Friends....

In a previous post, here I talked about being true to oneself. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I've had a lot of "epiphanies" the last couple of weeks, and it's been eye-opening, and very depressing. I also previously mentioned (another link, you ask?) how we, as people, often "project" our faults onto other people. So, in my "awakening" I have realized that a lot of the qualities I have despised in other people, are qualities I have myself! It frustrates me that I have been so blind to my own faults for so long. I thought I was a completely different person than I really am! That is not easy to swallow.

It seems I am afraid to believe in the good, so it's like I'm always "looking" for drama, yet I despise the way people seem to thrive on drama!! I wonder if I ever had a true eating disorder. Yes, I still hear "ED" a lot, and feel like I'm having that constant, internal battle of wills. But I'm really weird in the way I handled it. Was it really because my mom taught me to understand depression, and look for help quickly when I recognize it? Or am I just an attention-seeker? I HATE when people fake things for attention.

I told Sharon that I am really having a hard time with all this "self-discovery". It's very depressing to realize that you have all these qualities you despise. I have been really disgusted knowing that others have probably seen it that way all along. I've always thought I was very self-aware; yet, I've always been blind to these things. Sharon said "it does suck! But, it's also very important in the healing and "fixing" process." well, that felt good, knowing I actually did something right in all this. But it's so depressing to me.

I am, however, trying to stay positive. Obviously, people that knew a lot of these faults in me still managed to stay in my life. Have you ever had one of those friends that cares, unconditionally, no matter how you treat them? No matter how crappy a friend you've been in return? Regardless of your faults? A friend that can say things that really sting, but only because they actually LOVE you and want to help you? I have a handful of very close friends that have seen me at my worst, like when my meds stopped working, or when I was on the wrong ones, when I was struggling with my marriage; all the while, I'm doing the things I despise in other people, and they have stood by me anyway. They probably didn't like that part of me, either, but they put up with it because they are good friends. I'm sure that some of them have seen right through me, all along, and yet......they showed only kindness.

I was pretty closed-minded before. I'm trying really hard to keep an open mind, and remind myself frequently that the reason I am here on Earth is to learn and grow. To make mistakes, and learn from them. I'm still young and I have (hopefully!) plenty of time to try and fix the crazy quirks and qualities I have.