Drama

I absolutely HATE drama. I have been judgmental of others that seem to have never-ending drama in their lives. I think they are exaggerating, and/or trying to make it seem like they are always the innocent party. I hate when people can't accept responsibility for their own actions, and blame everybody around them for the "drama". I find myself in the midst of so much of it lately, I'm beginning to think I am the cause of it all. If I view others as unable to accept responsibility, I better be willing to accept responsibility myself! All of this makes me really depressed. I "hate" myself. Not in the depressed-I-want-to-die kind of hate, but the I-can't-believe-I-am-that-person" kind of hate. I realize that makes very little sense. What's new, right?.....

With Aaron in the psych ward, I was at first pretty quiet about it all. Only two people at work, and a handful of ward members really knew details of what was going on, but eventually I started telling more people. I wasn't trying to gain sympathy (though I'm sure it seemed that way at times) and I didn't want attention. I just feel like there's no point keeping it "secret". Heavenly Father's judgement is the only one that matters, right? So, when I said something about it to a couple of people and they said "I heard something about it, but not much" I wondered who told them. Not that I cared, because I was the one giving details they didn't have before, but I did ask the two coworkers who they had mentioned it to. (Again, not because I wanted it kept quiet, I just wondered how many people had 'heard something' so that I wouldn't be surprised)

One of those coworkers thought I was accusing him of spreading rumors about me. Or pretended to think so, anyway. I'm having a hard time believe anything people say to me anymore, I've been lied to a lot in the past several years, and when I'm depressed or stressed or overwhelmed, it's especially hard to see things clearly. I blew something totally out of proportion, and basically made a mountain out of an ant hill. This is not the first time I've done so, this person alone has probably seen me do this at least 10-20 times.

Sunday night, I asked my dad to give me a priesthood blessing. He asked me what was going on, and I told him that it's probably all my own stupidity and immaturity, but I had been offended and then overreacted and I was worried about how to handle things at work. The blessing was, as always, amazing. I was reminded of Heavenly Father's love for me, (and all of His children) and told that sometimes "mind games" that begin in fun end up hurting people. This person never meant to make me mad, and I made a stupid choice to get upset about it all. Now, instead of being hurt, offended, or angry I am simply depressed. I really know how to screw things up.

A few months ago, I had an issue with another coworker's wife. She made some pretty strong accusations, but had nothing to back it up. I am still trying to recover from the attacks she made on my character. I saved her text messages and re-read them frequently to remind myself of how horrible a person/friend I was to her. Every time that something else "dramatic" happens, I start to remember how she viewed me and sink lower and lower. It's SO easy to remember the negative!!

Just like this more recent situation, I was originally angry with the other person, then felt I was responsible and became depressed. Somebody (ironically, the person I am currently struggling with) told me that she was like the people in the great and spacious building in Lehi's dream, laughing and mocking me on my path.

I'm depressed, again. It sucks. I hate the way that these things get to me so easily. I'm trying to rely on the atonement and "let it go". I guess I'll be reading The Peace Maker again. This has already been suffered for, and I need to forgive myself, and forget about my stupid mistakes. At least this time I know how to get through it, and I know that it won't last forever. In the past my depression has been so dark I could almost feel it, and wondered if there would ever be light again. I know that I'll make it, because I have some awesome friends that dropped everything Friday night to hang out with me and support me. I have a husband that stands by my side, even though I'm being stupid and immature, and he doesn't understand. I have parents that will do whatever it takes to show their support, and make arrangements in their schedules to make sure I get a desperately needed priesthood blessing. I will get through this.