I'm back! And my back...

I am borrowing my dad's laptop so I can blog. I miss blogging regularly. Look for a new blog though, I think that the title isn't exactly fitting anymore. We'll see what happens though.

I have had a few friends ask about my back, and what's new, so I'll start with the /boring stuff about me so the good/fun about the kids can cheer you up later, good idea? YES! Of course it is!

I was moving some boxes at work, something that is not "my job" but I was trying to help somebody out, and felt a pain in my back/neck. I went in to the doctor, and they said I had strained a muscle on each side of my spine. The doctor gave me some pain pills, a muscle relaxer, and ibuprofen. They didn't help. A week later, I asked my boss what I should do. I REALLY didn't want to go back in, I have issues with doctors for reasons I won't go in to. (Mostly because I know they are illogical). I finally decided to go back in, and the doctor that I talked to that day was not helpful, didn't listen to my concerns, just said he wanted me to do physical therapy. He asked me to come back the next day for therapy, and follow up with him in a week. (he said I wouldn't need any more papers/forms or an appointment for therapy) I honestly didn't think physical therapy is what I needed, but I'm not the doctor so I was obedient.

I went in the next day for "therapy" and was told I did, in fact, need more paperwork from the doctor, and that I needed an appointment which was not available until Wednesday (this was on Friday). I walked out very frustrated, I didn't have the papers I needed and I had to wait another 5 days to hope for ANY relief . I was out of ALL the medication, not that they helped much anyway, but they were gone and I didn't know what to do to get through another 5 days, but I'm learning how strong I can be I guess (Heavenly Father loves testing us....) I eventually did get the guts up to ask the doctor for the papers he said I wouldn't need, and had them ready. It was pretty miserable, and people at work started noticing, and commenting or teasing me on the fact I can't really move very well, and I walk slowly. Things were NOT improving!

So, today was the long awaited physical therapy appointment. The therapist said he didn't think it was a strained muscle, with the prescriptions I was given things should have improved on a muscle strain. He checked about 100 things, asked 1,000 questions, then asked what "imaging" was done on my injury. I told him none, and he seemed perturbed. He said "I'll be back." and about 15 min later he returned, saying "I talked to the doctor you saw, he will take better care of you tomorrow" [I have another follow-up] He then told me that he is pretty sure it is a bulging disc in my neck. My heart nearly stopped, because I keep telling a friend of mine that surgery will not be necessary but he is getting a kick out of saying it could/will. Every time I hear about a "disc" injury, it's related to surgery. Though I don't know a lot of people that have really dealt with it, so what do I know, really??

The therapist told me to expect that it will continue to hurt for at least 6 weeks (it's already been long enough!! And I have a pretty high pain tolerance, I think... I did natural childbirth once, and had 2 cesareans with minimal pain medication after.) I just shrugged (ok, I can't really shrug, so I more like moved my upper body in agreement). He told me that sometimes it takes years for disc injuries to feel better, but he would help with it as much as possible. I have a lot of very stiff muscles from trying to "protect" my injury, so today he did shock treatments and lots of icing, followed by a "stretching" machine as he called it (this is extremely painful, I don't want to go back in that machine!!!) I left with more aches and pains than I entered with, but he gave me ice packs to help (luckily they have straps so I can wear them while I am trying to keep up with house work & cooking etc.)

I have no idea what to expect tomorrow, but as hard as I tried to avoid doctors, I am sure getting a lot of them right now, and I'm not too thrilled that it's taking away precious time with my sweet kids. I also have physical therapy twice a week for a few weeks. This will be so fun, I just can't WAIT! The real fun part is he told me not to do any lifting (including my purse) of more than 2 pounds..... I was like "so when the 4-year-old twins are screaming to be held, I am supposed to ignore them? Walk away? Tell them I can't because I'm hurting?"

For now, I am just hoping that I can get some relief sooner than 6 more weeks. I am tired of hurting, my house is a disaster and I can't do much about it. But I keep praying things will look up, so they HAVE to improve soon...

Apologies

It has come to my attention that some things I said in my last post could have been taken the wrong way. I want to make it very clear that although I had my reasons for saying things, they are not worth defending or explaining. I never meant to express anything but love and appreciation for my family. ALL of them, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, grandparents, siblings, in-laws, the list could go on and on.

If it bothered anybody else, I am sorry.

Again, I will not explain because if somebody chooses to be offended, they will; no matter what I say or how I explain it. This:

"I love that I have gotten to know my oldest brother's kids. I never had that opportunity before. His first wife, Julie, didn't really like leaving them with anybody and she didn't make a huge effort to let family get to know them. The oldest didn't know my name until he was like 10, and it bothered me!!!"

apparently made it sound like I have negative feelings toward Julie, and that was not my intention. Julie is incredible, and if you have seen any previous messages about her, then you already know how I feel. I'm sorry Julie, and any others that may have viewed it that way.

It's all about Family

I know it seems crazy for somebody going through a divorce, let alone the person that initiated it, but I have a great appreciation for family.

Heavenly Father watches out for us more than we can ever understand. Things fall in to place sometimes so perfectly we don't even see God's hand in it. Other times, we struggle on our path and wonder where He is, not realizing that he has been there all along.

My getting this house next to my parents is a HUGE blessing. The way things fell together, years before this happened, made it possible for this miracle to happen. Stumbling blocks from the past, trials that seemed insurmountable led to the tender mercies I'm now witnessing.

When I moved, I was worried about being taken advantage of because I'm so close to my parents and they are usually the free babysitters. I was worried my siblings might try to use me occasionally, or that family gatherings would have to happen at my house. I even vented to my siblings about the fears I had, and even as I stated (or typed) them, I didn't think it would do any good. I am stressed enough with a move, new schools, new bills, divorce, etc.

Since my move, I have again witnessed the hand of God in my life countless times. I feel so blessed to be here when my parents need to go somewhere, and I can take the grandkids that are visiting. I love that I have gotten to know my oldest brother's kids. I never had that opportunity before.  His first wife, Julie, didn't really like leaving them with anybody and she didn't make a huge effort to let family get to know them. The oldest didn't know my name until he was like 10, and it bothered me!!! I have been amazed at these "kids". I'm not sure I'd be that strong after watching my mom die, and having their dad get engaged then break it off, and get engaged again shortly after. Yet they are pretty good kids. Sure, they bother me, but what kind of kid would they be if they didn't?

Then, my mom had knee surgery so I had my sister's oldest stay with me to help with kids until mom is up to watching them again. I treasure the late night chats with her, and the example she set for my kids is priceless. That girl has got her head on so straight, she is bound to be an incredible leader of some sort. I was never that strong, that certain.

The 2nd week that she had to watch my kids, she brought along 2 of her siblings because the 3rd one was at camp and unable to babysit for my sister. Yep, 8 kids at my house, but it was great. I got to spend time with most of my nieces and nephews at the same time. It's great to have that time with them, and to feel their spirits in my home. They are all amazing, strong, talented, and beautiful.

Then, there are the nights when I am depressed and my mom is there to talk to. Or when I've had a rough day, I can call on my dad for a blessing. I don't love the road that I'm on, it's hard. But I do love the blessings that are being poured down upon me as I try to obey my Heavenly Father and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

It's ALL about family, and I'm so blessed to have some of the most amazing children surrounding me! What a blessing to be so close to them all.

The New Place

Well, Friday was amazing. I took the day off work so I could get started on the move early. My best friends showed up to help get things going, then my brother and his wife were there soon after. By early afternoon, we had most of the work done. We left with a full U-haul about 5 or 6pm, and we were done unloading about 9pm.My BIL showed up, and another group of friends were there to help. We got all the beds put together, one of them we had to do twice (thanks for helping me BOTH times!)

We all had a good night's sleep, then got up and started unpacking more stuff, and organizing the kitchen. It was such a good feeling. I really miss my friends in Clearfield, but I know that this is where we are meant to be. I feel so comfortable in this house already, and that didn't happen last time we moved.

We attended our new ward on Sunday, and the kids were excited to make new friends. OK, not at first, but once we got there, they had fun. We really like this house, it's such a blessing to be there. It's a testimony builder for me, that we are being watched out for.

I'm incredibly thankful today. Loving my short commute, my new ward, and the babysitters next door. I am so blessed. Obviously, we've made the right choice, the kids are adjusting quickly, and Karleah is excited to attend activity days tomorrow. Thank you, my friends, for the prayers and love and support.

Angel Lullaby

Vanessa has been begging me to sing to her at bedtime lately. One of the my favorites to sing her is "Angel Lullaby" from "My Turn on Earth" by Carol Lynn Pearson:

"You came from a land, where all is light.
To a world half day and a world half night
To guard you by day, you have my love
And to guard you by night, your friends above."

"So, sleep, sleep til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends
So, sleep, sleep til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends"

"There's one stands softly by your bed,
And another sits close with a hand on your head
There's one at the window watching for the dawn,
And one waits to wake you when the night is gone"


"So, sleep, sleep til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends
So, sleep, sleep til the darkness ends
Guarded by your angel friends"

Find the music here

I had a friend tell me that with the divorce, as long as I stay close to the Lord, attend the temple, continue studying scriptures, and don't stop praying, I will feel angels carrying me. I already have felt that. Thank you, to all that pray for me and my family. I am still praying for Aaron, too. I love him, and I wish the best for him. I feel so blessed.

Rumors: Confirmed

Since I'm fairly certain rumors are flying, and I have been fairly open about it, I want to confirm some things, and try to stop the untruths in the flying rumors:

1. Yes, Aaron and I ARE GETTING DIVORCED.
2. Aaron has moved in with his mom, all his belongings are out of the house.
3. I am staying in the house for at least a month or two while we try to sell it. If it doesn't sell soon, we will have to reevaluate what we want to do.
4. I hope to move closer to my parents, and my job so they can help with kids and I can have a nice short commute for the first time in 12 years. :)

This has been a long time coming, I think. This doesn't happen overnight, and it's never something you can be prepared for. I realize that divorce is frowned upon in the church, and I have, admittedly, jumped to negative conclusions when I hear that somebody has been or will be divorced. This is the "divorce gospel according to Amberleah", so take note that I have not read up on this, and I'm definitely not a professional, but I would like to say a few things about my situation.

1. The reason(s) we are getting divorced, are very complex. We've been together 13 years, we have five amazing children, and even if it was something simple to tell you about, it's really nobody's business but ours as to why we are taking the steps for divorce. Please, don't ask "why" because that question is nearly impossible to answer.
2. Feel free to ask how we are doing, or to offer help/support because believe me, we both need it. This is hard for both of us! Just don't expect me to shovel dirt about Aaron, because I do still care very deeply for him, and I still love him (and it's really not going to help ANYBODY to spread more gossip). A good friend told me that divorce is not about lack of love.
3. Don't make judgements towards either of us. I am the one that initiated the divorce, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's all Aaron's fault. That doesn't mean it's all my fault either. Divorce is not a one-sided thing, everyone involved will suffer to some extent. Please, pray for our children. They are having a hard time, and we don't always have the answers for them.
4. I realize it's hard to understand why somebody that still loves their spouse is getting divorced. Don't bother trying to analyze it, or talk to people about how you view that. I have two friends that divorced a person they were in love with, only to remarry a while later. I thought that was psycho, and now that I am experiencing similar "issues" I view it differently. It's not something we decided overnight. I once heard it explained like a type of cancer that has to be cut off.
5. I have received several priesthood blessings through the years, (and said many prayers) before I came to the decision to divorce Aaron. He is a good man, with a good heart. He loves deeply, and he was very shocked at my decision. It's really nobody's business how I came to the decision, and as mentioned above, there is really no "why". Just know that it is not something I take lightly.
6. Please, don't tell me how hard it will be, or ask if I'm sure! I know these are well-meaning comments, and sometimes divorce is approached lightly. We have discussed it several times in the past few years. I am mature enough, and smart enough, to know how hard it will be on me, Aaron, and the kids. No, not first-hand, but I still believe it to be the best decision for us.
7. We're trying very hard to keep things civil, and keep lawyers out of the equation. Just because you know somebody that had a bad experience, doesn't mean I need to hear about it. The fact that somebody else was "screwed" because they chose to try things the way we are trying, doesn't change what we have prayed about and feel good about. If you have advice or support, we gladly accept, but if you are just going to share stories, save it for someone else.
8. Don't come pretending to care, just so you can get some dirt you want to spread around. We are doing our best to keep this clean, especially for the kids. They don't need to hear us talking badly about anybody least of all, their parents. Would you want your kids to hear people trash-talk you? I didn't think so.
9. We still say "I love you" to each other, and we like to hug. Don't be surprised, or disgusted. We do. How can you NOT love and care for somebody you have spent so much time with?

That's about all I can think to say now. Again, feel free to ask me almost anything, other than WHY. This is becoming a pet peeve already, and we've only started telling people about the divorce in the last week. Don't be shocked if I tell you that it's none of your business. I've always been one to answer any question asked about me, but not about this.

Thank you to my ward friends that have been so kind and supportive. To my family for loving me, and praying for BOTH of us. To Aaron's family for "taking him in" when I asked him to leave. Thank you to all for your love, kindness, support, and avoiding gossip. We feel very blessed, and we can't possibly regret 13 years together, especially when we have the most amazing, beautiful children EVER! (new rule, don't argue with that).

Too Fast.... last day of school! Already?

Everybody is always talking about how fast life goes. It's crazy how much it speeds up as you get older. Today was Karleah's last day of 4th grade, and Nathanael's last day of Kindergarten. Where does the time go? I was fortunate to get the twins registered for preschool next fall, too. I can't believe my kids are getting so grown up.

I have a friend that just started the IVF process and has posted a few things on FB about what she is going through. I keep thinking "was it really that long ago for us?" Seems like we were just barely struggling to start our family, and suddenly our "baby" is two!

Karleah has had some amazing experiences in the Spectrum program this year. She was blessed with a great teacher that cared about the students. When Aaron was in the hospital, she showed some incredible support to my little girl, and to me. Karleah is a talented writer, she loves to read, she is amazing at math (but thinks she is terrible LOL). Her dimples are becoming more pronounced. I couldn't wait to have her, and now she's already 10 (going on 25). She is an amazing big sister. I am in awe of her. I wish I had her talent. She is starting to get a little shy, like she's realizing her faults and that is so sad, because she is truly amazing. I try to help her learn from my mistakes, but she insists I don't understand. (Yeah, I know, "just wait til she's a teen!")

Nathanael's teacher was pretty amazing, too. She works SO hard to find fun, new things for the kids to learn. The kids just adore her. Even my twins were excited to see her at Nathanael's kindergarten graduation yesterday. Vanessa wanted to show "Garcia" her stuffed animal. I can't believe how well Nathanael is reading! Unfortunately he still doesn't know his phone number or address, but he can READ! He sure has a temper when things don't go his way, but he is SO sensitive and sweet. When he was little he used to tell me "I'm your sweetheart, huh!" and he still is (when he's in a good mood anyway LOL).

Carson is still TROUBLE. He loves to run away, but he is learning. He loves to tell me stories, and he is so animated it just makes me laugh. He has a slight speech impediment, and I think it's adorable (although very hard to understand sometimes! Nathanael has to translate!)

Vanessa is as much a drama queen as ever. She is always saying "if you don't let me..... then....." my personal favorite is when she threatens Aaron that he won't be her prince anymore. She asks him to be her prince all the time. It's so sweet.

Faith is just the sweetest thing still. She has discovered the joy of the toilet, the other day I found her with wet hair, and when I saw her walk into the bathroom it donned on me where she was getting the water..... EWWW

I love my kids. I am so blessed to be their mommy. Shout out to teachers everywhere. They do so much for our kids!