantrums. She had cried for about 30 minutes because I couldn't find her princess water bottle. When I finally found it (hidden behind the TV) she wanted milk, when I got milk, she was already so hysterical that I couldn't understand her last demand. I was getting frustrated, and didn't know what to do. Aaron walked upstairs, and he was bawling. Like he couldn't bear to hear his daughter sad. He took her from me, and found out that she wanted MORE milk in the water bottle. I hadn't filled it enough..... He patiently walked to the fridge, and filled it to the line she was demanding. He held her and said "I'm so sorry Vanessa. I'm sorry for all the things I have done to make you cry." Normally, Aaron would have come home and been upset she was crying. He would have been upset that I wasn't trying hard enough to keep her quiet. Probably would have walked away from the situation all together. Again, this isn't something that can be faked. You could see the pain in his eyes, he was remorseful for what he had done. It was like Heavenly Father had shown him the pain he had caused his family, and he was feeling it for himself.

Aaron sat next to me once Vanessa had calmed down. He was still crying, almost in hysterics himself by now. He had been separated from his family for 12 days now. Aaron told me that he hadn't really slept at all since he left, and he felt his health was failing from the lack of sleep and the amount of stress. He asked me if I was ready for him to come home. I said,
"you ruined my surprise." He didn't understand "I was going to ask you to stay tonight."
"please, please ask me. Say it! I'm so sorry."
"will you stay tonight?"
"those are the greatest words I've ever heard you say!"

He fell into my arms. I was crying, for the first time since I had asked him not to come home. We were both shaking and sobbing, Vanessa was still in his arms, but she didn't seem to mind being squeezed between us. In fact, later that night, she asked us to "hug around her" again.

Honestly, I'm still afraid of the future. If Aaron loses his temper with me or the kids again, it will be the last straw, and he knows it. I was advised by 3 different people to make a list of things Aaron had to do in order to come home, and I am angry at myself for not doing it. We've had very long discussions about it all. He just read all these blog entries, and learned how close he came to losing his family.

Some will say I let him come home too fast, and I am afraid I've already lost at least one friend because of it. Maybe he should have stayed away longer, but I'm the one that has to live with the consequences. We made covenants in the temple, and I intend to honor them, as long as Aaron continues to do his part. The decision is between me, Aaron, and our Heavenly Father. Don't judge me.