I've had a few people tell me how strong I am, and how much they admire me for what I'm doing. Why it's so hard to accept things like that is beyond me. Today, I just want to say, I'm NOT strong. Today, I am weak and lonely and discouraged and depressed.
This, too shall pass, I know that. But there are days when I sit down and can't function. There are times when I just can't figure out how I'm going to make it. Moments when I want to scream, and cry, and sleep the day away. When I think of all the things that lie ahead, I am overwhelmed and afraid.
Yesterday, I took a nap with the twins. We fell asleep together for about 2 hours (Faith was napping, too just in a different room) I felt like the worst person in the world for letting myself rest, when there is so much to do around the house. I don't care that my body may have needed it, my HOUSE needed me, too!
I don't post this for pity, or for others to say "poor Amberleah". I post this so everybody will know I am just as "human" as YOU are. I have horrible days, I have great days. Most of the time, I realize that whatever I am going through, is for my kids. Be it marker on the walls, stress at work, struggling to keep up with housework, the washing machine breaking on me, more coloring on the walls, kids spilling one thing after another, daily drama of 5 kids, crayon on the walls, stupid mean horrible customers, temper tantrums, stained carpet, I survive one moment at a time for them.
I know that women, especially LDS women, tend to compare themselves to all their friends. I am definitely guilty of this. I look at women and wish I were as pretty, as caring, as outgoing, as talented, as crafty, etc. etc. It's so hard not to do this.
I know this will pass, but I just want the world (OK, the few followers on my blog) to know that I am NOT as strong as I appear. Today, I just want to mope around, cry, and eat junk food until I puke. But, I won't because I know tomorrow is a new day, and that (hopefully) somebody, somewhere, admires me as much as I admire the women around me. Today, I give in to the misery and depression that is "divorce" and wait for the sun to rise on a new day.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Vanessa is ALWAYS right
Today, Vanessa started calling Faith "Rebecca" so I corrected her. I should say "tried" to correct her because she said "Her first name is Faith, but her middle name is Rebecca."
I again tried to correct her "no, her middle name is Elizabeth" and was told "but Rebecca is prettier you should have named her Rebecca."
I told Vanessa that we needed to call her by the name she was given, or she would get really confused. Vanessa said "Fine, you can call her Faithy, I will call her Rebecca."
Faith has been called Rebecca since that conversation. Poor Faith!!
I again tried to correct her "no, her middle name is Elizabeth" and was told "but Rebecca is prettier you should have named her Rebecca."
I told Vanessa that we needed to call her by the name she was given, or she would get really confused. Vanessa said "Fine, you can call her Faithy, I will call her Rebecca."
Faith has been called Rebecca since that conversation. Poor Faith!!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Perfect
The past week has been especially hard for some reason. It seemed one thing after another just kept piling on to me. I felt overwhelmed with the divorce process, the house, the kids, three-days-a-week doctor (chiropractor) visits, and the daily emotions of my kids that are still really struggling with everything going on.
Friday, it all came crashing down when one child said they hated me and, and another told me I was lazy. I had already been struggling with my self-worth and wondering about some of the decisions I had made about work, the kids, the house, etc. etc. etc. I realize they have no idea what they're saying, and that they, too, are struggling with impossible-to-understand emotions.
As I sat there, trying to sort it all out without crying or screaming, I got a phone call from an amazing friend. We rarely actually "talk" on the phone, it's usually all over text or e-mail. We had already been texting, and I was surprised she would call because I thought the "coversation" was already done. As we talked, I tried to avoid the subjects I was struggling with, but I'm no good at that. She asked if I had been doing my "homework" exercises and icing my back. I told her it was too hard to keep up with it all, and everything just started pouring out. Although she had other plans, she said "I think I'm coming over. I'll see you soon."
Well, Cameo has seen me at my worst and still comes around, so I guess she is not going to give up on me because I'm having a bad day and I'm overly emotional (again!). She showed up, and gave me some of the most profound and yet simple statements. They made all the difference in the world! Things I already knew, have heard and read thousands of times in my life, but were desperately needed to be brought to light again. Cameo reminded me that
I have heard this all my life, have known it, have shared personal testimony of the same thing! But we forget so quickly when things are difficult. Cameo's words lifted me, her hug strengthened me, and the spirit filled me again. Because of her love and her willingness to help me, because she listened to a very weak prompting to call instead of text, I was able to have a very meaningful night with my kids, and when conferecne began this morning, I was able to hang on every word without anger, hurt, or fear. I got SO much out of the 4 hours today, mainly because of the help given to me the night before.
I KNOW that God lives, that Jesus is the Christ, and that the scriptures are true! I love the gospel, and it's simplicity, I am so grateful for good friends (I have been blessed with SO many!). I am striving to live without regrets, and every time I look into my kids' faces I am filled with strength to move on, no matter how hard things have been. Thank you, Heavenly Father. The plan is perfect, the gospel is perfect, and because of Christ I will one day be made perfect, too.
Friday, it all came crashing down when one child said they hated me and, and another told me I was lazy. I had already been struggling with my self-worth and wondering about some of the decisions I had made about work, the kids, the house, etc. etc. etc. I realize they have no idea what they're saying, and that they, too, are struggling with impossible-to-understand emotions.
As I sat there, trying to sort it all out without crying or screaming, I got a phone call from an amazing friend. We rarely actually "talk" on the phone, it's usually all over text or e-mail. We had already been texting, and I was surprised she would call because I thought the "coversation" was already done. As we talked, I tried to avoid the subjects I was struggling with, but I'm no good at that. She asked if I had been doing my "homework" exercises and icing my back. I told her it was too hard to keep up with it all, and everything just started pouring out. Although she had other plans, she said "I think I'm coming over. I'll see you soon."
Well, Cameo has seen me at my worst and still comes around, so I guess she is not going to give up on me because I'm having a bad day and I'm overly emotional (again!). She showed up, and gave me some of the most profound and yet simple statements. They made all the difference in the world! Things I already knew, have heard and read thousands of times in my life, but were desperately needed to be brought to light again. Cameo reminded me that
- Satan knows our strengths and weaknesses. He knows how to get to us, and when. He knows when we are headed in the right direction, and will do whatever he can to stop it. (THANK GOODNESS Cameo wasn't being swayed at the same time!)
- God doesn't give us challenges that are too hard for us to handle.
I have heard this all my life, have known it, have shared personal testimony of the same thing! But we forget so quickly when things are difficult. Cameo's words lifted me, her hug strengthened me, and the spirit filled me again. Because of her love and her willingness to help me, because she listened to a very weak prompting to call instead of text, I was able to have a very meaningful night with my kids, and when conferecne began this morning, I was able to hang on every word without anger, hurt, or fear. I got SO much out of the 4 hours today, mainly because of the help given to me the night before.
I KNOW that God lives, that Jesus is the Christ, and that the scriptures are true! I love the gospel, and it's simplicity, I am so grateful for good friends (I have been blessed with SO many!). I am striving to live without regrets, and every time I look into my kids' faces I am filled with strength to move on, no matter how hard things have been. Thank you, Heavenly Father. The plan is perfect, the gospel is perfect, and because of Christ I will one day be made perfect, too.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Tender Mercies, Answers to Prayers
It's SO true that if you are reading your scriptures and having regular personal prayers, your life will improve. I have gained a strong testimony of such.
I think every time I start to wonder about my "path" in life, or why I am struggling with any certain thing, Heavenly Father reminds me that HE is in charge and things will turn out. President Hinckley said "things always turn out OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." Truer words were never spoken.
I will not go into details (sorry to disappoint) but this has happened time and time again since Aaron and I separated. Divorce can bring out the nasty side of people, but I think that because I (and possibly him, too though I wouldn't know first-hand) have been trying to stay close to the Lord, things have really not gotten too bad. I have tried very hard to ready scriptures every day, more than just a few verses or one chapter, to read a conference talk, to say meaningful prayers, and to have FHE every week. Things are hard, and I never would have guessed the trials I'd face and the challenges of "single" motherhood and divorce.
The kids are really acting out, I've seen them act in ways that they never used to, and maybe because Karleah & Nathanael are in public school again they are all calling each other names and hitting each other (this one is rare) It's been frustrating. The words of a great friend echo in my mind "everything they do is because they are facing all kinds of emotions they don't know how to deal with, or how to express." and I am reminded that if I am patient and loving, we'll survive this trial called divorce.
There have been days when I am so discouraged, I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Times when I just want to scream (OK, I probably have done that occasionally). Moments when I think I just can't take any more, and I hide in my room to pray. Then, the kids remember some tiny message from a primary lesson, or a primary song, or a family home evening lesson I didn't think they heard. They realize they have "cold pricklies" instead of "warm fuzzies" and they want to make Jesus happy. It never ceases to amaze me, when I am at what I think is my breaking point, how the Lord can "jump in" and help me out.
I can't deny that these kids are a blessing. They are amazing to me, and when they notice that somebody has a pretty low "love tank" they each try to help in some way. I love when I hit my "rock bottom moment of the day" and suddenly feel peace and empathy for what my kids are feeling, and I can be patient and loving.
My mom friends, don't compare yourself here though. Keep in mind, there are MANY imperfect moments, too. Times when I have thrown in the towel, lost my patience, said something I regretted later (I have apolgized to my kids many many times) or cried for hours over the depressing and difficult situation I am in. But today, I am happy and thankful. I am blessed, and I will try to focus on that every day. EVERYBODY needs to look back and remember the good, not focus on the mistakes. We are all children of God, and meant to make and learn from mistakes.
Today, I am thankful, content, and loving my kids. I feel overwhelmed with the joy they bring to me.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I think every time I start to wonder about my "path" in life, or why I am struggling with any certain thing, Heavenly Father reminds me that HE is in charge and things will turn out. President Hinckley said "things always turn out OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end." Truer words were never spoken.
I will not go into details (sorry to disappoint) but this has happened time and time again since Aaron and I separated. Divorce can bring out the nasty side of people, but I think that because I (and possibly him, too though I wouldn't know first-hand) have been trying to stay close to the Lord, things have really not gotten too bad. I have tried very hard to ready scriptures every day, more than just a few verses or one chapter, to read a conference talk, to say meaningful prayers, and to have FHE every week. Things are hard, and I never would have guessed the trials I'd face and the challenges of "single" motherhood and divorce.
The kids are really acting out, I've seen them act in ways that they never used to, and maybe because Karleah & Nathanael are in public school again they are all calling each other names and hitting each other (this one is rare) It's been frustrating. The words of a great friend echo in my mind "everything they do is because they are facing all kinds of emotions they don't know how to deal with, or how to express." and I am reminded that if I am patient and loving, we'll survive this trial called divorce.
There have been days when I am so discouraged, I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Times when I just want to scream (OK, I probably have done that occasionally). Moments when I think I just can't take any more, and I hide in my room to pray. Then, the kids remember some tiny message from a primary lesson, or a primary song, or a family home evening lesson I didn't think they heard. They realize they have "cold pricklies" instead of "warm fuzzies" and they want to make Jesus happy. It never ceases to amaze me, when I am at what I think is my breaking point, how the Lord can "jump in" and help me out.
I can't deny that these kids are a blessing. They are amazing to me, and when they notice that somebody has a pretty low "love tank" they each try to help in some way. I love when I hit my "rock bottom moment of the day" and suddenly feel peace and empathy for what my kids are feeling, and I can be patient and loving.
My mom friends, don't compare yourself here though. Keep in mind, there are MANY imperfect moments, too. Times when I have thrown in the towel, lost my patience, said something I regretted later (I have apolgized to my kids many many times) or cried for hours over the depressing and difficult situation I am in. But today, I am happy and thankful. I am blessed, and I will try to focus on that every day. EVERYBODY needs to look back and remember the good, not focus on the mistakes. We are all children of God, and meant to make and learn from mistakes.
Today, I am thankful, content, and loving my kids. I feel overwhelmed with the joy they bring to me.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I'm back! And my back...
I am borrowing my dad's laptop so I can blog. I miss blogging regularly. Look for a new blog though, I think that the title isn't exactly fitting anymore. We'll see what happens though.
I have had a few friends ask about my back, and what's new, so I'll start with the /boring stuff about me so the good/fun about the kids can cheer you up later, good idea? YES! Of course it is!
I was moving some boxes at work, something that is not "my job" but I was trying to help somebody out, and felt a pain in my back/neck. I went in to the doctor, and they said I had strained a muscle on each side of my spine. The doctor gave me some pain pills, a muscle relaxer, and ibuprofen. They didn't help. A week later, I asked my boss what I should do. I REALLY didn't want to go back in, I have issues with doctors for reasons I won't go in to. (Mostly because I know they are illogical). I finally decided to go back in, and the doctor that I talked to that day was not helpful, didn't listen to my concerns, just said he wanted me to do physical therapy. He asked me to come back the next day for therapy, and follow up with him in a week. (he said I wouldn't need any more papers/forms or an appointment for therapy) I honestly didn't think physical therapy is what I needed, but I'm not the doctor so I was obedient.
I went in the next day for "therapy" and was told I did, in fact, need more paperwork from the doctor, and that I needed an appointment which was not available until Wednesday (this was on Friday). I walked out very frustrated, I didn't have the papers I needed and I had to wait another 5 days to hope for ANY relief . I was out of ALL the medication, not that they helped much anyway, but they were gone and I didn't know what to do to get through another 5 days, but I'm learning how strong I can be I guess (Heavenly Father loves testing us....) I eventually did get the guts up to ask the doctor for the papers he said I wouldn't need, and had them ready. It was pretty miserable, and people at work started noticing, and commenting or teasing me on the fact I can't really move very well, and I walk slowly. Things were NOT improving!
So, today was the long awaited physical therapy appointment. The therapist said he didn't think it was a strained muscle, with the prescriptions I was given things should have improved on a muscle strain. He checked about 100 things, asked 1,000 questions, then asked what "imaging" was done on my injury. I told him none, and he seemed perturbed. He said "I'll be back." and about 15 min later he returned, saying "I talked to the doctor you saw, he will take better care of you tomorrow" [I have another follow-up] He then told me that he is pretty sure it is a bulging disc in my neck. My heart nearly stopped, because I keep telling a friend of mine that surgery will not be necessary but he is getting a kick out of saying it could/will. Every time I hear about a "disc" injury, it's related to surgery. Though I don't know a lot of people that have really dealt with it, so what do I know, really??
The therapist told me to expect that it will continue to hurt for at least 6 weeks (it's already been long enough!! And I have a pretty high pain tolerance, I think... I did natural childbirth once, and had 2 cesareans with minimal pain medication after.) I just shrugged (ok, I can't really shrug, so I more like moved my upper body in agreement). He told me that sometimes it takes years for disc injuries to feel better, but he would help with it as much as possible. I have a lot of very stiff muscles from trying to "protect" my injury, so today he did shock treatments and lots of icing, followed by a "stretching" machine as he called it (this is extremely painful, I don't want to go back in that machine!!!) I left with more aches and pains than I entered with, but he gave me ice packs to help (luckily they have straps so I can wear them while I am trying to keep up with house work & cooking etc.)
I have no idea what to expect tomorrow, but as hard as I tried to avoid doctors, I am sure getting a lot of them right now, and I'm not too thrilled that it's taking away precious time with my sweet kids. I also have physical therapy twice a week for a few weeks. This will be so fun, I just can't WAIT! The real fun part is he told me not to do any lifting (including my purse) of more than 2 pounds..... I was like "so when the 4-year-old twins are screaming to be held, I am supposed to ignore them? Walk away? Tell them I can't because I'm hurting?"
For now, I am just hoping that I can get some relief sooner than 6 more weeks. I am tired of hurting, my house is a disaster and I can't do much about it. But I keep praying things will look up, so they HAVE to improve soon...
I have had a few friends ask about my back, and what's new, so I'll start with the /boring stuff about me so the good/fun about the kids can cheer you up later, good idea? YES! Of course it is!
I was moving some boxes at work, something that is not "my job" but I was trying to help somebody out, and felt a pain in my back/neck. I went in to the doctor, and they said I had strained a muscle on each side of my spine. The doctor gave me some pain pills, a muscle relaxer, and ibuprofen. They didn't help. A week later, I asked my boss what I should do. I REALLY didn't want to go back in, I have issues with doctors for reasons I won't go in to. (Mostly because I know they are illogical). I finally decided to go back in, and the doctor that I talked to that day was not helpful, didn't listen to my concerns, just said he wanted me to do physical therapy. He asked me to come back the next day for therapy, and follow up with him in a week. (he said I wouldn't need any more papers/forms or an appointment for therapy) I honestly didn't think physical therapy is what I needed, but I'm not the doctor so I was obedient.
I went in the next day for "therapy" and was told I did, in fact, need more paperwork from the doctor, and that I needed an appointment which was not available until Wednesday (this was on Friday). I walked out very frustrated, I didn't have the papers I needed and I had to wait another 5 days to hope for ANY relief . I was out of ALL the medication, not that they helped much anyway, but they were gone and I didn't know what to do to get through another 5 days, but I'm learning how strong I can be I guess (Heavenly Father loves testing us....) I eventually did get the guts up to ask the doctor for the papers he said I wouldn't need, and had them ready. It was pretty miserable, and people at work started noticing, and commenting or teasing me on the fact I can't really move very well, and I walk slowly. Things were NOT improving!
So, today was the long awaited physical therapy appointment. The therapist said he didn't think it was a strained muscle, with the prescriptions I was given things should have improved on a muscle strain. He checked about 100 things, asked 1,000 questions, then asked what "imaging" was done on my injury. I told him none, and he seemed perturbed. He said "I'll be back." and about 15 min later he returned, saying "I talked to the doctor you saw, he will take better care of you tomorrow" [I have another follow-up] He then told me that he is pretty sure it is a bulging disc in my neck. My heart nearly stopped, because I keep telling a friend of mine that surgery will not be necessary but he is getting a kick out of saying it could/will. Every time I hear about a "disc" injury, it's related to surgery. Though I don't know a lot of people that have really dealt with it, so what do I know, really??
The therapist told me to expect that it will continue to hurt for at least 6 weeks (it's already been long enough!! And I have a pretty high pain tolerance, I think... I did natural childbirth once, and had 2 cesareans with minimal pain medication after.) I just shrugged (ok, I can't really shrug, so I more like moved my upper body in agreement). He told me that sometimes it takes years for disc injuries to feel better, but he would help with it as much as possible. I have a lot of very stiff muscles from trying to "protect" my injury, so today he did shock treatments and lots of icing, followed by a "stretching" machine as he called it (this is extremely painful, I don't want to go back in that machine!!!) I left with more aches and pains than I entered with, but he gave me ice packs to help (luckily they have straps so I can wear them while I am trying to keep up with house work & cooking etc.)
I have no idea what to expect tomorrow, but as hard as I tried to avoid doctors, I am sure getting a lot of them right now, and I'm not too thrilled that it's taking away precious time with my sweet kids. I also have physical therapy twice a week for a few weeks. This will be so fun, I just can't WAIT! The real fun part is he told me not to do any lifting (including my purse) of more than 2 pounds..... I was like "so when the 4-year-old twins are screaming to be held, I am supposed to ignore them? Walk away? Tell them I can't because I'm hurting?"
For now, I am just hoping that I can get some relief sooner than 6 more weeks. I am tired of hurting, my house is a disaster and I can't do much about it. But I keep praying things will look up, so they HAVE to improve soon...
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Apologies
It has come to my attention that some things I said in my last post could have been taken the wrong way. I want to make it very clear that although I had my reasons for saying things, they are not worth defending or explaining. I never meant to express anything but love and appreciation for my family. ALL of them, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, grandparents, siblings, in-laws, the list could go on and on.
If it bothered anybody else, I am sorry.
Again, I will not explain because if somebody chooses to be offended, they will; no matter what I say or how I explain it. This:
"I love that I have gotten to know my oldest brother's kids. I never had that opportunity before. His first wife, Julie, didn't really like leaving them with anybody and she didn't make a huge effort to let family get to know them. The oldest didn't know my name until he was like 10, and it bothered me!!!"
apparently made it sound like I have negative feelings toward Julie, and that was not my intention. Julie is incredible, and if you have seen any previous messages about her, then you already know how I feel. I'm sorry Julie, and any others that may have viewed it that way.
If it bothered anybody else, I am sorry.
Again, I will not explain because if somebody chooses to be offended, they will; no matter what I say or how I explain it. This:
"I love that I have gotten to know my oldest brother's kids. I never had that opportunity before. His first wife, Julie, didn't really like leaving them with anybody and she didn't make a huge effort to let family get to know them. The oldest didn't know my name until he was like 10, and it bothered me!!!"
apparently made it sound like I have negative feelings toward Julie, and that was not my intention. Julie is incredible, and if you have seen any previous messages about her, then you already know how I feel. I'm sorry Julie, and any others that may have viewed it that way.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
It's all about Family
I know it seems crazy for somebody going through a divorce, let alone the person that initiated it, but I have a great appreciation for family.
Heavenly Father watches out for us more than we can ever understand. Things fall in to place sometimes so perfectly we don't even see God's hand in it. Other times, we struggle on our path and wonder where He is, not realizing that he has been there all along.
My getting this house next to my parents is a HUGE blessing. The way things fell together, years before this happened, made it possible for this miracle to happen. Stumbling blocks from the past, trials that seemed insurmountable led to the tender mercies I'm now witnessing.
When I moved, I was worried about being taken advantage of because I'm so close to my parents and they are usually the free babysitters. I was worried my siblings might try to use me occasionally, or that family gatherings would have to happen at my house. I even vented to my siblings about the fears I had, and even as I stated (or typed) them, I didn't think it would do any good. I am stressed enough with a move, new schools, new bills, divorce, etc.
Since my move, I have again witnessed the hand of God in my life countless times. I feel so blessed to be here when my parents need to go somewhere, and I can take the grandkids that are visiting. I love that I have gotten to know my oldest brother's kids. I never had that opportunity before. His first wife, Julie, didn't really like leaving them with anybody and she didn't make a huge effort to let family get to know them. The oldest didn't know my name until he was like 10, and it bothered me!!! I have been amazed at these "kids". I'm not sure I'd be that strong after watching my mom die, and having their dad get engaged then break it off, and get engaged again shortly after. Yet they are pretty good kids. Sure, they bother me, but what kind of kid would they be if they didn't?
Then, my mom had knee surgery so I had my sister's oldest stay with me to help with kids until mom is up to watching them again. I treasure the late night chats with her, and the example she set for my kids is priceless. That girl has got her head on so straight, she is bound to be an incredible leader of some sort. I was never that strong, that certain.
The 2nd week that she had to watch my kids, she brought along 2 of her siblings because the 3rd one was at camp and unable to babysit for my sister. Yep, 8 kids at my house, but it was great. I got to spend time with most of my nieces and nephews at the same time. It's great to have that time with them, and to feel their spirits in my home. They are all amazing, strong, talented, and beautiful.
Then, there are the nights when I am depressed and my mom is there to talk to. Or when I've had a rough day, I can call on my dad for a blessing. I don't love the road that I'm on, it's hard. But I do love the blessings that are being poured down upon me as I try to obey my Heavenly Father and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost.
It's ALL about family, and I'm so blessed to have some of the most amazing children surrounding me! What a blessing to be so close to them all.
Heavenly Father watches out for us more than we can ever understand. Things fall in to place sometimes so perfectly we don't even see God's hand in it. Other times, we struggle on our path and wonder where He is, not realizing that he has been there all along.
My getting this house next to my parents is a HUGE blessing. The way things fell together, years before this happened, made it possible for this miracle to happen. Stumbling blocks from the past, trials that seemed insurmountable led to the tender mercies I'm now witnessing.
When I moved, I was worried about being taken advantage of because I'm so close to my parents and they are usually the free babysitters. I was worried my siblings might try to use me occasionally, or that family gatherings would have to happen at my house. I even vented to my siblings about the fears I had, and even as I stated (or typed) them, I didn't think it would do any good. I am stressed enough with a move, new schools, new bills, divorce, etc.
Since my move, I have again witnessed the hand of God in my life countless times. I feel so blessed to be here when my parents need to go somewhere, and I can take the grandkids that are visiting. I love that I have gotten to know my oldest brother's kids. I never had that opportunity before. His first wife, Julie, didn't really like leaving them with anybody and she didn't make a huge effort to let family get to know them. The oldest didn't know my name until he was like 10, and it bothered me!!! I have been amazed at these "kids". I'm not sure I'd be that strong after watching my mom die, and having their dad get engaged then break it off, and get engaged again shortly after. Yet they are pretty good kids. Sure, they bother me, but what kind of kid would they be if they didn't?
Then, my mom had knee surgery so I had my sister's oldest stay with me to help with kids until mom is up to watching them again. I treasure the late night chats with her, and the example she set for my kids is priceless. That girl has got her head on so straight, she is bound to be an incredible leader of some sort. I was never that strong, that certain.
The 2nd week that she had to watch my kids, she brought along 2 of her siblings because the 3rd one was at camp and unable to babysit for my sister. Yep, 8 kids at my house, but it was great. I got to spend time with most of my nieces and nephews at the same time. It's great to have that time with them, and to feel their spirits in my home. They are all amazing, strong, talented, and beautiful.
Then, there are the nights when I am depressed and my mom is there to talk to. Or when I've had a rough day, I can call on my dad for a blessing. I don't love the road that I'm on, it's hard. But I do love the blessings that are being poured down upon me as I try to obey my Heavenly Father and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost.
It's ALL about family, and I'm so blessed to have some of the most amazing children surrounding me! What a blessing to be so close to them all.
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