Staci

The neighborhood I grew up in had a LOT of young families. I had about a dozen girls my age, and probably close to a dozen boys, too. Two girls in particular lived very close. Staci, and Bonni. I remember one time I was playing at Staci's house, and Bonni called. Bonni found out Staci was playing with me, and somehow convinced Staci to lie to me and tell me she had to go somewhere because they didn't want to play with me. I remember walking down the street a little while later, and seeing Staci and Bonni playing together. I was heartbroken when Staci explained that Bonni didn't like me, and therefore she had to send me home so they could play together.

I was in like 2nd grade, so you'd think I'd have forgotten that by now. It doesn't bother me, I know that it was just something girls tend to do, and we were very young. But at the time, even at age 7, it was devastating that somebody didn't like me. I admired those girls. They were just a couple of months older than me, and they were beautiful and people liked them. They had all the qualities I thought I wanted, other than hurting me of course.

My mom was my YW leader when I was in Beehive's (Mormon talk, sorry) and I remember one night when she dropped Staci and Bonni off after an activity she said "those girls are just SO cute. I just love them." I wanted to be the girl that when I was walking away, people would say "Amberleah is so cute! I just love her."

The problem is, when you're walking away, you don't hear it. I was always convinced that everybody hated me, and I still have that paranoia frequently. Even when somebody has made it clear they "like" me, I question it at every corner. I wonder why my friends stand beside me. I am so undeserving sometimes (I know, we all are....)

Well, Staci's birthday was St. Patrick's Day. Every year I remember that. Every year I am reminded of the beautiful girls I grew up with, and didn't ever dare to be friends with because I thought they were better than me. One of my goals in YW was to write a letter to somebody I admired. I wrote letters to Bonni & Staci. They never said anything to me about the letters, and never replied so I assumed that it was because they hated me. Maybe they did....

After high school, Staci married her "high school sweetheart" and had two boys. When she was expecting the third, she found out she had cancer. The baby died, and she only lasted a few months. I still cry when I think of Staci, and all the missed opportunities because I was afraid she didn't like me. I attended her funeral, and didn't really speak to any of the girls I grew up with that were there, assuming they all disliked me, and wondered why I would dare show up to Staci's funeral. I was too afraid to go in to the viewing room, because I knew I'd start bawling and everybody would see it. I have regretted that for about 7 years.

Just after Glen and Julie died, somebody at work was diagnosed with the same cancer Staci died of. He lasted three months. Justin died almost exactly 4 years after Staci. I found out about his diagnosis on Brandon and Julie's anniversary. We took my brother out to dinner to "celebrate Julie" and I was so distracted. There is a picture of Justin in the office I work in, and every day I am reminded that "only the good die young." They had a mission that could not be completed until they left their earthly bodies.

I miss Staci, even though I was never close to her. I know she was a great person.
I miss Julie, she was a great strength to me. Even knowing a lot of her faults.
I miss Glen making me feel horrible about myself, because that was his way of showing love.
I miss Justin, who knew how to show appreciation for me when I was "in the dumps" and could make anybody smile.
I miss my Uncle Frank, he loved EVERYBODY unconditionally.
I miss my Aunt Joy, she, too, loved unconditionally. Everybody thought they were her favorite.
I wish I had gotten to know my Uncle Wesley better. I miss him.

So, why am I still here? There has to be a reason, God doesn't do things without reason. Why didn't I ever follow through on my suicidal thoughts? No more regrets, live for the future..... I'm trying.