A friend of mine said something about the book "Misery" and somehow I convinced myself to read it. I don't normally like Stephen King novels because they are gross, and use a lot of bad language. But the subject came up because of the depression I have been dealing with.
I had a lot of mixed emotions about this book. It was a good book, intriguing. I stayed up past midnight reading it, and normally reading makes me drowsy so that's saying quite a bit. The story is about a woman that holds a man captive and she makes him write a book. If things go differently than she planned, she "loses control" and hurts him or tortures him. It's very descriptive about the torture, one of many reasons I have avoided his books in the past. [More details about the story can be found here.]
On the other hand, this book was frustrating to me. There are parts where he refers to her mood swings as "depressive". The character, Paul, talks about how he hates her the most when she is depressed, and the way things are (around the house and in her personality) when she is depressed is just sickening. It made me think of all the TV shows and movies and books about depression, and how people think everybody with depression is psycho. That's one of many reasons that I rarely talk about it.
Things have come a long way, I know that. My mom tells me about when she was starting anti-depressants (I was about 9 when she finally got some help) and if she talked about it, she got some really hard-to-swallow reactions. Now, people are on anti-depressants more often and it is MORE understood, but the media will have people believe that mental illness=psychosis.
Every murderer in crime TV shows suffered from some sort of mental illness. Every kidnapper, every child abuser, every person that has ever intentionally hurt somebody else had mental illness. This just adds to the view people have that if you have a mental illness, you are "mental". The term "it's all in your head" has taken a whole new meaning. It is, literally, 'in your head' but it is NOT optional. It is actually a treatable, diagnosable, medical condition.
My mom used to tell me that I have a "persecution complex" and that I always thought people were out to get me. This is very true. I am always worried about what other people think of me. I'm a "people watcher", so I tend to notice the way people act when they think nobody is watching. I am also a gossip. It's something I've tried to stop doing countless times. I know it's natural to judge others, and it's easy to assume things by what we observe. So I tend to think others are always doing this to me. (yeah, it's selfish....I'm a selfish person).
The friend that mentioned the book said that listening to me talk about depression made him "flash back" to the book Misery. As I read the book, I was starting thinking that he must either think I'm obsessed with him, or that I'm as messed up as the character Annie (maybe both). Next, I'd think about the few people I have opened up to about my depression. I couldn't help but think that they probably all think I'm psycho. Heck, I think I'm psycho most of the time. Though my closest friends have tried to convince me that they love me, and care about me, I'm only 1/2 convinced. They're saying what they think I should hear; or what I want to hear. Most of the people I've opened up to have not experienced serious depression (yes, they've been depressed, but that's not the same as 'true' depression). So they really don't fully understand what I'm trying to describe, and since I'm not a professional I probably don't do it justice when I describe it.
I guess I'm just getting on my "soap box" again. I have avoided saying that I have a mental illness or an eating disorder, but that's just lying to myself. I have a mental illness. I have an eating disorder. I am seeking help, and hoping that it turns out for the best. Most people with mental illness live "normal" lives, and most of the people around them may not even know about it. Going to a psychiatrist doesn't make me crazy. I do obsess over things (and sometimes people), but that doesn't mean I'm going to kidnap and torture somebody.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
The Forgotten Carols
Last night, Aaron & I went to see The Forgotten Carols, a play written by Michael McLean. I have been a fan of Michael McLean since I was pretty young. My dad somehow got a video of some sort of presentation, more like a fireside, that he once did. He shared personal stories and songs he had written, and it was a HUGE spiritual guidance to me in my life. When some kids in our stake were killed in a car accident, my sister watched that video over and over again to find comfort in the plan of salvation. Michael McLean now has a play on Broadway based on some of the things he said in that video, and since then has released several CDs with more of his music. When people say they like Michael McLean, but have never heard of this video, I say "ha! We Stouts are REAL Michael McLean fans!! We loved his music before most people had heard of him!" I have been attending this play for YEARS and only missed maybe 4 times in the 20 years he's been performing. I can quote most of the play, too. When I was maybe 10 or 11, my sister and I put on a "play" from the book. It wasn't great, but it was fun and it was an awesome way to remember the true spirit of the holiday season.
So, last night, we were at the Forgotten Carols, and these songs, I've heard probably THOUSANDS of times, but yesterday it was like some of them were brand new. The first song is called "Let Him In" and it talks about opening your heart to let the Savior in. I actually closed my eyes, and leaned on Aaron's shoulder and literally tried to open my heart. The spirit POURED in. It was amazing. Later, another song's lines "The King of Kings and Lord of Lords was here, and He will come again!" and it hit me like a ton of bricks, HE WILL come again. I will meet my Heavenly Father, and His son, and what will I say? "I had depression, and it was hard, so I'm sorry I didn't take care of the temple/body that you gave me. It was hard for me to put food in my mouth, healthy or not, because I was dealing with life"? I have been trying to use the scriptures and gospel to help me through this, but that song hit me SO hard. (Probably part of that, is that I was preparing a lesson for my primary class about the 2nd coming).
They sang small portions of songs from Handel's "Messiah" that made me cry. Then, "Mary let me hold her Baby". That song used to be one I didn't like. I just wanted to get to the stuff that applied to my life. But when I got married, and we were trying to have kids, I heard the line "those like me who can't have children still can be Mothers" I bawled like a baby, and the line "something in His eyes convinced me, I could serve so many others" helped me push through the depression of infertility and try to help others, and be the best Aunt I could be.
The song "Three Kings" just has to be quoted:
"Somewhere beneath the glitter,
that comes this time of winter,
in many souls there is a cry.
They may not clearly say it,
but in their hearts they pray it,
and you can see it in their eyes
I can not find my way,
I can not find my way,
I can not find my way at all.
There are so many choices,
so many different voices,
I can not find my way at all."
This is ME. I swear the song was aimed at me last night. I have been so LOST lately, so depressed and confused, frustrated, and hurting. I was trying, (even though it seemed like I wasn't) but I couldn't find my way. Now, this is just the "chorus", the song talks about how the star that guided the wise men to Jesus calls to us today, and we can follow that light, too.
The song, "All I Ever Wanted" I think came out at the 10th anniversary, and I don't know that one as well, but it's message is that all the things we think we want, don't compare to what He gives us that we actually NEED. I started thinking about how badly I wanted to be happy, and how hard I had tried to have kids, and then, how blessed I am to have five amazing kids, a loving husband, a home, a job, etc. etc. etc. I knew that, and thought I appreciated them, (I posted those things, too) but something about the spirit of the song....
After the play and the applause has died down, Michael McLean has everybody in the audience link arms and sing "We can be Together Forever Someday". He asks the audience to think of somebody they love that isn't there, and sing the song to them. Well, I of course thought of Glen and Julie. I have thought about them a few times, but something about all the other things last night, and I started just bawling again. It's been years since the play made me cry, but last night I was a wreck. I look forward to a day when I can see Julie and Glen, meet my Savior, and I hope that I will hear the words "well done, thou good and faithful servant."
To top it off, I got to teach my class about being prepared for the second coming. I didn't really follow the lesson very well, we just talked about what it will be like and what we can do now to be ready. But I was so excited to think that I am on the right road. I am not perfect, and I have a lot of work to do, but I am happy. I have the gospel, and five AMAZING children to teach that to. I am so blessed.
I'm still not 100%, but I know I'm on the right path. I'm so glad I got to share that night with my husband....I love you, FOREVER Aaron.
So, last night, we were at the Forgotten Carols, and these songs, I've heard probably THOUSANDS of times, but yesterday it was like some of them were brand new. The first song is called "Let Him In" and it talks about opening your heart to let the Savior in. I actually closed my eyes, and leaned on Aaron's shoulder and literally tried to open my heart. The spirit POURED in. It was amazing. Later, another song's lines "The King of Kings and Lord of Lords was here, and He will come again!" and it hit me like a ton of bricks, HE WILL come again. I will meet my Heavenly Father, and His son, and what will I say? "I had depression, and it was hard, so I'm sorry I didn't take care of the temple/body that you gave me. It was hard for me to put food in my mouth, healthy or not, because I was dealing with life"? I have been trying to use the scriptures and gospel to help me through this, but that song hit me SO hard. (Probably part of that, is that I was preparing a lesson for my primary class about the 2nd coming).
They sang small portions of songs from Handel's "Messiah" that made me cry. Then, "Mary let me hold her Baby". That song used to be one I didn't like. I just wanted to get to the stuff that applied to my life. But when I got married, and we were trying to have kids, I heard the line "those like me who can't have children still can be Mothers" I bawled like a baby, and the line "something in His eyes convinced me, I could serve so many others" helped me push through the depression of infertility and try to help others, and be the best Aunt I could be.
The song "Three Kings" just has to be quoted:
"Somewhere beneath the glitter,
that comes this time of winter,
in many souls there is a cry.
They may not clearly say it,
but in their hearts they pray it,
and you can see it in their eyes
I can not find my way,
I can not find my way,
I can not find my way at all.
There are so many choices,
so many different voices,
I can not find my way at all."
This is ME. I swear the song was aimed at me last night. I have been so LOST lately, so depressed and confused, frustrated, and hurting. I was trying, (even though it seemed like I wasn't) but I couldn't find my way. Now, this is just the "chorus", the song talks about how the star that guided the wise men to Jesus calls to us today, and we can follow that light, too.
The song, "All I Ever Wanted" I think came out at the 10th anniversary, and I don't know that one as well, but it's message is that all the things we think we want, don't compare to what He gives us that we actually NEED. I started thinking about how badly I wanted to be happy, and how hard I had tried to have kids, and then, how blessed I am to have five amazing kids, a loving husband, a home, a job, etc. etc. etc. I knew that, and thought I appreciated them, (I posted those things, too) but something about the spirit of the song....
After the play and the applause has died down, Michael McLean has everybody in the audience link arms and sing "We can be Together Forever Someday". He asks the audience to think of somebody they love that isn't there, and sing the song to them. Well, I of course thought of Glen and Julie. I have thought about them a few times, but something about all the other things last night, and I started just bawling again. It's been years since the play made me cry, but last night I was a wreck. I look forward to a day when I can see Julie and Glen, meet my Savior, and I hope that I will hear the words "well done, thou good and faithful servant."
To top it off, I got to teach my class about being prepared for the second coming. I didn't really follow the lesson very well, we just talked about what it will be like and what we can do now to be ready. But I was so excited to think that I am on the right road. I am not perfect, and I have a lot of work to do, but I am happy. I have the gospel, and five AMAZING children to teach that to. I am so blessed.
I'm still not 100%, but I know I'm on the right path. I'm so glad I got to share that night with my husband....I love you, FOREVER Aaron.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Normal
This blog was originally intended as a family thing, and I'm just talking about myself..... it's becoming my journal.... Promise once the depression is under control, there will be interesting posts :)
After my last doctor visit I got a higher dosage of the anti-depressant medication, and some anti-anxiety pills. I've been afraid to take the anxiety pills (I know, shocking!) The pills say they are addicting, and I am a person that is easily addicted. Another warning is that it makes it hard to concentrate (I'm already kind of a spacey person) and causes drowsiness (I've fallen asleep driving FOUR times...I don't need to be drowsy on my 45-minute commute every day). I have heard people talk about anxiety and panic attacks, but never fully understood it. It is freaky how one minute, I'm sitting there just fine, and the next minute, I'm having trouble breathing, and feel so overwhelmed I want to cry, or scream.
I have some of the most amazing friends. They have listened to my psycho ramblings for the past few months, and have stood by me when I've been undeserving. They have shown me true Christ-like love. So, thank you Jody, Cameo, Emily, and Angie. More than anyone else, Aaron has had to suffer. He has a vague understanding of depression, since he is struggling with it since his dad died. But he's having a hard time understanding why I'm not eating. I imagine it's aggravating to live with me, but he has been so loving and patient and kind. He buys me flowers, he listens to me, he sends me random text messages. He encourages me every day, and tries not to make me feel like a child. Aaron made me breakfast in bed a few times, too. I am so thankful for him. Without him, and my kids, I am sure this would be a lot worse.
When I sent a text to some of my closest friends stating that the world would be better off without me, I was in my room trying to convince myself not to take an entire bottle of Aaron's anti-anxiety pills. My friend Emily showed up, and just talked. Not even about the depression or what I was going through, just talked, and listened. At one point, Carson started screaming. I went to pick him up, and asked what was wrong. He said "I need my Mommy. I want my Mommy." I bawled like a little child. Aaron & the kids are the real reason that I am fighting this battle. They are the reason I want to continue. I know it seems like I'm giving up, and not trying, but I am, and I am determined to feel "normal" again.
After my last doctor visit I got a higher dosage of the anti-depressant medication, and some anti-anxiety pills. I've been afraid to take the anxiety pills (I know, shocking!) The pills say they are addicting, and I am a person that is easily addicted. Another warning is that it makes it hard to concentrate (I'm already kind of a spacey person) and causes drowsiness (I've fallen asleep driving FOUR times...I don't need to be drowsy on my 45-minute commute every day). I have heard people talk about anxiety and panic attacks, but never fully understood it. It is freaky how one minute, I'm sitting there just fine, and the next minute, I'm having trouble breathing, and feel so overwhelmed I want to cry, or scream.
I have some of the most amazing friends. They have listened to my psycho ramblings for the past few months, and have stood by me when I've been undeserving. They have shown me true Christ-like love. So, thank you Jody, Cameo, Emily, and Angie. More than anyone else, Aaron has had to suffer. He has a vague understanding of depression, since he is struggling with it since his dad died. But he's having a hard time understanding why I'm not eating. I imagine it's aggravating to live with me, but he has been so loving and patient and kind. He buys me flowers, he listens to me, he sends me random text messages. He encourages me every day, and tries not to make me feel like a child. Aaron made me breakfast in bed a few times, too. I am so thankful for him. Without him, and my kids, I am sure this would be a lot worse.
When I sent a text to some of my closest friends stating that the world would be better off without me, I was in my room trying to convince myself not to take an entire bottle of Aaron's anti-anxiety pills. My friend Emily showed up, and just talked. Not even about the depression or what I was going through, just talked, and listened. At one point, Carson started screaming. I went to pick him up, and asked what was wrong. He said "I need my Mommy. I want my Mommy." I bawled like a little child. Aaron & the kids are the real reason that I am fighting this battle. They are the reason I want to continue. I know it seems like I'm giving up, and not trying, but I am, and I am determined to feel "normal" again.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Hungry, part 2
I was going to post this in my last entry, but I was getting long-winded and probably not making much sense. Anyway, I have mentioned a few times now that I'm having a hard time with the depression again. I don't think there's anything specific triggering it.
There is this constant "battle" in my head between good and evil. I realize that everybody has this to a certain extent (Jiminy Cricket anyone?) we all have that voice of reason, and sometimes we fight it. But I really feel like there are two "voices" constantly fighting in my head. Like on those TV shows where there is an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. Only this is REAL, and LOUD. Because I know what it's like, and have experienced this several times before, I almost feel like I'm just watching it from the outside. I know it's happening, but it's out of control. I don't know what to do about it.
My last entry mentioned that I "gave up" the anorexia idea because somebody told me it would affect my future children. Well, recently (after several conversations that made me feel very low) I guess I realized "I'm done having kids. It won't hurt them anymore" and got to thinking that if I didn't eat, I'd be saving money for my family (that's a big plus) and I felt I didn't deserve food anyway, because I was a bad person. A horrible friend, a lazy mom, selfish, mean. You get the idea. Not to mention it feels like my life is completely out of control. Downward spiral with the depression, still arguing with Aaron sometimes, overwhelmed with kids and housework, and stress at work. If I could control this ONE thing in my life, giving up eating was a great idea.
I went for about a week of skipping breakfast and lunch, then eating dinner with my family because that was too hard to hide. I have been fighting the depression for a couple months now, even had my medication doubled (didn't help much). Every day, I have to remind myself that it's not weak of me to eat. That I'm not a bad person for giving in to the hunger I feel.When I do eat, I want to cry because I am weak and couldn't do it, I lost control of this now, on top of everything else. I feel like a strong person wouldn't need food.
One afternoon, a Sunday, I locked my bedroom door to have a "chat" with Heavenly Father. I was trying to ignore the twins banging on my door the whole time, and I knelt down by my bed to have a heart-to-heart. The strong impression I kept getting was "talk to your friends. Tell somebody." I kept asking again, and unfortunately Heavenly Father wouldn't change his answer. I was sure He was wrong. Nope. So, I called Aaron at work. Aaron already knew some of it, but I don't think he realized that I was still fighting this internal battle. He said he was grateful that I was turning to him, and encouraged me to have dinner with the kids. I also sent a text to a few friends. I got lots of encouragement, but was afraid that they were all going to start "babysitting" me, too. I knew that it was what I needed, for people to know so I wouldn't start lying and hiding the problem again. But it sucks to have to rely on your friends so much, too. I HATE being needy, and I think I've been the neediest person around for quite some time now.
It's literally a constant battle for me. Every meal, I have to fight these thoughts of "you big wimp! you can do this, be strong. don't eat! take control!!" and try to encourage the thoughts like "everybody has to eat. you're not weak. take care of your temple." But mostly, I have to "replay" the words of my friends: "not eating, is like banging your head against the floor. It's idiotic to hurt yourself." or "what kind of example are you setting for your girls?" or "it's not weak. you're not weak." I argue with the voice telling me that I don't deserve to eat, because I am a bad person, or that the world, and my family, would be better off without me. I think that Aaron thought this would be short-lived. That once I went a day without skipping a meal, I'd be "cured." but tonight we had a ward Christmas party, and I told him I hated that I had eaten. That I had decided I didn't deserve lunch, had skipped breakfast, and that because I had eaten so much I felt like I needed to go home and throw it all up. I'm still trying to convince myself that it was OK to eat all that food.
I also had a doctor appointment today. I told him that the depression isn't improving since we doubled my dosage, and I'm pretty sure I have anxiety because I keep having panic attacks for no real reason. He asked me about a family history of bi-polar disorder, or schizophrenia. I was kind of freaked out, because I didn't want to have a "serious" mental disorder diagnosis like that. HA. I already have "suicidal ideation" and "depression" on my medical records. But before all that, when the nurse checked my weight, I was SO upset that I hadn't lost any weight with all the meal skipping. I felt like I needed to try harder. I'm still frustrated by it. Literally, another mental battle. He put me on anti-anxiety meds, and I am afraid I'll use them all up too fast! Every day, several panic attacks, and this never-ending mental battle.
Well, that was WAY more than I thought I was going to say. I think I'm done rambling for now.
There is this constant "battle" in my head between good and evil. I realize that everybody has this to a certain extent (Jiminy Cricket anyone?) we all have that voice of reason, and sometimes we fight it. But I really feel like there are two "voices" constantly fighting in my head. Like on those TV shows where there is an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. Only this is REAL, and LOUD. Because I know what it's like, and have experienced this several times before, I almost feel like I'm just watching it from the outside. I know it's happening, but it's out of control. I don't know what to do about it.
My last entry mentioned that I "gave up" the anorexia idea because somebody told me it would affect my future children. Well, recently (after several conversations that made me feel very low) I guess I realized "I'm done having kids. It won't hurt them anymore" and got to thinking that if I didn't eat, I'd be saving money for my family (that's a big plus) and I felt I didn't deserve food anyway, because I was a bad person. A horrible friend, a lazy mom, selfish, mean. You get the idea. Not to mention it feels like my life is completely out of control. Downward spiral with the depression, still arguing with Aaron sometimes, overwhelmed with kids and housework, and stress at work. If I could control this ONE thing in my life, giving up eating was a great idea.
I went for about a week of skipping breakfast and lunch, then eating dinner with my family because that was too hard to hide. I have been fighting the depression for a couple months now, even had my medication doubled (didn't help much). Every day, I have to remind myself that it's not weak of me to eat. That I'm not a bad person for giving in to the hunger I feel.When I do eat, I want to cry because I am weak and couldn't do it, I lost control of this now, on top of everything else. I feel like a strong person wouldn't need food.
One afternoon, a Sunday, I locked my bedroom door to have a "chat" with Heavenly Father. I was trying to ignore the twins banging on my door the whole time, and I knelt down by my bed to have a heart-to-heart. The strong impression I kept getting was "talk to your friends. Tell somebody." I kept asking again, and unfortunately Heavenly Father wouldn't change his answer. I was sure He was wrong. Nope. So, I called Aaron at work. Aaron already knew some of it, but I don't think he realized that I was still fighting this internal battle. He said he was grateful that I was turning to him, and encouraged me to have dinner with the kids. I also sent a text to a few friends. I got lots of encouragement, but was afraid that they were all going to start "babysitting" me, too. I knew that it was what I needed, for people to know so I wouldn't start lying and hiding the problem again. But it sucks to have to rely on your friends so much, too. I HATE being needy, and I think I've been the neediest person around for quite some time now.
It's literally a constant battle for me. Every meal, I have to fight these thoughts of "you big wimp! you can do this, be strong. don't eat! take control!!" and try to encourage the thoughts like "everybody has to eat. you're not weak. take care of your temple." But mostly, I have to "replay" the words of my friends: "not eating, is like banging your head against the floor. It's idiotic to hurt yourself." or "what kind of example are you setting for your girls?" or "it's not weak. you're not weak." I argue with the voice telling me that I don't deserve to eat, because I am a bad person, or that the world, and my family, would be better off without me. I think that Aaron thought this would be short-lived. That once I went a day without skipping a meal, I'd be "cured." but tonight we had a ward Christmas party, and I told him I hated that I had eaten. That I had decided I didn't deserve lunch, had skipped breakfast, and that because I had eaten so much I felt like I needed to go home and throw it all up. I'm still trying to convince myself that it was OK to eat all that food.
I also had a doctor appointment today. I told him that the depression isn't improving since we doubled my dosage, and I'm pretty sure I have anxiety because I keep having panic attacks for no real reason. He asked me about a family history of bi-polar disorder, or schizophrenia. I was kind of freaked out, because I didn't want to have a "serious" mental disorder diagnosis like that. HA. I already have "suicidal ideation" and "depression" on my medical records. But before all that, when the nurse checked my weight, I was SO upset that I hadn't lost any weight with all the meal skipping. I felt like I needed to try harder. I'm still frustrated by it. Literally, another mental battle. He put me on anti-anxiety meds, and I am afraid I'll use them all up too fast! Every day, several panic attacks, and this never-ending mental battle.
Well, that was WAY more than I thought I was going to say. I think I'm done rambling for now.
Hungry?
When I was in Jr. High, I remember studying anorexia. I specifically remember thinking "well, that's not so bad! I want to be thin! What's wrong with not eating! I don't see a problem. Why is this considered a disorder?" {FYI, looking back, I'd LOVE to be that "fat" again} I tried it. I wasn't a very good anorexic, but I did skip a LOT of meals. I got to where I was lying about it, and hiding it. I was usually eating about one meal a day, sometimes less, sometimes more. I wasn't a "full-blown" anorexic, but a friend of mine recently said "what's the difference between being "fully" anorexic, and "kind of" anorexic? It's still a problem".
Well, it got pretty bad, and an amazing friend of mine went to her parents about it. She told them what was going on. My parents both worked, and weren't always there to see if I was eating. When they were there, I would eat (at least a little) or say I wasn't hungry that day. But I spent a lot of time with this friend, and she knew the truth. She was worried, and had every right to be. I was doing more than starving myself. I had a very low self-esteem, I wanted to die (well, since I'm being honest, I probably never wanted to die, but I wanted help, and I thought talking about suicide was a good way to get it. I didn't realize that at the time though).
Anyway, because of this friends' help, my mom confronted me. I was SO mad at Kim. I told her we'd never speak again (BTW, over 20 years later, we're still pretty close!) I lied to my parents and said Kim was overreacting. I simply got better at hiding it, and told more lies.
I don't think I realized how bad it was. Then, in 1994 I went to Oakcrest LDS Girls' camp. I had the best time, I learned a lot about the gospel, friendship, the atonement, myself, and most of all, learned to listen to the spirit. Anyway, it's REALLY hard to lie and hide the not-eating problem when you're at a girls' camp and are very close to several other girls and leaders. So, the girls in my cabin probably thought I was just trying to get attention. But my counselor "Duckie" was actually concerned. She went to the director at the camp and asked her to have a chat with me. Duckie had already said some things that helped me out, but I was difficult (admittedly, most teenage girls are difficult). One night, the director ("Sned") pulled me aside after dinner. She said several people were concerned. I was embarrassed, angry, frustrated, depressed, etc. etc. etc. The only thing that really sticks out from that conversation, was that she said "you know, what you eat now, and how you treat your body, will affect your life. It will affect the children you may one day have. It will affect your health more than you can imagine right now." Honestly, the only part I heard was "the children you may one day have." That seriously stopped me. I don't think I struggled with it after that. I wanted to be a mommy. It was one of few dreams I ALWAYS had. I wanted 10 kids, and if I had to eat and be "healthy" (or what everybody else was trying to convince me was healthy) I was going to do it for my kids.
I'm sure Duckie and Sned saved me in so many ways, and I doubt they ever knew what kind of an impact it had on me. Isn't it amazing how somebody can make such an impact on your life, and not know it? I guess we all assume that if someone did something AWESOME, they know how awesome they are. That person just has to know! But it's important to actually say it. Do something about it. I hope to be the type of person that helps, uplifts, and inspires. I like to think I'm a good person, but sometimes I really struggle with my value. I hope that people can speak highly of me, but I know it doesn't always happen. But now, I also want to make sure that the people that touch my life KNOW how much they have touched my life.
I am horrible at expressing myself. I've had many people say they'd love to see me drunk (don't worry, it will never happen) because I hold myself back so much that it'd be fun to see me "uninhibited" like that. I pray all the time that I can be more outgoing, more fun, expressive. I guess I need to accept who I am, but I also want to improve myself. I guess I just hope that all my friends, family, and other loved ones know how much they mean to me. I take my friendships VERY seriously. Some people I consider friends don't even know I think of them as friends.
Well, that's a lot of rambling. But this is for me, and it makes me feel better. I am going to make this "public" goal (to the audience of maybe 2 that read my entries) and say that I want to make sure the people I love KNOW how much they mean to me. I don't want there to be any question.
Well, it got pretty bad, and an amazing friend of mine went to her parents about it. She told them what was going on. My parents both worked, and weren't always there to see if I was eating. When they were there, I would eat (at least a little) or say I wasn't hungry that day. But I spent a lot of time with this friend, and she knew the truth. She was worried, and had every right to be. I was doing more than starving myself. I had a very low self-esteem, I wanted to die (well, since I'm being honest, I probably never wanted to die, but I wanted help, and I thought talking about suicide was a good way to get it. I didn't realize that at the time though).
Anyway, because of this friends' help, my mom confronted me. I was SO mad at Kim. I told her we'd never speak again (BTW, over 20 years later, we're still pretty close!) I lied to my parents and said Kim was overreacting. I simply got better at hiding it, and told more lies.
I don't think I realized how bad it was. Then, in 1994 I went to Oakcrest LDS Girls' camp. I had the best time, I learned a lot about the gospel, friendship, the atonement, myself, and most of all, learned to listen to the spirit. Anyway, it's REALLY hard to lie and hide the not-eating problem when you're at a girls' camp and are very close to several other girls and leaders. So, the girls in my cabin probably thought I was just trying to get attention. But my counselor "Duckie" was actually concerned. She went to the director at the camp and asked her to have a chat with me. Duckie had already said some things that helped me out, but I was difficult (admittedly, most teenage girls are difficult). One night, the director ("Sned") pulled me aside after dinner. She said several people were concerned. I was embarrassed, angry, frustrated, depressed, etc. etc. etc. The only thing that really sticks out from that conversation, was that she said "you know, what you eat now, and how you treat your body, will affect your life. It will affect the children you may one day have. It will affect your health more than you can imagine right now." Honestly, the only part I heard was "the children you may one day have." That seriously stopped me. I don't think I struggled with it after that. I wanted to be a mommy. It was one of few dreams I ALWAYS had. I wanted 10 kids, and if I had to eat and be "healthy" (or what everybody else was trying to convince me was healthy) I was going to do it for my kids.
I'm sure Duckie and Sned saved me in so many ways, and I doubt they ever knew what kind of an impact it had on me. Isn't it amazing how somebody can make such an impact on your life, and not know it? I guess we all assume that if someone did something AWESOME, they know how awesome they are. That person just has to know! But it's important to actually say it. Do something about it. I hope to be the type of person that helps, uplifts, and inspires. I like to think I'm a good person, but sometimes I really struggle with my value. I hope that people can speak highly of me, but I know it doesn't always happen. But now, I also want to make sure that the people that touch my life KNOW how much they have touched my life.
I am horrible at expressing myself. I've had many people say they'd love to see me drunk (don't worry, it will never happen) because I hold myself back so much that it'd be fun to see me "uninhibited" like that. I pray all the time that I can be more outgoing, more fun, expressive. I guess I need to accept who I am, but I also want to improve myself. I guess I just hope that all my friends, family, and other loved ones know how much they mean to me. I take my friendships VERY seriously. Some people I consider friends don't even know I think of them as friends.
Well, that's a lot of rambling. But this is for me, and it makes me feel better. I am going to make this "public" goal (to the audience of maybe 2 that read my entries) and say that I want to make sure the people I love KNOW how much they mean to me. I don't want there to be any question.
More Gratitude
Well, I actually remembered to get on and put the rest of my "thankful posts" from FB:
Day 17:
Day 17:
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Gratitude Attitude
I am feeling pretty crazy today. I don't know what to post, but feel like posting. Lame, I know.... I created one post that I didn't publish. Maybe one day some of it will be on here. Anyway....
I have been on this roller coaster at work, and at home. Seems like for every "up", there are 3 "downs". Aaron is still doing pretty good, he's had a couple of small relapses to the "old way" but he is doing great. We've gotten through it, and talked it out. That's HUGE for us. He has pointed out that I'm not making any changes, I'm still the same old me, and he has made some miraculous changes. I'm trying. But I'm just stuck in the depression, and can't seem to find the way out.
My job is stress lately. I had a friend accuse me of something, and then a few days later another friend accused me of almost the exact same thing. It made me hit rock bottom that people I consider friends would think so little of me. I started thinking of all the negative comments that have been made toward me, and decided I MUST be the type of person they were saying. Some of the things bouncing in my head were:
"you are not a good person"
"many people are hurt by your deception, and dishonesty"
"you do good things, but are not a good person"
"you're mean"
"you're still the same person you've always been, and it sucks"
"you should think about consequences your actions before you make them"
"I can't believe you'd do that"
"you're a horrible person"
"you are a liar"
There were many more, but I think that's enough of a reminder for me :) Well, no matter how hard my REAL friends tried to convince me otherwise, all I could think of were those hurtful statements. WHY is it so easy to hold on to the negative? So hard to remember the good things? I know that mostly it's the depression, but I also know that everybody does this to a certain degree.
I have been trying to focus on the good things in my life. One of the facebook trends is to post something you're grateful for every day. So, it's the 16th today, and I'm going to re-post all my gratitude things so they're all in one place:
Day 1: I'm thankful for FAMILY. Siblings, parents, children, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws. All of them. Because they're there for you NO MATTER WHAT!
Day 2:
Day 3:
Day 4:
Day 5:
Day 6:
Day 7:
Day 8:
Day 9:
Day 10:
Day 11:
Day 12:
Day 13: I'm thankful for date nights, and good babysitters.
Day 14:
Day 15:
Day 16:
I have been on this roller coaster at work, and at home. Seems like for every "up", there are 3 "downs". Aaron is still doing pretty good, he's had a couple of small relapses to the "old way" but he is doing great. We've gotten through it, and talked it out. That's HUGE for us. He has pointed out that I'm not making any changes, I'm still the same old me, and he has made some miraculous changes. I'm trying. But I'm just stuck in the depression, and can't seem to find the way out.
My job is stress lately. I had a friend accuse me of something, and then a few days later another friend accused me of almost the exact same thing. It made me hit rock bottom that people I consider friends would think so little of me. I started thinking of all the negative comments that have been made toward me, and decided I MUST be the type of person they were saying. Some of the things bouncing in my head were:
"you are not a good person"
"many people are hurt by your deception, and dishonesty"
"you do good things, but are not a good person"
"you're mean"
"you're still the same person you've always been, and it sucks"
"you should think about consequences your actions before you make them"
"I can't believe you'd do that"
"you're a horrible person"
"you are a liar"
There were many more, but I think that's enough of a reminder for me :) Well, no matter how hard my REAL friends tried to convince me otherwise, all I could think of were those hurtful statements. WHY is it so easy to hold on to the negative? So hard to remember the good things? I know that mostly it's the depression, but I also know that everybody does this to a certain degree.
I have been trying to focus on the good things in my life. One of the facebook trends is to post something you're grateful for every day. So, it's the 16th today, and I'm going to re-post all my gratitude things so they're all in one place:
Day 1: I'm thankful for FAMILY. Siblings, parents, children, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws. All of them. Because they're there for you NO MATTER WHAT!
Day 2:
Day 3:
Day 4:
Day 5:
Day 6:
Day 7:
Day 8:
Day 9:
Day 10:
Day 11:
Day 12:
Day 13: I'm thankful for date nights, and good babysitters.
Day 14:
Day 15:
Day 16:
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