Friday afternoon, after I 'asked' Aaron to stay home, we decided to have a mini celebration. Took a little $ out of savings, and took the family out to dinner. Probably not the greatest idea, since we don't do that kind of thing very often the kids get really loud and hyper when we do it. They were bouncing off the walls. On the other hand, it was great to see Aaron handle the kids so calmly. He has never done that before. EVER. He didn't have to be asked to help the kids with their food, or to flag down the waiter if I wasn't paying attention, he was offering to do things, and I often caught him staring at me like we were newlyweds again. Even with all the chaos of our kids playing at the table in Winger's, he managed to stay calm and collected. But he was also ENJOYING it. He liked the chaos. He wasn't overwhelmed.
I'm not saying that I think everything is already better, but things have improved so drastically that it's hard to comprehend without having gone through it yourself. Aaron still has counseling appointments every week, and we have marriage counseling every week. His counselor suggested he may need anti-anxiety meds AND anti-depressants for a while. If his seizure meds ever have a dosage change, we know what to expect and we will be proactive. We do have plans in place, we're not entering into this blindly.
Saturday morning, Aaron was at work and I almost forgot that he had been home the night before. But the spirit in our home had changed, and the previous tensions were almost gone. When Aaron got home, we were all excited to see him again. He walked in the house happy, and called out to the kids for hugs and kisses. In the past, he would come home quietly, and then be disappointed that we didn't all go out of our way to welcome him home. It's something I never thought I'd see, for Aaron to be so proactive in the relationship with his kids. He asked me to sit down with him for a minute, at which point he quoted a poem he had written me. (He may have to type that up as a guest post)
Later that night, we had plans to go see a fireworks show in a nearby city. They have carnival rides, food, vendor booths, etc. so our group got there early to eat and look around. We did the same thing last year, and here's a good comparison of how things have changed.
Last year, Aaron was irritated whenever the kids wanted to do anything besides sit still or play quietly.
This year, Aaron wanted the kids to play with him, and walk around and explore.
Last year, he wanted to sit in the van for the fireworks, because then the kids would all be buckled in, our stuff would be packed up, and we could get out of there fast.
This year, he laid out extra blankets for the fireworks, and was in no hurry to leave afterwards because he was enjoying the excitement our kids felt.
There is more, but these are the most obvious.
Sunday morning, I woke up to Aaron whispering and stroking my cheek. He had prepared breakfast for me. The kids were all still sleeping, so we sat in the bed and ate together, like newlyweds again. We looked in each others eyes, held hands, and sat quietly together. I am in love with my husband, all over again.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Coming Home
Thursday July 15, 2011. I was so excited to go see the final Harry Potter movie with one of my best friends. He called me to ask how work had gone, and told me to have a great time at the movie with my friend (normally, he'd be irritated that I was going at all). He said I deserved a night out, because he knew how hard I work to take care of my family and home. (In the past, he had said I don't do enough, and that 'only' working a part-time job outside of the home was a piece of cake.)
Aaron had no idea how close I had come to "calling it quits", so I felt like he couldn't possibly be saying/doing these things just to win me back. He told me about the prayers he had said, and how much it had helped him to "pour his heart out to the Lord". He also mentioned that he had sent my mom an email message, but didn't go into any detail.
At this point, I was trying to figure out if Aaron should come home. I knew he was working hard the make some serious changes in his life. I was torn because I wanted him to come and "prove" that the changes would last, but afraid that if he came home too fast, he'd sink into the depression again, and nothing would improve.
I LOVED the movie, and the time with my friend. It was so nice to enjoy myself. Friday at work, was a whole different story :) I was T-I-R-E-D! But, for the first time, I was actually looking forward to seeing Aaron that afternoon. I actually missed him. I also feared what some other people would think, though. I knew that some people would think I had let him off too easy, and others would think I had been too hard. I knew my parents were worried, and I had a few friends hint at the same fears. I was scared, too. There are no guarantees, he could easily start losing his temper again. He could revert back to his old ways.
I called my mom after work, before Aaron got home. I didn't want to ask "should I let him come home?" but I think she knew that I needed her advice. I was most afraid of what my parents and his mom would say. I could live with the judgements of other friends, and had already done so. My mom said "I got the most amazing e-mail from Aaron. It brought tears to my eyes." I wasn't sure these were good tears "tell me more, Mom?"
Aaron had told her that he was sorry he wasn't being the man she had wanted her daughter to marry. He apologized for past hurts and asked for her forgiveness. He also said he forgave her for anything she may have said that had hurt him. (Aaron is the king of holding grudges, even when we had been separated before, he never let go of certain things. There was one particular instance we all feared he'd NEVER forget about). He closed by promising my mom that he was going to do whatever it takes to be the son she could be proud of, and to be the husband that her daughter deserved.
My mom was crying, and I was STILL numb. I didn't dare believe any of it. But my mom said "Ammie, you can't fake this stuff, it's REAL. He means it."
When Aaron got home from work, Vanessa was throwing one of her FAMOUS tantrums. She had cried for about 30 minutes because I couldn't find her princess water bottle. When I finally found it (hidden behind the TV) she wanted milk, when I got milk, she was already so hysterical that I couldn't understand her last demand. I was getting frustrated, and didn't know what to do. Aaron walked upstairs, and he was bawling. Like he couldn't bear to hear his daughter sad. He took her from me, and found out that she wanted MORE milk in the water bottle. I hadn't filled it enough..... He patiently walked to the fridge, and filled it to the line she was demanding. He held her and said "I'm so sorry Vanessa. I'm sorry for all the things I have done to make you cry." Normally, Aaron would have come home and been upset she was crying. He would have been upset that I wasn't trying hard enough to keep her quiet. Probably would have walked away from the situation all together. Again, this isn't something that can be faked. You could see the pain in his eyes, he was remorseful for what he had done. It was like Heavenly Father had shown him the pain he had caused his family, and he was feeling it for himself.
Aaron sat next to me once Vanessa had calmed down. He was still crying, almost in hysterics himself by now. He had been separated from his family for 12 days now. Aaron told me that he hadn't really slept at all since he left, and he felt his health was failing from the lack of sleep and the amount of stress. He asked me if I was ready for him to come home. I said,
"you ruined my surprise." He didn't understand "I was going to ask you to stay tonight."
"please, please ask me. Say it! I'm so sorry."
"will you stay tonight?"
"those are the greatest words I've ever heard you say!"
He fell into my arms. I was crying, for the first time since I had asked him not to come home. We were both shaking and sobbing, Vanessa was still in his arms, but she didn't seem to mind being squeezed between us. In fact, later that night, she asked us to "hug around her" again.
Honestly, I'm still afraid of the future. If Aaron loses his temper with me or the kids again, it will be the last straw, and he knows it. I was advised by 3 different people to make a list of things Aaron had to do in order to come home, and I am angry at myself for not doing it. We've had very long discussions about it all. He just read all these blog entries, and learned how close he came to losing his family.
Some will say I let him come home too fast, and I am afraid I've already lost at least one friend because of it. Maybe he should have stayed away longer, but I'm the one that has to live with the consequences. We made covenants in the temple, and I intend to honor them, as long as Aaron continues to do his part. The decision is between me, Aaron, and our Heavenly Father. Don't judge me.
Aaron had no idea how close I had come to "calling it quits", so I felt like he couldn't possibly be saying/doing these things just to win me back. He told me about the prayers he had said, and how much it had helped him to "pour his heart out to the Lord". He also mentioned that he had sent my mom an email message, but didn't go into any detail.
At this point, I was trying to figure out if Aaron should come home. I knew he was working hard the make some serious changes in his life. I was torn because I wanted him to come and "prove" that the changes would last, but afraid that if he came home too fast, he'd sink into the depression again, and nothing would improve.
I LOVED the movie, and the time with my friend. It was so nice to enjoy myself. Friday at work, was a whole different story :) I was T-I-R-E-D! But, for the first time, I was actually looking forward to seeing Aaron that afternoon. I actually missed him. I also feared what some other people would think, though. I knew that some people would think I had let him off too easy, and others would think I had been too hard. I knew my parents were worried, and I had a few friends hint at the same fears. I was scared, too. There are no guarantees, he could easily start losing his temper again. He could revert back to his old ways.
I called my mom after work, before Aaron got home. I didn't want to ask "should I let him come home?" but I think she knew that I needed her advice. I was most afraid of what my parents and his mom would say. I could live with the judgements of other friends, and had already done so. My mom said "I got the most amazing e-mail from Aaron. It brought tears to my eyes." I wasn't sure these were good tears "tell me more, Mom?"
Aaron had told her that he was sorry he wasn't being the man she had wanted her daughter to marry. He apologized for past hurts and asked for her forgiveness. He also said he forgave her for anything she may have said that had hurt him. (Aaron is the king of holding grudges, even when we had been separated before, he never let go of certain things. There was one particular instance we all feared he'd NEVER forget about). He closed by promising my mom that he was going to do whatever it takes to be the son she could be proud of, and to be the husband that her daughter deserved.
My mom was crying, and I was STILL numb. I didn't dare believe any of it. But my mom said "Ammie, you can't fake this stuff, it's REAL. He means it."
When Aaron got home from work, Vanessa was throwing one of her FAMOUS tantrums. She had cried for about 30 minutes because I couldn't find her princess water bottle. When I finally found it (hidden behind the TV) she wanted milk, when I got milk, she was already so hysterical that I couldn't understand her last demand. I was getting frustrated, and didn't know what to do. Aaron walked upstairs, and he was bawling. Like he couldn't bear to hear his daughter sad. He took her from me, and found out that she wanted MORE milk in the water bottle. I hadn't filled it enough..... He patiently walked to the fridge, and filled it to the line she was demanding. He held her and said "I'm so sorry Vanessa. I'm sorry for all the things I have done to make you cry." Normally, Aaron would have come home and been upset she was crying. He would have been upset that I wasn't trying hard enough to keep her quiet. Probably would have walked away from the situation all together. Again, this isn't something that can be faked. You could see the pain in his eyes, he was remorseful for what he had done. It was like Heavenly Father had shown him the pain he had caused his family, and he was feeling it for himself.
Aaron sat next to me once Vanessa had calmed down. He was still crying, almost in hysterics himself by now. He had been separated from his family for 12 days now. Aaron told me that he hadn't really slept at all since he left, and he felt his health was failing from the lack of sleep and the amount of stress. He asked me if I was ready for him to come home. I said,
"you ruined my surprise." He didn't understand "I was going to ask you to stay tonight."
"please, please ask me. Say it! I'm so sorry."
"will you stay tonight?"
"those are the greatest words I've ever heard you say!"
He fell into my arms. I was crying, for the first time since I had asked him not to come home. We were both shaking and sobbing, Vanessa was still in his arms, but she didn't seem to mind being squeezed between us. In fact, later that night, she asked us to "hug around her" again.
Honestly, I'm still afraid of the future. If Aaron loses his temper with me or the kids again, it will be the last straw, and he knows it. I was advised by 3 different people to make a list of things Aaron had to do in order to come home, and I am angry at myself for not doing it. We've had very long discussions about it all. He just read all these blog entries, and learned how close he came to losing his family.
Some will say I let him come home too fast, and I am afraid I've already lost at least one friend because of it. Maybe he should have stayed away longer, but I'm the one that has to live with the consequences. We made covenants in the temple, and I intend to honor them, as long as Aaron continues to do his part. The decision is between me, Aaron, and our Heavenly Father. Don't judge me.
Marriage Counseling
On Wednesday, we had our first marriage counseling appointment. It was nothing spectacular, the guy mostly just talked about what we could expect from him in the coming appointments. Honestly, I don't think Aaron or I said anything, because he was too busy talking. But, we both left the appointment happy with him. We both thought he was a refreshing change to the last marriage counselor we had talked to. (The last one seemed to find it entertaining to ask us what bothered us about each other, then sit back and watch us fight). We were hopeful.
The real "fun" came when we got home from the counselor. Aaron normally watches TV while I get the kids ready for bed, and then halfheartedly listens to family prayer. I don't mean to bad mouth my husband, but that's how it is. He never offered to give the prayer, and wasn't usually very excited about the idea of turning off the TV long enough to pray. As soon as the prayer was over, he turned the TV on and I tucked the kids in by myself. He occasionally gave them hugs and kisses, but only if I told the kids to do it first.
This night was different. He got kids in their pajamas without being asked. He helped brush their teeth, and he wanted to read them stories. Aaron asked if he could offer the family prayer. He wanted us to kneel down together. His prayer was heartfelt and sincere, the spirit was in our home again. There was nothing "amazing" about the prayer, it was simple. But it was honest. Once prayer was over, he walked down the hall with the kids, made sure each of them got a hug, kiss and "I love you" from their dad. He read another book to Nathanael because he was sad that the book he wanted hadn't been read before. Now, I know what it sounds like. The typical abuser, pretending to have "changed" so the abused will take them back. Aaron's sincerity was crystal clear, and he had no idea how close I had come to filing for divorce. He didn't know I had made the decision to stop trying to "fix" everything. You can't fake this stuff. The spirit was, again, telling me that he was coming back.
We talked for about an hour after the kids went to bed. It was so good to hold his hand, and kneel by our bed together as we prayed. Most of our past prayers consisted of him laying in bed, hands on his chest. There was never a change in the prayers, just the "typical" things. I tried, but the spirit was never really in it when we prayed together. Aaron left for his mom's house, and I tried to sort out my feelings. I thought I had made my decision. The counseling was just so I could say I had tried. I didn't think it was going to help, and honestly, it really hadn't. But, something else was happening.
The real "fun" came when we got home from the counselor. Aaron normally watches TV while I get the kids ready for bed, and then halfheartedly listens to family prayer. I don't mean to bad mouth my husband, but that's how it is. He never offered to give the prayer, and wasn't usually very excited about the idea of turning off the TV long enough to pray. As soon as the prayer was over, he turned the TV on and I tucked the kids in by myself. He occasionally gave them hugs and kisses, but only if I told the kids to do it first.
This night was different. He got kids in their pajamas without being asked. He helped brush their teeth, and he wanted to read them stories. Aaron asked if he could offer the family prayer. He wanted us to kneel down together. His prayer was heartfelt and sincere, the spirit was in our home again. There was nothing "amazing" about the prayer, it was simple. But it was honest. Once prayer was over, he walked down the hall with the kids, made sure each of them got a hug, kiss and "I love you" from their dad. He read another book to Nathanael because he was sad that the book he wanted hadn't been read before. Now, I know what it sounds like. The typical abuser, pretending to have "changed" so the abused will take them back. Aaron's sincerity was crystal clear, and he had no idea how close I had come to filing for divorce. He didn't know I had made the decision to stop trying to "fix" everything. You can't fake this stuff. The spirit was, again, telling me that he was coming back.
We talked for about an hour after the kids went to bed. It was so good to hold his hand, and kneel by our bed together as we prayed. Most of our past prayers consisted of him laying in bed, hands on his chest. There was never a change in the prayers, just the "typical" things. I tried, but the spirit was never really in it when we prayed together. Aaron left for his mom's house, and I tried to sort out my feelings. I thought I had made my decision. The counseling was just so I could say I had tried. I didn't think it was going to help, and honestly, it really hadn't. But, something else was happening.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Child Protective Services
My sister called me on Monday, July 11 to inform me she had called child protective services about the "incident" with Vanessa. I was pretty scared that they'd put me under a microscope and find all my faults. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I was still nervous. I had several friends tell me "I was GOING to call, but...." (you fill in the blanks). I was frustrated that so many people knew how bad it had gotten, apparently I had been "blinded by love" and I was angry that nobody had helped before. But, it also made me appreciate the steps my sister took. It wasn't easy on her. She was afraid Aaron would hate her forever, and she told me that she had been praying that one day, Aaron would forgive her (maybe even thank her for it.)
On Tuesday, July 12, my babysitter, Sherry, called me at work and said "there's a social worker here, and he wants to know if he can talk to your kids without you?" My first ever panic attack hit hard. My heart was beating so fast my chest was hurting, I thought I was going to throw up. My head was spinning. I don't know why it scared me so bad, but I wasn't there, and a social worker was at my house. I left work in a hurry. The whole drive home I was trying to calm myself down, but the ache in my chest and the nausea wouldn't go away. I called a friend, no answer. Called another friend, and she just listened while I rambled about my fears.
When I got home, I saw the car in the driveway. Aaron was there. And so was a social worker. If I thought I had been sick before, I was wrong. This was a whole new level of fear. Aaron was going to be SO mad. He was probably holding it together, but I was sure that things were going to end after he was told that he was abusive. Especially if he ever found out that it was my sister that called. I could hardly see straight, I was so scared. I walked up the stairs, trying not to pass out. I heard my name called, and attempted to sound firm "yep" It was not as strong as I had hoped, you could tell in my voice how scared I was. I walked around the corner, and saw Aaron on the couch, red eyes, sitting across from the caseworker. I took a step back..... red eyes?? Aaron had been crying? That was unexpected. He was supposed to be mad. He had just finished talking to the caseworker, and asked if he could show me something. He took my hand, and guided me into the kitchen. Flowers, sitting on my island in the kitchen. He stopped to get flowers after his first counseling appointment. His intention was to stop at the house, leave the flowers, and be gone before I got home. He was shocked at the caseworker's presence.
Aaron left, and I sat down with the caseworker. We only talked for a few minutes, and he found out that our first marriage counseling appointment was the next day, and that Aaron had just finished his first personal appointment. The caseworker seemed amazed. He told me that he had never checked on a case and had the accused be so humble. I wasn't sure I understood. Aaron? Humble? He told me that Aaron told HIM what had happened, instead of waiting to hear what he had been accused of. He also said he had never talked to somebody that was already in counseling, and he praised me for being proactive and getting Aaron out of the house while things were worked out.
As soon as the caseworker left, I noticed a voice mail on my phone. I dialed it up, and listened to my sister say "Ammie Aaron just called me, I'm in shock. I thought you needed to hear what he said." she had forwarded me a message from Aaron. His voice came on "Hi Angie. I just wanted to call you. I'm sorry I put you in a difficult situation where you had to call Child Protective Services. I am not angry at you, I'm actually very happy you did it. I need all the help I can get, and all the support I can get. Right now, I don't feel I have very much support, and I'm looking for support anywhere. I'd like to talk to you. Call me back. Again, I'd like to thank you for what you did. I love you. Give me a call. 'Bye."
I went into shock. I was still numb, and I wasn't crying (weird!!) but I couldn't believe the things I had heard from my husband's voice. You can't FAKE this type of thing. He had the spirit back in his life. He really was praying again, and reading scriptures. His faith was growing again, and he was FIGHTING to get his family back. My brothers reached out to him, my sister helped him, and he felt love. He was praying and getting guidance from our Heavenly Father, for the first time in years.
We talked more later that day. He told me that all the things I'd been saying to him for the past several years were "coming back" as he prayed. Heavenly Father was reminding him of all the things that he needed to work on. For the first time, I was starting to believe that he was really going to try. That things might actually work out. But I was also afraid to hope. Why go through all this again? But the spirit was telling me, in my heart, that this was true. That Aaron was sincere.
On Tuesday, July 12, my babysitter, Sherry, called me at work and said "there's a social worker here, and he wants to know if he can talk to your kids without you?" My first ever panic attack hit hard. My heart was beating so fast my chest was hurting, I thought I was going to throw up. My head was spinning. I don't know why it scared me so bad, but I wasn't there, and a social worker was at my house. I left work in a hurry. The whole drive home I was trying to calm myself down, but the ache in my chest and the nausea wouldn't go away. I called a friend, no answer. Called another friend, and she just listened while I rambled about my fears.
When I got home, I saw the car in the driveway. Aaron was there. And so was a social worker. If I thought I had been sick before, I was wrong. This was a whole new level of fear. Aaron was going to be SO mad. He was probably holding it together, but I was sure that things were going to end after he was told that he was abusive. Especially if he ever found out that it was my sister that called. I could hardly see straight, I was so scared. I walked up the stairs, trying not to pass out. I heard my name called, and attempted to sound firm "yep" It was not as strong as I had hoped, you could tell in my voice how scared I was. I walked around the corner, and saw Aaron on the couch, red eyes, sitting across from the caseworker. I took a step back..... red eyes?? Aaron had been crying? That was unexpected. He was supposed to be mad. He had just finished talking to the caseworker, and asked if he could show me something. He took my hand, and guided me into the kitchen. Flowers, sitting on my island in the kitchen. He stopped to get flowers after his first counseling appointment. His intention was to stop at the house, leave the flowers, and be gone before I got home. He was shocked at the caseworker's presence.
Aaron left, and I sat down with the caseworker. We only talked for a few minutes, and he found out that our first marriage counseling appointment was the next day, and that Aaron had just finished his first personal appointment. The caseworker seemed amazed. He told me that he had never checked on a case and had the accused be so humble. I wasn't sure I understood. Aaron? Humble? He told me that Aaron told HIM what had happened, instead of waiting to hear what he had been accused of. He also said he had never talked to somebody that was already in counseling, and he praised me for being proactive and getting Aaron out of the house while things were worked out.
As soon as the caseworker left, I noticed a voice mail on my phone. I dialed it up, and listened to my sister say "Ammie Aaron just called me, I'm in shock. I thought you needed to hear what he said." she had forwarded me a message from Aaron. His voice came on "Hi Angie. I just wanted to call you. I'm sorry I put you in a difficult situation where you had to call Child Protective Services. I am not angry at you, I'm actually very happy you did it. I need all the help I can get, and all the support I can get. Right now, I don't feel I have very much support, and I'm looking for support anywhere. I'd like to talk to you. Call me back. Again, I'd like to thank you for what you did. I love you. Give me a call. 'Bye."
I went into shock. I was still numb, and I wasn't crying (weird!!) but I couldn't believe the things I had heard from my husband's voice. You can't FAKE this type of thing. He had the spirit back in his life. He really was praying again, and reading scriptures. His faith was growing again, and he was FIGHTING to get his family back. My brothers reached out to him, my sister helped him, and he felt love. He was praying and getting guidance from our Heavenly Father, for the first time in years.
We talked more later that day. He told me that all the things I'd been saying to him for the past several years were "coming back" as he prayed. Heavenly Father was reminding him of all the things that he needed to work on. For the first time, I was starting to believe that he was really going to try. That things might actually work out. But I was also afraid to hope. Why go through all this again? But the spirit was telling me, in my heart, that this was true. That Aaron was sincere.
A Better Journey Begins
When I told my sister about what Aaron had done to Vanessa on the 4th of July, she gave me a warning. "if you don't report Aaron's abuse, I will. It's a crime to keep that to yourself. If you can't call, I will, but I wanted to tell you first." After a few days, I told her to go ahead and call. I couldn't stop her, and I wasn't going to do it.
We were "unofficially" separated, again. I didn't want to just give up, but I didn't want to keep trying either. I had been to a counselor for my depression, and then again because Aaron believe I had anger issues, too. I was tired of feeling like the only person that was trying to fix things. Aaron had called a counselor, but hadn't had any luck getting an appointment, so I was not convinced he was trying.
Sunday, July 10 was my FHE with my parents and siblings. We met at a park, because my parents are between homes right now (staying with my Aunt). It was so good to have the love and support of my family. Every one of them came up to me and gave me a hug. We played at the park and talked for several hours while we ate cookies. As I was leaving, my cell phone rang. Aaron. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him, because I'd just had such a great time, and I was afraid he was going to ruin it. But, he was my husband, and I was going to "try". He asked me if I had left FHE yet. I told him I was just getting in the van. He asked "will you stop at my work on your way? I just want to see the kids, and see you." I was torn. I wanted to be there for him, but I was tired of the abuse. If I didn't go, he'd think I hated him and I wasn't trying. If I did go, he might think he was winning without making any real effort. I called my big sister. She is always good with this stuff.
"Should I do it? Would that be too soft to stop by? Or too hard if I don't? I'm so torn, Angie!"
"I think it would be OK for you to stop by. He asked you to give him some hope. Give him hope. Let him know you still care."
She did make sure I knew it was still my choice, and that she was only giving her opinion. But I felt like she was right. We stopped at his work, and the kids all lit up when they saw the milk silos. They knew we were visiting their daddy. He came out, and the kids all screamed "DADDY!" with so much joy that I couldn't deny they missed him. It was a quick visit, he just wanted to give each of the kids a good night hug and kiss. He thanked me profusely for stopping by. But I was numb, I didn't know how to respond. I still wasn't sure how things were going to turn out, and I didn't trust him. He told me his counseling appointment was Tuesday morning, and asked me if I would talk to our babysitter about watching the kids for an extra hour so we could get lunch together Monday after I left work. I worked it out, and we met at Arby's.
We talked over lunch. Mostly, he talked and I sat there listening to the promises I had heard him make before. I was still numb, and I didn't know if I believed any of it. He was crying, and I was sitting there like a stone. (If you know either of us, this is VERY backwards. I'm the cryer, he is NOT) He had said these things before, we'd been separated before, been to counseling, had serious relationship issues. Yes, we had made it work, but how long would it last this time? Were we just going to start this cycle again in a few years? He told me he had started praying, and if I looked into his eyes, I could see that his countenance had changed. He had the spirit back. But we'd done that before too. I couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it because I had been crushed too many times. The words from my dad's blessing were echoing in my mind, though "IF Aaron chooses to work on these problems, and get the help and counseling he needs, things CAN get better, and will work out." If Heavenly Father believed it was possible, I had better at least try.
We were "unofficially" separated, again. I didn't want to just give up, but I didn't want to keep trying either. I had been to a counselor for my depression, and then again because Aaron believe I had anger issues, too. I was tired of feeling like the only person that was trying to fix things. Aaron had called a counselor, but hadn't had any luck getting an appointment, so I was not convinced he was trying.
Sunday, July 10 was my FHE with my parents and siblings. We met at a park, because my parents are between homes right now (staying with my Aunt). It was so good to have the love and support of my family. Every one of them came up to me and gave me a hug. We played at the park and talked for several hours while we ate cookies. As I was leaving, my cell phone rang. Aaron. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to him, because I'd just had such a great time, and I was afraid he was going to ruin it. But, he was my husband, and I was going to "try". He asked me if I had left FHE yet. I told him I was just getting in the van. He asked "will you stop at my work on your way? I just want to see the kids, and see you." I was torn. I wanted to be there for him, but I was tired of the abuse. If I didn't go, he'd think I hated him and I wasn't trying. If I did go, he might think he was winning without making any real effort. I called my big sister. She is always good with this stuff.
"Should I do it? Would that be too soft to stop by? Or too hard if I don't? I'm so torn, Angie!"
"I think it would be OK for you to stop by. He asked you to give him some hope. Give him hope. Let him know you still care."
She did make sure I knew it was still my choice, and that she was only giving her opinion. But I felt like she was right. We stopped at his work, and the kids all lit up when they saw the milk silos. They knew we were visiting their daddy. He came out, and the kids all screamed "DADDY!" with so much joy that I couldn't deny they missed him. It was a quick visit, he just wanted to give each of the kids a good night hug and kiss. He thanked me profusely for stopping by. But I was numb, I didn't know how to respond. I still wasn't sure how things were going to turn out, and I didn't trust him. He told me his counseling appointment was Tuesday morning, and asked me if I would talk to our babysitter about watching the kids for an extra hour so we could get lunch together Monday after I left work. I worked it out, and we met at Arby's.
We talked over lunch. Mostly, he talked and I sat there listening to the promises I had heard him make before. I was still numb, and I didn't know if I believed any of it. He was crying, and I was sitting there like a stone. (If you know either of us, this is VERY backwards. I'm the cryer, he is NOT) He had said these things before, we'd been separated before, been to counseling, had serious relationship issues. Yes, we had made it work, but how long would it last this time? Were we just going to start this cycle again in a few years? He told me he had started praying, and if I looked into his eyes, I could see that his countenance had changed. He had the spirit back. But we'd done that before too. I couldn't believe it, didn't want to believe it because I had been crushed too many times. The words from my dad's blessing were echoing in my mind, though "IF Aaron chooses to work on these problems, and get the help and counseling he needs, things CAN get better, and will work out." If Heavenly Father believed it was possible, I had better at least try.
Independence Day
July 4, 2011. Less than two weeks ago. It has been more than a year since Aaron's seizure. He was not recovering, and it was killing us. We weren't getting along. We had been fighting off and on for a year, and several times in the past year I've wondered if we would make it.
Without going into a ton of details, he said some very hurtful things, as did I. We had screaming matches, and I know it was especially hard on Karleah because she understood the words. If Aaron lost his temper with the kids, I would tell him it was abuse, and he would dare me to call it in. If I mentioned that he needed to get help, or lose his family, he would challenge me. I talked to a few friends about the things that were going on. Mostly, my friends didn't know what to say. One told me to kick him out and move on, but after Aaron had saved me, I knew I needed to stand by him when he was depressed. Friends told me that at least when I was depressed, I sought help, and Aaron was not. This was painfully true. Aaron had been on anti-depressants, but was refusing to take them regularly. I felt trapped. I emailed a few friends that had been through divorce, and asked their advice. One friend told me that I was in denial, and I needed to do something about the problems.
On the 4th of July, Aaron lost his temper again. He hurt Vanessa. I text my friend that had been encouraging me to try and work things out, a friend that had given me some great advice in the year we'd been struggling. This friend had always encouraged me not to give up, and stand by Aaron's side.
I asked "how can I let this keep happening?"
he said "tell him to leave".
"I did ask him to leave, but he won't. Plus, he's my babysitter. How can I go to work?"
he said "Excuses. You know there are 20 people that will help you if you get him out, and the police will take him out if he resists."
He was right. I had people that could help, I had friends, and my kids didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating them. Not to mention, if the person that had been encouraging me for the past year was telling me to get him out, it needed to be done. I called Aaron (he had gone to work by this point) and told him I didn't trust him anymore. He was furious. He told me to go ahead and find other babysitters, good luck putting the yard in on my own, and he wouldn't be coming home after work.
I think he expected my normal reactions, "no, no that's not it. Come home, we'll work through this" but I just said "OK". I called my neighbor, and asked if she could start watching my kids every day (she was only watching them once/week before). She didn't ask questions, just said she would do it.
I text my parents and siblings, told them I had kicked Aaron out, and that I wasn't ready to talk about it so please don't call me. Nobody called, just offered their support over text. My awesome brothers both reached out to Aaron, offering their love and support in his time of need. Yes, he screwed up, but he still needed friends and my brothers were the first to offer.
The next day, less than 24 hours after I told him to get out, he called and asked what the plan was. "Should I come home tonight?" I wasn't sure if I should scream at him, or laugh. I was ready to call a divorce lawyer. I didn't love him. All the bad things that had happened in the 12 years of our marriage were haunting me. I couldn't remember the good, and the hurtful things were compounding. I told Aaron not to plan on coming home for a while. He said he had enough of his things to get him through a couple more days, and he would come home Thursday.
My dad offered to give me a blessing, and I asked him to come out Thursday. My friend also came out that day, for a surprise visit because she knew all that was going on. We enjoyed dinner, and my parents said I seemed happier without Aaron there. The kids were happier too. We had enjoyed the peace since he left, we had watched movies together, played games, made cookies. One of my friends that had gone through divorce said "it seems like you've already made up your mind. You're just scared." Yep, that summed it up. I was ready to end it all.
My dad gave me the promised blessing, and told me that we had been suffering abuse. I had denied that the things he was doing were abuse, because I had heard SO much worse. I also didn't believe that I was weak enough to sit back and let somebody abuse me. But, when I heard those words in the blessing, I had to admit we had been through hell. Yes, others had it worse, but that didn't take away the fact that we were being abused. The blessing also stated that IF Aaron chose to get the help he needed, and he chose to take necessary steps such as counseling, anger management, prayer, scripture study, etc we COULD work things out. My heart actually sank. I didn't want to work things out. I was ready to file. The word divorce seemed so much easier than the effort involved in fixing all the problems. My dad also gave Karleah a blessing, and she was told how loved she is. That Heavenly Father was watching out for her, and that she was an amazing person. The spirit was so strong in our home. We hadn't had that for years. It was amazing.
My parents and my friend all went home, and Aaron showed up. I didn't want him there, and the second he walked in the door, the spirit left. He had so much darkness around him. I text a friend in the ward and asked her to notify the bishop that Aaron was home. I didn't dare call the bishop because I thought for sure Aaron would be furious, because he had already told me he wasn't going to talk to the bishop. The bishop showed up a little while later, he and Aaron went outside and talked for a while.
He called me Friday morning and said "I feel like my family hates me. I'm not welcome there. Nobody wants me there." I told him he was right, we didn't want him there. After work, he was going to come home and pack some bags, to go back to his mom's house. He packed his bags, and as he was leaving, he started crying. He begged me not to give up on him. Said he was going to work hard to gain my trust back, and to get his family back. I told him goodbye.
Without going into a ton of details, he said some very hurtful things, as did I. We had screaming matches, and I know it was especially hard on Karleah because she understood the words. If Aaron lost his temper with the kids, I would tell him it was abuse, and he would dare me to call it in. If I mentioned that he needed to get help, or lose his family, he would challenge me. I talked to a few friends about the things that were going on. Mostly, my friends didn't know what to say. One told me to kick him out and move on, but after Aaron had saved me, I knew I needed to stand by him when he was depressed. Friends told me that at least when I was depressed, I sought help, and Aaron was not. This was painfully true. Aaron had been on anti-depressants, but was refusing to take them regularly. I felt trapped. I emailed a few friends that had been through divorce, and asked their advice. One friend told me that I was in denial, and I needed to do something about the problems.
On the 4th of July, Aaron lost his temper again. He hurt Vanessa. I text my friend that had been encouraging me to try and work things out, a friend that had given me some great advice in the year we'd been struggling. This friend had always encouraged me not to give up, and stand by Aaron's side.
I asked "how can I let this keep happening?"
he said "tell him to leave".
"I did ask him to leave, but he won't. Plus, he's my babysitter. How can I go to work?"
he said "Excuses. You know there are 20 people that will help you if you get him out, and the police will take him out if he resists."
He was right. I had people that could help, I had friends, and my kids didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating them. Not to mention, if the person that had been encouraging me for the past year was telling me to get him out, it needed to be done. I called Aaron (he had gone to work by this point) and told him I didn't trust him anymore. He was furious. He told me to go ahead and find other babysitters, good luck putting the yard in on my own, and he wouldn't be coming home after work.
I think he expected my normal reactions, "no, no that's not it. Come home, we'll work through this" but I just said "OK". I called my neighbor, and asked if she could start watching my kids every day (she was only watching them once/week before). She didn't ask questions, just said she would do it.
I text my parents and siblings, told them I had kicked Aaron out, and that I wasn't ready to talk about it so please don't call me. Nobody called, just offered their support over text. My awesome brothers both reached out to Aaron, offering their love and support in his time of need. Yes, he screwed up, but he still needed friends and my brothers were the first to offer.
The next day, less than 24 hours after I told him to get out, he called and asked what the plan was. "Should I come home tonight?" I wasn't sure if I should scream at him, or laugh. I was ready to call a divorce lawyer. I didn't love him. All the bad things that had happened in the 12 years of our marriage were haunting me. I couldn't remember the good, and the hurtful things were compounding. I told Aaron not to plan on coming home for a while. He said he had enough of his things to get him through a couple more days, and he would come home Thursday.
My dad offered to give me a blessing, and I asked him to come out Thursday. My friend also came out that day, for a surprise visit because she knew all that was going on. We enjoyed dinner, and my parents said I seemed happier without Aaron there. The kids were happier too. We had enjoyed the peace since he left, we had watched movies together, played games, made cookies. One of my friends that had gone through divorce said "it seems like you've already made up your mind. You're just scared." Yep, that summed it up. I was ready to end it all.
My dad gave me the promised blessing, and told me that we had been suffering abuse. I had denied that the things he was doing were abuse, because I had heard SO much worse. I also didn't believe that I was weak enough to sit back and let somebody abuse me. But, when I heard those words in the blessing, I had to admit we had been through hell. Yes, others had it worse, but that didn't take away the fact that we were being abused. The blessing also stated that IF Aaron chose to get the help he needed, and he chose to take necessary steps such as counseling, anger management, prayer, scripture study, etc we COULD work things out. My heart actually sank. I didn't want to work things out. I was ready to file. The word divorce seemed so much easier than the effort involved in fixing all the problems. My dad also gave Karleah a blessing, and she was told how loved she is. That Heavenly Father was watching out for her, and that she was an amazing person. The spirit was so strong in our home. We hadn't had that for years. It was amazing.
My parents and my friend all went home, and Aaron showed up. I didn't want him there, and the second he walked in the door, the spirit left. He had so much darkness around him. I text a friend in the ward and asked her to notify the bishop that Aaron was home. I didn't dare call the bishop because I thought for sure Aaron would be furious, because he had already told me he wasn't going to talk to the bishop. The bishop showed up a little while later, he and Aaron went outside and talked for a while.
He called me Friday morning and said "I feel like my family hates me. I'm not welcome there. Nobody wants me there." I told him he was right, we didn't want him there. After work, he was going to come home and pack some bags, to go back to his mom's house. He packed his bags, and as he was leaving, he started crying. He begged me not to give up on him. Said he was going to work hard to gain my trust back, and to get his family back. I told him goodbye.
Seizures
When Faith was 3 weeks old, Aaron had a seizure. Aaron is epileptic, so this shouldn't be surprising. His first seizure was just before his mission. Then he had two while on his mission. He was put on medication in 1994 in Germany, and did not have a seizure on the medicine. In 2002, his neurologist wanted to take him off the medicine. Aaron was excited that he wouldn't have to rely on the medication anymore. He slowly lowered his dosage over a year's time, and things were going great. When we were separated that December, I had called him to talk about things one afternoon. He started speaking gibberish. I was so mad. I started screaming at him to stop. His mom's voice came on the line "He's having a seizure". I was embarrassed that she heard me screaming at her son, and I was scared because I'd never seen him have a seizure.
I drove to where he was at, and we took him to the neurologist. He wanted to run a test the next morning and see if they could find a reason for the seizure. That night, Aaron had another seizure in his sleep. He bit through his tongue, and when his mom found him there was blood all over the pillow and he was still coming out of the seizure. When his mom called me, I couldn't drive to the house fast enough. We took him in immediately, not waiting for the appointed time. The doctor ran tests, and never found out why the seizures were taking place. Aaron got back on the medicine.
I realize that seizures are fairly common. Everybody knows somebody that has had one. I grew up with an epileptic. When Aaron went back on the medicine, he had severe mood swings. It took months for him to adjust. We got back together after the 2nd seizure, but separated again 3 months later when his mood swings got out of control. Obviously, we worked it out, but it was hard on both of us.
So, when he had a seizure in May of 2010, he was devastated. I was in the living room reading, and he had gone to bed. I heard him shout, and thought he was having a bad dream. (Keep in mind, I had never been around him when he had a seizure) I ignored him, but slowly he started shouting louder, and louder, and the screams were getting close together. Almost on top of each other. I ran down the hall, and he was violently shaking. He was making a horrible groaning sound, and it was like he wasn't breathing. I called 911, and the operator helped me calmly figure out what to do. He was spitting blood all over me. He had bitten through his tongue again. The paramedics came, and my friend and neighbor saw them and came to make sure everything was OK. I was trying not to panic, so it was great to have a friend there to support me.
It took about an hour for Aaron to completely come out of the seizure. He didn't remember me, or the kids. He didn't know where he was, and he was getting very irritated with the paramedics asking him questions. He just wanted to sleep. He'd forget things within seconds of it happening. They checked his blood sugar, and a few seconds later, he asked why he had a band-aid on his finger. When he finally remembered who the president of the United States was, the paramedics left.
The next morning, we started looking for a new neurologist (he had just gotten a letter from the old one that he was no longer treating epilepsy). They couldn't get him in for about 3 weeks, so we lived in fear that he would have another seizure. Aaron had never had a seizure on medication before, so we had never had this worry before. When we finally got in to the doctor, he had to run a bunch of tests. More waiting. They still have no reason for any of his seizures. The doctor gave him a higher dosage. This medication is hard to adjust to, and even just 50 mg. more/day made a huge difference.
Aaron went into a depression. His seizure had really affected him, for the worse. He was scared he'd have another one, and he didn't know when or where it might happen. If it happened on the road, he could be killed; at work, seriously injured; at home, the kids would be traumatized. With that fear, and the higher dosage of medication, Aaron was really struggling. He had also lost his best friend less than one year ago, and his mom wasn't doing well. He was taking care of so many things for his mom because his dad wasn't around anymore. I guess it was my turn to be the strong one, and his turn to be depressed.
I drove to where he was at, and we took him to the neurologist. He wanted to run a test the next morning and see if they could find a reason for the seizure. That night, Aaron had another seizure in his sleep. He bit through his tongue, and when his mom found him there was blood all over the pillow and he was still coming out of the seizure. When his mom called me, I couldn't drive to the house fast enough. We took him in immediately, not waiting for the appointed time. The doctor ran tests, and never found out why the seizures were taking place. Aaron got back on the medicine.
I realize that seizures are fairly common. Everybody knows somebody that has had one. I grew up with an epileptic. When Aaron went back on the medicine, he had severe mood swings. It took months for him to adjust. We got back together after the 2nd seizure, but separated again 3 months later when his mood swings got out of control. Obviously, we worked it out, but it was hard on both of us.
So, when he had a seizure in May of 2010, he was devastated. I was in the living room reading, and he had gone to bed. I heard him shout, and thought he was having a bad dream. (Keep in mind, I had never been around him when he had a seizure) I ignored him, but slowly he started shouting louder, and louder, and the screams were getting close together. Almost on top of each other. I ran down the hall, and he was violently shaking. He was making a horrible groaning sound, and it was like he wasn't breathing. I called 911, and the operator helped me calmly figure out what to do. He was spitting blood all over me. He had bitten through his tongue again. The paramedics came, and my friend and neighbor saw them and came to make sure everything was OK. I was trying not to panic, so it was great to have a friend there to support me.
It took about an hour for Aaron to completely come out of the seizure. He didn't remember me, or the kids. He didn't know where he was, and he was getting very irritated with the paramedics asking him questions. He just wanted to sleep. He'd forget things within seconds of it happening. They checked his blood sugar, and a few seconds later, he asked why he had a band-aid on his finger. When he finally remembered who the president of the United States was, the paramedics left.
The next morning, we started looking for a new neurologist (he had just gotten a letter from the old one that he was no longer treating epilepsy). They couldn't get him in for about 3 weeks, so we lived in fear that he would have another seizure. Aaron had never had a seizure on medication before, so we had never had this worry before. When we finally got in to the doctor, he had to run a bunch of tests. More waiting. They still have no reason for any of his seizures. The doctor gave him a higher dosage. This medication is hard to adjust to, and even just 50 mg. more/day made a huge difference.
Aaron went into a depression. His seizure had really affected him, for the worse. He was scared he'd have another one, and he didn't know when or where it might happen. If it happened on the road, he could be killed; at work, seriously injured; at home, the kids would be traumatized. With that fear, and the higher dosage of medication, Aaron was really struggling. He had also lost his best friend less than one year ago, and his mom wasn't doing well. He was taking care of so many things for his mom because his dad wasn't around anymore. I guess it was my turn to be the strong one, and his turn to be depressed.
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